Till They Die Out!

It’s hot as fuck, and tomorrow is supposed to be even hotter. Mia came over tonight and helped with my photos. I posed. She took the photographs. Now that’s a big help. I’m going to run to the photo shop tomorrow morning and get these sons of bitches developed as quickly as possible. I hope there’s at least one that I can use for my invite and I hope it’s not too late for everyone to get the invitation. I would be so bummed out about it. Since my life seems to be sucking right now this will make it worse, you know, that not a lot of people will show up. I don’t even have the guest list set up. I’m going to have to do that tomorrow too. Why is it that every year when it’s close to my birthday, I get so depressed? Well I can tell you why last year and this year’s reason. Drum roll please… it’s because I had no job and now again have no job. I mean I know a lot of people think they have no luck in life and it’s all miserable, but it just seems to me that each year is getting worse. I am waiting for one good year. Where I can be happy with my life. All the other years, well it took me I think 5 years after my brother passed away to celebrate my birthday again. It was too hard for me knowing he wasn’t here for my birthday and well my birthday didn’t seem so important enough to me anymore. Uhh… here I go again writing about depressing shit.

I’m trying to go to Florida to visit the family. I can’t get tickets until my niece’s mother gets back to me. Cia Fai??? I had gone to the beach and well now have a decent tan, so when I get to Florida I’m going to work on my Sicilian roots and become black. I can’t wait to eat my mothers cooking. The funny part is when I get there; I end up doing a lot of the cooking. The beaches there are so beautiful. The sand is like baby powder; you never burn your feet on it, because it always stays cool. People bring the volleyball and play by the nets. I once asked to play with strangers, and it was so much fun. I used to play in High School for four years. I loved it! I still have the trophies somewhere. My coach always loved my serves. She called it the bomb serve. It would go up really high and come down real hard out of nowhere. I once left the imprint of the ball on a teammates arms in practice one day. I almost broke another girls nose on my team in practice one day too. My serves came down real hard. I miss those days. Beach volleyball is different though. I think it’s harder. It’s harder to move around, but diving for the ball is so much easier. I tend to do that a lot at the beach. I can’t wait to play volleyball.

When I get to Florida, I know my parents are going to give me that speech about moving down there with them. That is a conversation I do not need to have. It will only make me more upset. I don’t want to live there at all. It’s nice to visit and that’s about it. I’m going crazy here at home, but I can just hold out till my birthday party and then out I go. Florida here I come. Then I’ll miss home miserably and want to go back. I’m going to miss my cat too. I wish I could take her with me, but those airlines want so much fucking money just to bring a damn pet with you, when it’s not even taking up a seat, plus my cat might not take the flight very well, so I wouldn’t want to put her in that predicament. Speaking of my cat, she was scratching on my bedroom door wanting to come in while I was getting my photos taken. This cat loves me so much she came right up on my bed with me and well didn’t want to get off. So of course I ended up taking a few shots with her. She is so precious.
Animals, it’s crazy how they can love you so much no matter what. They will never leave you. It’s like the perfect relationship. My cat always follows me around and well she knows when I’m not feeling well or depressed. She comes to my side and just looks at me as if she understands what I’m going through. I just want to squeeze her, but she doesn’t like that very much, so then after squeezing her and give her kisses she leaves to another room, but comes right back. I love my cat. I just wish one day I can find that kind of love she gives me in a man. Wishful thinking I know. Heck as long as there are stars out there I will be wishing on them till they die out.

MInd? Where are you?

The absent feeling in my head keeps me adrift from my heart and my heart is looking for help from my mind. I can’t think straight lately. My thoughts are engulfed with what needs to be done. Like cleaning my fridge. I have no strength to even motivate myself to doing anything, but just think with my heart because my mind is fucking lost somewhere. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been told that I get very talkative when I drink a bit and my emotions are well “HELLO OUT THERE!” not like if they aren’t sober. They just seem to come out louder when I’m buzzed. Well that’s how I feel now, BUZZED. I have my birthday coming up and I wanted to create a beautiful invite of an artistic half nude photograph of me. I still haven’t got around to take the photos. I want to have my party in 12 days. I need to send this invite out now, but I can’t with out the photo. Then it’s the money situation. I have to take money out of my lousy savings. I have to whack the weeds in my yard. I have to find a job. I have to find a ticket to Florida for me and my niece for the 27th of this month and I can’t get in touch with her mother to do so. I started to talk to an old friend again, which by the way has not called me when he said he would. I just get that feeling that he’s avoiding me again. It just might be my over analyzing, but that’s not what my heart is telling me since my fucking mind isn’t here to help clear things. Then it’s my bills and how my unemployment check just doesn’t do it. I feel lost. I feel like everything around me is so far out of reach and dark. Even when I eat, after I’m done I feel intoxicated. There is def. no liquor in there at all. What is going on with my body? I guess I’m just lonely and my heart is feeling it big time that it has pushed my mind out of the way. I think I’m going to vomit.

