The Anger Inside

The Anger inside me does not escape. It's a problem. It's not a problem to get angry, it's only an emotion that is part of being a human. My problem is that it never escapes me. One thing can get me so upset and it turns into anger. It always ends up that after one thing it's always another and that is why it never escapes me. It lingers inside, like if my body wants to dwell on it. I need to get it out. Even if I think about the situation it brings me back to the exact feeling I had when the situation happened. The feeling is strong and stays. Then when I get upset or mad it just brings back all the things that have scarred me from anger. It's all a psychological thing it happens to everyone, but they probably don't even realize it. That will happen until I have resolved that problem that has made me so angry, but I can't seem to get rid of it. I'm sick and not only is it because of my low immune system, I think it has a lot to do with the stress that enters my life that I try to ignore that it is actually stress and then there is the anger that is stuck inside me. It wears me out. I need to go somewhere and just relax, I need a flush. I need a cleansing. I need help.

Catch Up

It's Monday and I'm far from being wide awake. My head is pounding as my body aches. Mia moved out Saturday afternoon and Nica moved in. I'm walking around in my office twisting my arm so my shoulder and wrist cracks. The pain came out of nowhere. Snap here snap there.

My mother calls me today crying. My youngest brother had surgery on his nipples he had some extra tissue underneath that was causing major pain. He had surgery sometime last week and he had gone into the emergancy room last night, because he thought it was infected. Turned out to be a whole bunch of blood blocked up and needed to come out. As I was saying, my mother calls me today crying, my brother was back in the doctors office and well it's a blood vessel that is leaking blood into his chest. I told her he would be fine. I told her it's nothing to worry about, it's not a tumor so he'll be fine. I even told her about how much I bleed for an entire month as if a river was coming out of me and I was fine. Note: I was not bleeding from my nipples, it was a different kind of surgery.

So here I am at work, trying to type this as quick as I can with my 5 minute break. So I'll put it in bullets of what has been going on and one day I will go in depth about each bullet.

• My mother has shoulder surgery
• Mia moves out
• Nica moves in
• My mother has neck surgery and now has two metal plates 3 screws and a donors bone in her neck
• My brother has surgery on his nipples
• 7 people from my job get laid off.
• 1 person quits 2 weeks later
• I have to give one of my cats away and it's killing me
• I'm going to Vegas
• I'm going to Barbados
• I'm going to 3 weddings in June and 1 renewing vow party
• I'm going broke
• I'm thinking about Lazik eye surgery
• My cousin is getting married
• Did I copyright that?
• Had all these catscans and things stuck up my nose for my sinuses
• I need to see a headache specialist
• 3 cats in the house
• My uncle the painter
• z100 and paying bills
• I'm singing
• myspace
• Patty passed away

So I know there is more but at this particular 5 minute break I can not think of anything else.

Sorry, but now I'm back

Hello All,
I know it's been a while since I've last wrote. I will start on being more dedicated to writing now. I'm at work now and really can't write much. So I'll just leave you with something that happened on Sunday night.

Sunday night I walked in my apartment after my trip to Philly. I smelled the litter box and knew I had to clean that bitch up. I held my breath and did the duty. The litter box is between a closet and this beautiful piece of old furniture that holds all my photos. I ditched the bag by going out to the front of the house and slam dunking it into the garbage can. When I came back I grabbed the broom to sweep up the rest of the little mess that was left on the floor. I heard something mechanical go off in the closet. I thought to myself, hmmm is that a toy I probably bought for one of the many kids I know? I opened the door and a gush of cold wind hit me as I saw the box fan in the closet slowing down. The point is...the fan in the closet was not plugged in.

Wondered what ghost it was. Still don't know.

Sorry It Took So Long...

I know. I know, I've taken to long to write. Thing is I really wanted to start writing about happy things, good things. On the contrary, things have not been that way and I thought not to write at all until something happy or good happened. Then I thought I'm neglecting my feelings in general. So here is another sad story for you. Where should I start????

Ok here...

New Year's Eve, I get a phone call that my Aunt in Rome that has lived in America for 13 years who is back home in Rome now has lung cancer. Not a good way to start my New Year's Eve. Mia and I had our grand party. It was great. I was happy but sad at the same time. Midnight came and went, and my eyes were blood shot from crying, though all the drunks in the house thought I might have been drinking way too much. Which wasn't the truth, it was me crying.

