Leaving And Now Going

New Year's Eve. My new roommate Mia and I had a house party along with our friend Sherry. It was a great party. I cried my eyes out, because I'm that emotional chick. Really it's only because I miss my family and especially my brother Martino. It's that really hard time of year for me and all the way into January as I had blogged about before.

I think the midget broke my back. What midget you say... the midget we had that bartended our New Year's Eve party. He was dancing on the dance floor a.k.a. living room, and he told me to hold him really tight. So I did, he grabbed my legs and held me like a baby, and DROPPED ME. He lost his balance. I fell hard on my back. OUCH!! I laughed so hard and wondered if the pain was ever going to go away. News update, it still hurts. He fell on top of me, but I didn't notice because I was in too much pain. He got drunk and well was making only Malibu drinks all night, I don't think he knew how to make drinks. He was very entertaining. He got his short self drunk and well started to dance with everyone and jumped on the couch and gave a guy a lap dance. I've got it all on video.

Christmas eve I went shopping, I had to because I didn't have time and then the strike held me back from shopping. I went out to Long Island and called my mom to wish her a Merry Xmas Eve, though I don't celebrate I wished them a happy one. My parents really don't celebrate either, but they give gifts to my niece, my sister's daughter. My parents don't even put up a tree. Ever since my brother died they haven't celebrated. It was the last holiday they spent with him and well I completely understand why they don't put a tree up anymore nor really celebrate the way we use to. The big dinner, the tree all decorated, gifts bombarding the tree and family comes over and we have a great time, that all ended 11 years ago this January when Martino died.

My mother picked up and we talked. I was in Mia's sister's car that she borrowed. My mother told me about my niece Angelique, Martino's daughter, that she called the house to wish her and her mother a Merry Xmas. My sister in law told my mother that her parents came over and attacked her (I'm thinking verbally) they wanted to take her children away from her. I don't know why they don't speak anymore but they don't. My mother then tells me that someone went to the house and checked out my sister in law's house. Then she got a call or a letter in the mail for a court date. Someone called either child services or something like that on her and now I don't know what will happen. The person had said she had a nice home, but my mother thinks the person was just saying that to throw my sister in law off. You know being sneaky. I told my mother I would call her, because I was planning on calling her to wish her a Merry one anyway. I hung up and tried to keep my composure. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I started to cry and Mia and my friend Jesse asked me what was wrong. I told them that my niece might be taken away from her mother. She doesn't have Martino and now they are going to take her away from her mother. She's been through so much this little girl. I was afraid and still don't know what will happen. I've called and haven't received a call back. Like always my Holidays suck and bring me pain. My sister in law thinks it was either her parents or her brother who called these people to take her kids away. Well that's what my mother told me.

New Year's Eve, I was getting myself ready to do things around the house for the party. My sister calls me. She never calls really.
She said " I have news."
I asked if it was bad or good.
She said "What do you think?"
I said "Bad"
She told me about my aunt and how she's in the hospital. My aunt who is the healer, people might not believe in them but she is a healer. She lives in Rome, but she lived here for 13 years and I grew up with her in my life. Her job is to heal people, she puts her hands on the ill and finds what is wrong and then heals them with her hands, something like reike. She wasn't feeling well and they took xrays... they found a spot on her lungs... it's cancer. A part of me died. I started to cry and flip the fuck out. She can't die, not now. They don't know how bad it is. The woman who heals others is stricken with lung cancer and can't heal herself tell me where that is fair? Again my Holidays filled with pain.

I still had the party, I wasn't going to let that let me down. I had a good time and when the clock struck midnight I cried like a baby. Missing everyone and feeling the pain all over again. I thought of my brother, my parents, my other brothers and my sister and my niece and my aunt, I felt emptiness and sadness overwhelm me. Then I cried because I was so happy to be with all those around me. I was an emotional basket case. So as I was leaving 2005 I am now going to 2006 hoping for a less painful life.