Why Do I Wait?

So why do we wait, wait for someone who we want to hear from call us, IM us e-mail us? Are we fucking idiots? They don’t give two shits about picking up the phone to call or hit those keys on the board. It fucks up your whole day. Like if you plan your day according to that contact. Like this for instance, I call this dude and leave him a message saying, well this is also with him telling me he was going to call me the other day and never did.

“Hey, it’s me CiaFai, I’m hungry and I was wondering what you were doing and wanted to see if maybe you would want to go out for a bite to eat or maybe some dessert. I promise to be a good girl this time. Call me, I’m home.”
So like a fucking idiot, I wait. I wait for the call back. I sit at my computer trying to figure out how to put other bloggers links on my blog so you readers can read up on them too. I mean I could have just called another friend and asked them if they wanted to get a bite out to eat. But nooooooooooo, I didn’t. I wanted to go with him and why? Who the fuck knows, maybe the curiosity of why he hasn’t called me when he said he would and thought getting together would just be fun. Any hoots, I sit and can’t get the shit to work on my comp so I emailed a fellow blogger to help me. He did it for me and in the meantime my stomach was screaming for its life. I needed to eat. It was over an hour that I called the dude, still no call back. I contemplate on opening the stinky fridge I need to clean. I hold my breath and open the fridge door. Oh look… left over egg-fried rice. So I put it in the microwave for 2 minutes. I like my food real hot. I inhale it and realize as I’m typing this that I’m still hungry, hoping he’d still call. Maybe he’ll call real late. Maybe not, but why do I wait? AND NO… I DO NOT LIKE HIM LIKE THAT! Well not yet.

I AM WOMAN!

There is one thing I do not understand and it’s MEN. What is up with men? I’ve found that there are so many men out there who are not loyal to their relationship. I’ve found myself not wanting to be in a relationship because; I’m sickened by all the cheating I see. It’s all around. I haven’t really met one guy out there who is truly in love and loyal to their mate. Except for my family and besides them the only one that I have really seen that has a true relationship is my cousin and her fiancé. I guess that would be considered family. Why do I make these men make feel that I can’t trust any man out there? Then there are men like this dodo I met the other night. My friend told me that he thought I was cute, and get this… I’m the one who has to make the move to start talking to him. Like he’s fucking 15 or something. The thing I don’t get is he’s to shy to come and talk to me, but he has no trouble approaching other girls. He approaches them and dances with them and well…flirts big time with them, but with me, it’s always a fucking game. Not that I was interested, it’s the mentality that fucking pisses me off. I’m not a teenager. I am a woman! Treat me like one!

I... REAL

So I was told that I was beautiful last night. And it was by more than one man. I was surprised to hear those words come out of their mouth especially being in the surrounding I was in. There were beautiful woman everywhere, and I did not consider myself to be one of them. There I was in my Palermo baseball cap and jeans and a t-shirt, looking like an ordinary bum. All the other ladies were all dolled up. Nice hair, well put on make up and well just looking real sophisticated. And there I was a sore thumb out of the bunch. I was afraid to take my hat off, because I didn’t want anyone to see my roots. They all had great hair and a smile that would knock any guy off their feet. They all looked the same, and me well, I’m just different in general. That’s what made them think I was so beautiful. They told me that these women were in fact pretty, but I was beautiful and that I was real!

