The Selfish, The Fool and The Wool

 I’m really going to try and help myself right now and let everyone else live their own lives. Just as they are right now, without me. Thoughtlessly going about their day. Walking around from place to place with no thought of what is truly going on. Maybe even a little whistle. They don’t care because everything is dandy in their world that they've created in their warped mind, where nothing is there to bother them, no nuisances. They don’t care about you. They are selfish. They think there’s no problem and expect to come right back as if nothing happened. Selfish. I'm going to subtract myself. Why should I hold the weight of someone else’s lack of insight of what is truly happening? Not caring what I’m feeling and just go about their day. Who is the one hurting and thinking about it all? The fool. Which would be me. So now I’ve taken the ropes and live my life the way it was before them and keep going. You do you, I’ll do me. Drama. Who the heck still creates drama? We’re too old for that shit. I’ve never experienced this before and I think this is why I’m so hurt and angry. It’s exhausting. I actually realized it when I felt the weight holding me down. I’m too exhausted to have that life. They go on their day like you don’t exist. You do the same. I can’t have drama dragged to my table. Those who’ve hurt me do not deserve the satisfaction of hurting me. I have to keep saying my mantra “Not my life, Not my problem” when I feel them draining me. It hurts to let go of those I really love, but this pulled my eyes wide open. I will not have the wool over my eyes from this point on. They honestly don’t care about me; they brought selfish to my table. I will not have anyone else drain me. I don’t deserve it, and now I will walk life with letting go. It’s okay, we can talk about what’s going on in your life. We don't always need to talk about me, because your voice needs to be heard too. You are the one who is sitting next to me. Not those who walk by selfishly. So, how’s life?

Rosa's Smile

That annoying saying, "Her smile lights up the room," is out the window, but this is a true statement for a selfless woman. Every single breathing creature can validate that. It's not just a smile that exudes from her; it's her soft touch, yet a strong voice. There was joy deep inside of her, even after the world shattered her heart so many times. Her loud laugh alone would put a smile on everyone's face. She'd bring out the happiness of those around her. Her loud voice, singing old Sicilian songs, brought a rhythm to everyone's soul, even though she wasn't very good at it. That didn't matter; it was her love that made her sing perfect. There was always light wherever she went, especially with the blinds down. You literally felt comfort  instantly.

 

No Hope

 How do I know where I stand, when you sat me down.

#selfworth #answers #absence #mentalhealthmatters #lettinggo #nohope #life #done #youdoyou

Sun...Moon...

The air was in between heavy and heavier. The sun darkened every room. The moon would brighten the street with a tint of blue in an iridescent way. It sheltered the earth as if it was a huge linear fluorescent bulb. Why do I have to make the sun bright? Why can’t I keep the night alive with the moons light? Why does my entire being need to be shutdown, to have all others feel that the warmth is the answer? The neglection of the moon's light dimmed to turn into a new moon that made the streets blind. No matter what, the moon's light is never bright enough for them. It doesn’t fit with the warmth that they think it needs to come from the sun. Neglect me, the moon and my feelings. Life is not all sunshine and rainbows. Realistic expectations need to widen our eyes. The moon matters too. Remember that. The sun and the moon will always be opposite of one another, always, but they also need to love and respect the inner light that holds their feelings. I am here do not neglect me and diminish me. What if I wanted to do that do you? Let us just sit in our different lights.

Will We Meet?

They’re amateurs with no knowledge. Not knowing where to stand… how to stand…how much weight to lay their hand into their deepest pocket. Where do they look, can they even see what is not in front of them? Not in front of anyone. What would the password be for the blinded picture to be etched in, to be memorized. A special word that doesn’t even exist.  Will they ever obtain, the escape of escape. They hold the door open to be kind for their passer byer. How thoughtful or was it selfishness? Watching their stride. Watch the weight of their feet muffled or clicking, clacking, clicking c…c…cl…l…cl. Is the silenced stuttering? They can’t figure it out. It sucks to be deaf. Snapped by a finger. Such a big snap but ignored. It’s not on purpose for it being ignorant. What is up with offending someone who is blissfully ignorant? Falling upon an answer is when we have escaped within no return.