Update

So my mamma's results came back, she came up negative for the worst case of lupus, but positive for lupus, still don't know what kind but she has it. My roommate said he was going to be home but he never came home. So he's leaving supposedly, Friday, which in my eyes he's already gone because he's been sleeping at his new place and all his stuff has been gone since Monday. What ever! I got my bonus and it's going straight to my parents so they can pay my car insurance, it's under my father's name. I feel like royal shit, this strike is wearing me out. I walked for 45 minutes yesterday to get to my friend Ann's car to get a ride home. Not fun in the cold, immune system not good. Don't be surprised if I blog later on how sick I am. Christmas is almost here and being an atheist I'm going to go give support to my family. Go there and be with them. That's how I see it, a night of getting together and eating a lot of food. Mia is looking into her bedroom furniture and she'll be moving in soon. We're planning a New Year's Eve party at our place and well I'll let you know how that goes. This time of year saddens me. It reminds me of my brother Martino who passed away 11 years in January and of course January is a hard month for me too. 1994 Christmas was the last Christmas we had together, when he surprised his girlfriend and all of us that he was taking her to Mexico. She jumped on him like a little girl as the excitement sparked out of her. Much did we all know it was not a great trip. He left January 10th I think, and died there on January 16th, he never came home. He died 8 days before his 31st birthday. Well now typing this hurts my heart and the emptiness seem so much deeper. New Year's Eve in 1994 was the first time I didn't get to spend with my family, my brother had his girlfriend and well spent it with her and not the family again a first. 16 days later he died. I hate this time of year!!!

An arrrrrrrrrrrg moment

I came home last night and I see between my roommate and his friend on the couch a canon digital camera still in it's box. I thought it was my roommates friend's camera.

"Bought a new camera?"

The friend hesitated. Then my roommate says it's his that he gave him the money for it, but they are returning it for an exchange because what they wanted to do with it they can't with that camera they had right there.

My mind and blood went nuts!!! I thought he was struggling and wasn't even able to afford to give me half of next months rent. He said that he couldn't afford to pay the new apartments rent and give me half. When Mia is moving in mid January, so he should be paying me the half on next months rent, but only claims he can now give me $100 that his girlfriend is going to loan him. So hmmm... let's see you can't be responsible in making decisions and money and you rather dick over your roommate who you consider like a sister by accepting an offer on an apartment and give your so called roommate who is like a sister to you 2 weeks notice to find a roommate and well let's see here, she can't get one till mid January, but you claim you can't afford to pay both the new apartment and our rent...hmmm... So where the fuck did the money for the digital camera come from. HIS ASS?????

Just an arrrrrrrrrg moment to share.

To Bonus or Not To Bonus... that is the question

I'm sitting here at my desk exhausted. Feeling dizzy as my heart is racing a.k.a "not feeling well". Last week HR had sent me an email with a list of employee names and she wanted me to hand write everyone's name on an envelope. Bonus???? My name was on the list. Thing is I heard that it's a letter they put in that envelope. The envelope with a letter and a BONUS??? Will mine say thank you...blah blah blah... NO BONUS? or thank you ..... Blah Blah Blah here is your percentage raise and what your new salary is and looky here because you've been so great we feel you deserve this bonus now go ahead and pay off your car. Hmmm wondering. My review went well so I wonder if they would give me a raise and a bonus or either or I've only been here since August. My review did say that I did clean up the mess that was left from the previous person who had my position. I'm liked very much here, but does that even matter??? Wonder if anyone is getting a bonus. I know my receptionist is getting a raise, you can thank me for helping her show her how to help get her out of the gutter and back up to the surface. I helped her with organization skills and helped boost up her confidence. She had given up and well was not performing to expectation until I started to manage her. Oh well, we will see. I think we might get the envelopes some time this week. I'll let you know.

My Mamma

So I get a call from my sister the other day that my mom is positive for lupus. They have to do further testing to see what type she has. Her cholesterol is real high and there's all other sorts of things that aren't going well for my mamma. Why is it always raining?