Then I had a nice trip. I went flying and landed terribly on my knees. I ripped a nice hole in my expensive pants. I was walking to the train station to go to work. I had a 9am meeting that I came to find out was canceled when I got there. I was walking pretty fast like I normally do. Thing is, this time a piece of cloth was on the floor and the heels from my boots grabbed it as I went flying. I didn't want to fall on my face and I had nothing around me to hold. My lower body twisted to the left and my upper torso faced forward. It all went down in slow motion. I had twisted my knees and ankles. My knees hit the ground and I heard the big bang. Pain isn't even a word that could describe what I felt. I heard a woman scream and I thought she was across the street. When I looked no one was there, I looked forward and saw a woman up the block. This woman saw me fall all the way up the damn block. She came over to me and asked if I was ok. I found a piece of cloth under me, thinking it was my pants. She reassured me that it wasn't but when I looked at my left knee, there it was a nice big hole. I couldn't move at all. So she helped me up and asked if I needed help. I told her that I would sit and then just go home to change my pants. A normal 5 minute walk back to my house took me hmmm... I don't know... an eternity? My knees where numb, I sat on my bed and faced the full length mirrors in front of me. I felt something on my leg. Oh look here, blood dripping all the way down. I took a nice piece of skin off on my knee from that grat big fall. So, like a big dumb dick I went to work. Took off the next day because I was disabled. Stood in bed all day. I couldn't walk normal for about two weeks. Finally went to the doc and she said that I had water in my knees and to see how I would feel in a week. If it was still hurting me she wanted to do an MRI. I thought oh no another knee surgery? Ahhhhh... The next week I suffered and didn't go back. I was afraid that my insurance was going to cost me my leg if I had the MRI and ending up having surgery. My health insurance sucks big fucking hairy distorted balls. So I suffered and went on with my life. Mia moved in that my friend, is the only good thing I can write about. So Mia is in, I was on the phone with my friend Vito talking, catching up on our lives. Haven't heard from him in years. He's in Vegas now and well... my cousin and her brideÂ’s maids and her maid of honor who is me are going to Vegas for her bachelortte party. Vito is hooking us up with a hotel. So nice of him. There I was laying in bed and bull shiting on the phone. A cough here, a cough there, a little wheezing here a little wheezing there, a bigger cough here and a bigger cough there, then oh crapper my chest was going to explode, a big wheezing here, a bigger wheezing there. Vito said he would let me go since he heard my discomfort. It just got worse. My chest was splitting in half I thought I was going to die, all that came out of my mouth was a loud wheezing noise that almost deafened me. I got up and told Mia that I thought I was having an asthma attack. She told me to drink some water. I told her that wouldn't help. I started to cough and well started choking on it and gasping for air. She told me to breathe into a paper bag, I was already in one of the closets looking for an old pump. I couldn't find one. I went and grabbed a freaking paper bag frantically. It didn't work, I drank some water and that didn't work. I looked one more place. The good ol' medicine cabinet. Found some pumps, problem was... they had expired in 2002 and 2003. I took some puffs. It did not relieve any pain in my chest. We joked around about going to the hospital. I think this happened sometime in Feb or January. My chest today is still killing me. I called the doc the next day and found myself in the pharmacy getting my expensive pumps.

My mother is told she needs shoulder surgery. She goes to another doctor and they tell her she needs neck surgery. The woman didn't know which to do first. Then she was scheduled for shoulder surgery. I get a phone call at 9 am on a weekend from my sister. Telling me that my mother isn't feeling well and asked me how much longer do I really think my parents have. You know she was playing that guilt trip thing on me so I could move down to Florida and be with my family. I called my mother. Her blood pressure was high, her sugar was high and her heart rate was high. She woke up feeling dizzy and she was sweating profusely, she couldn't see and felt like she was going to vomit. Everything wasn't going down so I told her to take all her tests again. There were still high. I told her to call my brother and have him bring her to the hospital. She listened. I called my brother two minutes later and he said he was getting ready to bring her to the hospital. She went and was there for like 4 or 5 days, her heart rate was high and never went down till that one day. The doc wanted to stick a tube down her throat and look at her heart, if needed be, they were going to shock her heart so her heart beat could go back to normal. She had an appointment to have it done at 2. They postponed it to 3. The doctor was 15 minutes late. The nurses were there at 10 after 3. They started to hook my mother up. My mother was so scared once she saw all the machines. She thought of my brother Martino. One of the machines made a loud beeping sound. The nurse asked my mother if she was kidding.

"I no KID."

Her heart rate went back to normal. My mother says it was a miracle. I was hoping that maybe my brother Martino helped my mother. The doctors told my mother that if she didn't come to the hospital she would of had a stroke and probably had a good chance of dying. She even had pains from her feet going up her legs, her chest was in tremendous pain. I told my mother, "You see it's a good thing you listened to me." I don't know what I would have done if it went that far.