 

Do As I Do

Get the feelings all down. The feeling that I hate feeling. The feeling of loss, betrayal, anger and pain. My heart was tainted for 2 and half years. Tainted with an illusion. An illusion that my gut was feeding my heart at the same time. Until that one day, when someone ripped it right of my gut and threw it hard on the floor. My heart cringed and my chest caved in I felt my ribs being torn apart. The anger grew as my insides were twisted and trembling. I lost something and it hurts. I lost someone because of their foolish behavior. Questions run through me and I haunt myself when all I want to do is erase it all from my mind. Erase the part in my heart that felt and fell. It's like mourning and as much as I try to forget about it, it's stuck in my throat and putting pressure on my chest. Was it only I who felt all the good things between us or was I being fooled? Was it real? Did the words, "I do care, I really do." was that part of their lies or was it genuine? Life goes on for them, with out me. It hurts to think that I wouldn't even come up in their mind because all they consume their life with now is well... a mistake. It boggles me that my happiness and comfort was kidnapped. Nowhere to be found, but probably drowned in a deep swamp to disintegrate. I sit here listening to the clicking of the keys my fingers keep tapping on this lap top and in some crazy way even though I let them go, I hope that things don't go right for them and later in life our paths will meet again. Well now, that's not letting go is it? Okay so then... I gave this person a few words of how they destroyed anything we've had and I can not stay around to have my heart get abused. I'm not here to be the fool. I just want that person to do as I do or should I say FEEL AS I FEEL. I want them to feel the anguish of loss. I want that person to realize, that I am a true person that is hard to find. I want them to feel the pain of missing me the way I feel the pain and intensified. I want them to feel what I feel. I want them to taste the medicine. As mean as it sounds I do not wish for this person to be happy at all with the choice they have made, which I call a mistake, stupidity and carelessness. I want this person to feel and feel loss! I want them to be fooled into something they fell in love with and have it ripped right of their fucking soul. You can't repair what is damaged beyond control. As far as I walk away I can still feel my heart beating the way they made it beat when it was all good.

It's Been too long. 15 years long!

It's been too long, year after year and year, years and years have passed. And now she returns. She can write and people can seep her words, her thoughts the sound of chaos, silence and misunderstanding to understanding but still it all can just maybe be misunderstood. She has her air within each movement she breathes in and utters the life behind her words. t...t...t...t...t ready set go. Keep looking into my words on the line and in between the lines. You know what is hidden and what is in plain site. Without warning it hits you or maybe not. Maybe you just have to put your mind into these slots.

#backagain #intriguing #life #absence #misunderstood #hidden #15 #chaos #silence

Will The Disaster Ever Go AWAY?