He Came Over (The Someone I Met)

Is it bad of me that the only thing I want right now is his company when I get home from work and just cuddle to watch television? No kissing, just cuddling. Would that make me a bad person? I think not, but the only reason I ask is because I have this feeling that he likes me more than I like him, and the cuddling, you know a little quality time together with him feels as if he is liking me more and more. I know he likes me more than I like him. I know because he told me he has had his eye on me for a long time, that the night we finally got to hang out wasn't the first time he had seen me. He tells me I'm beautiful. He wanted to make reservations for dinner. He told me he was thinking about it the other night and how he didn't know how to choose a place because he heard how picky I am with food. I'm not picky, I just do not eat certain things, like meat and fish, but I do eat shell fish. It's the only thing I'm not allergic too. Oh yeah and I can't have any dairy. So I'm not picky I'm just difficult ; ) How do you think I feel when I have to order something on the menu? Especially when there is so much that does not accommodate me and minimal to accommodate me. But I'm happy with my shellfish no matter where I go, as long as they cook it good.

He is a smoker and that kills me. I think that might be a reason why I'm not into the kissing thing yet. I like the hugging and cuddling, I like the affection. He has tattoos (LOVE THAT) all over his arms and one huge cross on his back bigger than my freaking torso. I'm wondering how he will feel when I tell him I'm atheist. After I gone out with the girls from work last night he picked me up from the train station and when I got in the car I noticed he had a rosary hanging from his mirror. Soooo not me, it felt weird. How will he react when I tell him that it's not me? I'll just take the cuddling for now. He seems like a great guy, I want to get to know him, of course I'm the person who can sense things as soon as I meet someone. I sensed the comfort when I first met him so I went along with it. So here he is, one of my friend's brother who happens to be her twin. When I look at him I see her and that freaks me out a bit. I'm trying to overcome that. What ever happens will happen, friends or a man I will date. We'll,meaning me and all you readers ou there will find out in my future blogs. Ta Ta For Now Chhhhhaaaaa Chowwwwwwww!

My heart

It was him, the man who I fell in love with. I rarely go on my computer at home and one night I decided to download pictures I had on my digital camera. I went on my aol and didn't bother to look at my buddy list. Some time had passed as I watched the percentage go up. I maximized my aol window and looked at my buddy list. I saw his name. I haven't seen his name up in a long time. He got married and well that was the last of him. I called my friend and got her voicemail. I blabbered like a teenager telling her that HE was on line and that I was going to IM him. So I did. We said our hello's and how are you doing and what are you doing and then our I'll talk to you soon. I could not stop smiling, my heart was in my damn stomach, the giddiness overwhelmed me. I felt dizzy, I felt so happy and sad. It's like I fell in love all over again. Then I went on with my life.

A few nights before I had my little chat with the lost love of my life, I had an odd dream.

I was in my childhood home and of course it didn't look the same. My mother was talking to these two brokers who were sitting with their backs facing me. I was in the corridor watching them. One of the men looked over his shoulder slowly raising his head up from his chest. I almost fell back and lost my breath. When he finally showed his entire face I realized that it wasn't who I thought it was and that would be my brother Martino who passed away. I told him that he scared the shit out of me, that I thought he was my brother. I walked away and found my way into the bathroom. On the grey counter I found a large human heart. I had it in my hand it was almost the size of a football. I called my mother over and showed her.

"Ma, look. I have Martino's heart."

"Don't show your sister, don't let her get her hands on it."

My mother wanted me to keep my brother's heart, it was meant for me to hold. Then I found myself in a mansion sized place running up the stairs trying to escape from these people who were invisible. They were trying to take my brother's heart away from me. I ran and ran and ran and that is all I could remember.

I told my mom about the dream and she told me that it's weird how I dreampt that his heart was so big, because when he died he had a big heart. Medically. He is my angel.

Then here we have a few days later a man who had my heart talking to me on line that I haven't spoken to or seen in a long time. I miss having that great feeling and after that dream, I miss my brother the most.