My Aunt in Rome is on chemo hard core. She's really sick. I just can't bare the pain. She's losing her hair and getting real sick. The doctor opted taking it little by little and give her chemo hard core full blast.

My chest... still killing me. My asthma is here for a while and is just tearing me down.

One of my best friend's father passed away. I spent Valentine's day at a wake.

My 5 month old nephew ended up in the hospital. He had pneumonia. You had to hear the way he was or should I say not breathing. They had him in a gigantic steal bed. with plastic covering him as he sat inside it in his car seat. He needed his oxygen level to be stable. He was there for over a week. I went and held him in the crib, I put my hand on his chest and tried to do some reiki. Doctors said he was doing better the next day. I begged the baby to cough and he did. He's to young to understand to cough it up, but when I asked him he did. Thank goodness. He's home now and is better. Thank goodness, another thing that is good news.

Today, I went Upstate. It was my cousin's children birthday party. It was a good time. Though I felt like shit, I think I'm coming down with something because my freaking chest and back feels like a damn bazooka shot me. On my way home I get a call from my second cousin in Oklahoma. She had asked me about my cousin who had breast cancer, which is her aunt. She had asked me if it was true that she was going to have surgery. I knew nothing of the sort. I called my mother to find out. It was true, the doctor told my cousin that after some test results she has a 90% chance out a 100% that her cancer will come back. If she has surgery to remove both breasts, she has a 45% chance out of 100% for the cancer to come back. So she is going through with it, she is also getting a hysterectomy.

So you see, in general, my health is down shits creek. went to see the holistic doctor. My kidneys are no good, my uterus is no good, my lungs worse and my liver no good. She saw that my heart always palpatates and that I suffer from body pain and head aches and bone aches. My mother almost had a stroke and had a great chance of dying. She just had her shoulder surgery and well isn't well at all. My dad now has been feeling ill for a bit and had some moles or some sort of skin removed from his eye and neck. The doctors are doing further testings on them because they think he has skin cancer, he also has blood in his urine. Things aren't good. That is why I didn't want to write. Now you are sitting here reading another freaking sad story of my life that I thought was going to disappear into a great happy healthy life. 2006 I HATE YOU!

The Empty Day(January 16th) - I Tried

It's the day after the empty day. I tried to ignore the yesterday but thought I would be mad the next day because I did ignore the empty day. I tried to go on with the day without shedding a tear. I succeeded until...

I felt sick. Though I tried to fool my mind I didn't fool my inner soul, my body. It was worn. Tearing apart as I tried to ignore it all. Inside knew what the empty day was and reacted. I decided to go over Drea's that way I wouldn't be alone and let my inner soul overpower my mind. We orded Chinese food, which I rarely do. We ate, watched 24 and a bit of the golden globes. CSI Miami came on and we watched. I finally left around 11:30. I entered my apartment feeling lost. I took my layers off and put them on the chair in the living room. I started to feel it, my guard went down I couldn't try anymore. It was time. Time to let it out. I looked at my cat and she looked right into me. She saw my pain. I picked her up and hugged her. I looked in the mirror in front of us and watched my tears bathe my face. I sat on my bed and it started with a light headed feeling and my chest caved in, my right arm was limp next to me. It seemed as if I was having an outer body experience. It was like I was watching myself from above me. I sat there and had my mournful cries. I was weak and finally made it inside my bed. I just laid there with no sleep. I swear I really tried to not hurt so much on that empty day. I lit a candle (a tea light) earlier. Put it in a heart shaped silver candleholder. That was when Drea called and told me to come over. I didn't want to blow out his candle that was lit by his pictures with a piece if his eucalyptus and when he was alive he had those little silver cubes with all the initials of his name. It was all there. I didn’t want to disturb it, but I couldn't leave with it burning. I blew really hard and it didn't want to extinguish. I tried six times and still there it was lit. I called Drea and asked if she wanted to come to my place instead. I told her what happened, she really wanted to stay home. So I made another attempt to extinguish the tea light. Drea heard the loud and powerful blow. It didn't work. So I said it allowed that it doesn't want to shut off. I took a second deep breath and finally it went out.