A friend once told me “we understand but some things can't be chalked up to your not feeling well” after I had told them that no one understands what I go through. Isn’t it funny how it’s so easy to say things? I know for a FACT that not one person knows what I feel completely and what I go through. That same friend is telling me that my actions are not from me not feeling well. Does anyone understand, that me not feeling well is who makes me me? No. Does anyone truly understand what it feels like to be me? I can answer that for you. NO. I do what I do and feel what I feel because of who I am. Being sick has made me who I am along with all the things I’ve been through in life. This has molded me. So much has happened in my life that I can not even father to type. I’m told I’m not the same person I use to be. That’s right, I’m not, I can’t even remember who I use to be. My life has been filled with sorrow and pain. How can I be that same young teenager who didn’t know what life would bring her down the line? That teenager was a lot stronger back then, yes I’ve always had a strong tolerance for pain, but no one understands as life goes on and the more you get sick and the more sorrow enters your life, your strength seems to whimper away. Everyone sees me as a strong woman. Much do they know it’s all a façade. I don’t think people understand what it feels like to have pain in your entire body and feel your strength being torn out of your soul. When I was 9-months-old I had pneumonia and was hospitalized, where I turned blue and very ill. From growing up in pain and trying to ignore it to having a few surgeries and a major surgery. From losing a brother from a heart disease knowing I will never see him again. “You need to get over it.” I will never get over missing my brother. It has scarred me and when he died, part of me died with him. Constantly at the doctors and in the hospital, that puts a mental toll on you and a physical toll on your body. Does anyone I know, know what it feels like not to be able to feel good? Not able to think straight because your head is spinning and your right side of your face and head are numb, your insides ache and you can’t stop trembling? The not knowing what is this pain coming from and am I about to have another seizure? The pain after the seizure. The excruciating pain that lingers inside after a year and half of having cranial surgery? The tumor that grew back 4 months later, the suffering and acceptance of having seizures, beside all my other health issues, which are not just a cold thing, it’s important things. Does anyone know how that makes ME feel? To accept the fact that I am ill? My whole life has been this way and you can say you understand but some things can’t be chalked up to your not feeling well. No, I’m sorry, I love all my friends and family to death, but me not feeling well has everything to do with what I do and who I am. From being treated for infections, with the medication that literally almost killed me. Another ride to the hospital… with transfusions being transmitted to my body. Needles pricked into my veins and pill after pill, painkillers being put through my IV that never put a dent to the pain relief. When I go to the doctors I’m told I was overdosed in the hospital, but they had to, it saved my life. Does anyone know what it feels like when you walk out of your house not able to walk feeling your spine being ripped out of you and the emptiness inside your soul reminisces about the message the doctor had given you when he said “they saved your life” I almost dropped dead. Does anyone know what that does to you?
All my memories mustered into fragments. In ICU I saw my brother who has passed away, leaning on the door frame of my room when I laid there crying from the pain thinking I was on my death bed. He was there to watch over me. Another fragment of coming out one of my surgeries when the nurse came over and said I don’t like the way you are breathing and quickly gave me oxygen. I didn’t even realize I wasn’t breathing right.
Fragments:
Listening to the MRI machine noise brings memories of all the time each part of my body was scanned. Worried with what they will find.

My breast tumor biopsy… “You want all three done?” “Yes” “Wow, you’re in for a ride, we only normally just do one at time, it’s going to be painful”. I didn’t feel a thing, but felt the anxieties of the Cancer that runs in my family that might be living inside my body. Waited and waited to get the good news that it wasn’t Cancer but I had to go back for the other tumors in my other breast. I never went.

Walking into the operating room to have cranial surgery. I wasn’t even rolled in. It was cold and big. I was so confused wasn’t sure if I was going to wake up from it.

I felt them rip the tube out of my throat.

“We have to do a bone marrow”. My sister cried for me not to do it because it was too painful. They never did it because they knew I would go back to NY and they would want to do it again. My blood count was at a number where they couldn’t do the bone marrow by the time I hit the doctors office in NY.

What is wrong with me?????

What will they find now????

Can they help me?

When will the pain and agony go away?

The blood was just surfacing to my skin and I thought nothing was going to stop it.

At the hospital I was told “That sounds like a seizure to me, why didn’t your doctor put you in the hospital?” “I thought I was having a stroke, my doctor said I was fine and just to take the antibiotic, why didn’t she send me to the hospital?”

I was dying, literally dying.

Why does my heart ache so much, and why does it still ache?

“You shouldn’t be going through all this… you are only 32”

“Here’s a rx for a breast sono and you HAVE TO get an echo done, I can here the click in your heart, you still have that murmur.”

Is my heart broken?

“I have given you all the pain meds I could give you, it’s time for you to see another doctor there’s nothing else I can do for you.”

“Clinically you are having seizures.”

As the doc held my EEG report in her hands… she looked at me sadly and said. “You are having seizures.”

“There’s nothing else we can do for you, you now have to see an epileptic sp
“The meds are making me lose my hair, my appetite, I feel so angry and aggravated, I’m now soooooooo sensitive, what are these meds doing to me?”

After getting out of the hospital I was on a high dose of treatment to bring my platelet count back up…. It was the most painful treatment. I just wanted to be held while I lay in my bed disabled. I wanted to understand why I always fall into pain. I wanted love.