Help Me Help A Friend

Hello All,

Once again, it’s been a while. I have a friend who I’m trying to help out. She is one of my best friends and I’m always there for her through thick and thin. She is trying to raise money for the American Cancer Society Relay for life. Since I've lost my job, I've been wanting to do something good, so I did. I've donated and I'm helping her through this blog to raise more money. I will be by her side as well as her cousin as she walks with her cousin Joanne at her Relay. I will also be taking photos and be sure to post them to the site and let you know about this great accomplishment I will partake. So please help me help a friend. This is what she sent me through an email, please read her story. PLEASE DONATE!

I know I have sent most of you an email regarding the fundraising of Relay For Life. This is just a friendly reminder hoping you will donate. I know so many people whose lives have been affected by cancer, and I’m committed to doing something to help them. I lost too many special people in my life to Cancer and I want that to stop. I never got a chance to meet my grandmother Giuseppa (my mothers mom), because Cancer took her life away at 45. My fathers mother Grazia also died of Cancer, but I was lucky enough to have her in my life. Her son, who is my uncle Sal also was diagnosed with Cancer. When my mother came to America she made two best friends, Lucy and Maria. They were both like 2nd mothers to me. Cancer also took their lives away at a young age and left my mother scarred with no friends. At 26 they found Cancer cells in my sisters uterus, they found it in time and now she’s free from Cancer. My cousin Joanne was diagnosed with Breast Cancer at 34 and fought the fight and has been Cancer free for a year now. This disease is here to kill, and I’m here to help stop that. So please donate in helping to find the cure for Cancer. I could go on and on with my family from my Aunts, Uncles, cousins and sibling history of Cancer, but I wouldn't want to bore you. Maybe just this much will touch you to donate to this worthy cause. That’s why I'm taking action against cancer by supporting the American Cancer Society Relay For Life event.
Thank you

Stubborn

I know it’s been a while since I wrote, but I only wanted to write if there was something good and happy to write. I was searching for anything to make something sound happy, but I couldn’t find it. There’s a lot going on now. Too much, that I got lost in it.

Just recently, I spoke with my sister regarding the results of her exams. She took a stress test and an echocardiogram. Well, she failed her stress test. The echocardiogram showed she has a heart of an old lady. So of course, my sister being the stubborn person she is doesn’t really want to hear anyone tell her to go for further testings. She thinks that there’s nothing else to do. This world if full of technology, how can she say there’s no other tests to be done. She needs to look further into this situation, it not normal at 37 to have a heart of an old lady. That means there is something WRONG!

She keeps telling me that she is fine. Fine my ass! That the doctor told her that she needs to quit her job and relax more and exercise. So instead she is going to cut her hours and see how it goes from there. I told her to take short term disability or medical leave at least for a month, so she can really relax and that I would go down to Florida and stay with her for that month, but she keeps insisting there’s nothing really wrong that she is fine. There’s more to it I know, because I doubt when you walk into a cardiologist office and they find that your heart is acting over 20 years than your age, I doubt all they are going to say is relax and exercise.

I remember visiting my brother Martino in the hospital in December of 94`. I walked into his room and he wasn’t in his bed. I was frightened, thinking something bad had happened. I walked in a bit more and found him in the guest chair reading a book. I was relieved. You see, my brother Martino never really told us that there was something seriously wrong with his heart. He had us under the impression that it was something minor. So, we didn’t worry and that is what he wanted, for us not to worry. In his mind he knew, he knew that his life was going to be short and he tried to make the best of it. On that visit my brother and I walked into the corridors of the hospital and went over to the counter where they had all the monitors for all the patients on the floor. It was the cardio floor obviously. The nurse pointed to one of the screens and said

“This is your brothers heart.”

And I watched his heart beat on the screen. She then pointed all the way to top of all the monitors and said

“This one is an 80 year old woman, her heart is better than your brothers and your brothers has a heart of how a real 80 year old woman should have.”

Till this day, I don’t know why that didn’t hit a trigger in my head telling me, Cia Fai, there’s something really wrong with your brother he is not well he’s going to die and die soon. All I remember is being in shock and how my brother made is seem like there was nothing wrong. I looked at my brother and anyone would see he looked fine that there was nothing wrong, but deep inside his heart was dying. He needed a new heart and we didn’t even know. Now, my heart is broken and well it can’t be fixed and now, my sister.My sister bringing me back to memories that frighten me that the same thing can happen to her. My brother had died a month and three days later after that visit. Why must she be so stubborn?