I fell, and love wasn’t there to hold me.

I punched my back and still the pain took my punches with numbness.

I had to learn to walk again, use my hands again, open my mouth again. I was scared.

I WAS SCARED AND STILL AM!
These are only small fragments that go through my mind every day along with the physical and mental pain. I give love and I guess I expect too much love in return, I’m only human a scared human who doesn’t know if her life will ever change. If her life will get better with her health and broken heart. Will she survive the disaster that lives inside her?

#mylife #istillstad #alone #chalkedup

The so far...

It was about 2:30 pm. The air was just different today, the sun was warm but there was a calm breeze about it. Walking was a struggle for I felt each bone in my lumber spine being pulled out of my body sending pain through out my body. I was a soldier and took the pain. I kept walking with slow movement, but I was walking. My face was bare from make up, my arms dangled on my side as my bruises stood out. My strength was buried somewhere in my bed. I forgot to take it with me. Tired, but determined. A thought came to mind... I would have not been here today, if I didn't go to the emergency room. No one walking around me would have ever known that I almost died on the 4th of July. No one around me would ever think that I'm sick and I'm suffering as I walk to the train station to go see the doctor.

I think that's when it hit me. That's when I realized how critical I was. The doctors note that said critically ill didn't phase me. The hematologist in NY telling me that they overdosed me in the hospital, but they had to... it was an emergency... it saved your life. Still those words didn't phase me. Just walking down the street alone, I realized. I realized that I could have just dropped dead out of nowhere the week before and it scared me. I don't know why, but I can't muster up the strength to cry. I thought to let it out, it would release some sort of that mystery emptiness I have. Heck, I made it. I went to the emergency room, I did not hemorrhage though I was right about to, but I made it to the hospital in time. So world I'm still here, like it or not, I'm a survivor and you can't get rid of me.

July 11, 2008

Lost, can you find me?

Why do I feel this lingering nauseating emptiness inside me? I go on with my day, but I feel so worn out? Feels like I haven’t slept in months. I wake up as if I haven’t slept at all. I’m forgetting things I did or need to do. There’s a yearning but I don’t know what it is I yearn. I keep telling myself “maybe if you cry, you’ll feel better”, but then I can’t even find the time to let the tears of the uncertainties wither out and flow away from my soul. I’m wondering if it’s everything finally falling into place to remind me of what I have been through. I’ve been trying to think positive hoping it will change things around, remove the negative thoughts that haunt my mind and heart and gut. It’s not easy. I always say it in my head, but now I have to say it out loud. If I say it out loud maybe just maybe things will change for the better, take all this lingering sadness and pain away. I’m done with it, tired of it and want it all to go away. I want a new me to be found and brought to the surface. How do I do that if I’ve lost myself in general? My life is so occupied, I have gotten lost in it. I’m the woman who’s there for you and there to celebrate your joy. I’m the woman who picks you up and goes to a Diner for breakfast. I’m the woman who e-mails you how much she misses you. I’m the woman who e-mails to set up a date to hang out. I’m the woman who will drop everything and help you out. I am the woman who will hold your head up while you are crying. I’m the woman who opens her arms and holds you. I’m the woman running around doing things for everyone. I’m the woman. I’ve become the woman I can’t find in myself. It’s like I’m living everyone’s life inside me except for mine. I feel like I don’t know where I went. Where did you go? I feel weak and confused still. Is it all the pain medication wearing me down, or is it life or maybe both? I need to feel for me now. How do I do that? How do I reach inside myself and find that special light to bring up to the surface? How? I just don’t know. I’ve been wanting to go to a spiritual cleansing retreat, maybe that will help. Maybe there I will be able to shed the uncertainties, the pain, and the weakness out of me. They’re just way to expensive, I don’t get it. We want to help cleanse ourselves not cleans the bank account out. I keep my head up, I’m told I’m strong, why is it I don’t feel strong? Can you tell me? I don’t want pitty, I just want people to respect what I’m going through and help me get through it. Can you?