Emotions

I'm an emotional basket case, I cry at the drop of a damn dime. Who came up with that saying anyway, minus the damn? On my computer monitor at work, I have that card you get when you go to a wake. It's my brother Martino's card and his picture is on it. Obviously he still looks the same as he did 11 years ago and it kills me every time I glance over to it. Eleven years gone so quickly and the pain feels the same. I'm certified depressed, I diagnosed it myself. I know I get this way this time of year all the time so I know it will get better. I will not take that card down. I'm not punishing myself, you might think I am, but I just can't take the pain here at work. He has always been there on my monitor and that's where it's going to stay. I was going to take the 16th as a personal day, but then I thought to go to the cemetery the day before which is a Sunday, now I'm not sure if I can handle being at work on his anniversary.

I feel neglected, I feel so alone right now. I even cry when my cat doesn't want to be bothered with me. She doesn't even want to sleep on my bed with me anymore, and that my friend, hurts me... especially right now. She found her way up on the entertainment cabinets my brother Martino built. On the very top of one of them is his pillow. I know this will sound morbid, but when he passed away, the coffin was a little to small for him. So at the final wake when they had to close the coffin, they had to take his pillow out in order for him to fit in his coffin. I'm sorry I need a break.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't know how it ended up in my apartment but it did. So I put it up on his work. He built those cabinets right before he died, he built it for his new apartment, which he obviously didn't get to stay there long. Back to my cat... our New Year's Eve party was a blast, we had my friend dj the party and he was set up by the cabinets. He had his turn tables in a case, which is called a coffin, how coincidental. He had that on top of a table and when the equipment was closed my cat would jump on the table and then jump on the coffin and then jump all the way on top of the furniture. She would walk her way over to the pillow and stay there. She was attached to it. She was so mellow on that pillow. Ever since then, the table and equipment have been gone, but she found her way back up there from jumping on one of the chairs that replaced the equipment, she jumps more than five feet to get there. All she does now is go up there and stay on that pillow, she hardly comes down and when she does she doesn't even want to really stay with me, she wants to be left alone. Again, emotional basket case here starts to cry. I tried getting her down last night. I stood on the arm of the chair and tried grabbing her. I finally got her and when I lowered her down she grabbed on to that furniture and leaped back up there like a crazy cat. I don't get it, and the weird thing is that she use to go up there a while back and she has never been like this, I mean she was attached before to that pillow, but not like this. I think she might feel what is going on. That my brother's anniversary is coming up and when I look at that pillow she probably knows that I feel that it is a part of my brother and she wants to be close to that. Maybe I'm crazy...maybe it's my emotions speaking, but how else am I suppose to tell you how I feel?

Leaving And Now Going

New Year's Eve. My new roommate Mia and I had a house party along with our friend Sherry. It was a great party. I cried my eyes out, because I'm that emotional chick. Really it's only because I miss my family and especially my brother Martino. It's that really hard time of year for me and all the way into January as I had blogged about before.

I think the midget broke my back. What midget you say... the midget we had that bartended our New Year's Eve party. He was dancing on the dance floor a.k.a. living room, and he told me to hold him really tight. So I did, he grabbed my legs and held me like a baby, and DROPPED ME. He lost his balance. I fell hard on my back. OUCH!! I laughed so hard and wondered if the pain was ever going to go away. News update, it still hurts. He fell on top of me, but I didn't notice because I was in too much pain. He got drunk and well was making only Malibu drinks all night, I don't think he knew how to make drinks. He was very entertaining. He got his short self drunk and well started to dance with everyone and jumped on the couch and gave a guy a lap dance. I've got it all on video.

Christmas eve I went shopping, I had to because I didn't have time and then the strike held me back from shopping. I went out to Long Island and called my mom to wish her a Merry Xmas Eve, though I don't celebrate I wished them a happy one. My parents really don't celebrate either, but they give gifts to my niece, my sister's daughter. My parents don't even put up a tree. Ever since my brother died they haven't celebrated. It was the last holiday they spent with him and well I completely understand why they don't put a tree up anymore nor really celebrate the way we use to. The big dinner, the tree all decorated, gifts bombarding the tree and family comes over and we have a great time, that all ended 11 years ago this January when Martino died.

My mother picked up and we talked. I was in Mia's sister's car that she borrowed. My mother told me about my niece Angelique, Martino's daughter, that she called the house to wish her and her mother a Merry Xmas. My sister in law told my mother that her parents came over and attacked her (I'm thinking verbally) they wanted to take her children away from her. I don't know why they don't speak anymore but they don't. My mother then tells me that someone went to the house and checked out my sister in law's house. Then she got a call or a letter in the mail for a court date. Someone called either child services or something like that on her and now I don't know what will happen. The person had said she had a nice home, but my mother thinks the person was just saying that to throw my sister in law off. You know being sneaky. I told my mother I would call her, because I was planning on calling her to wish her a Merry one anyway. I hung up and tried to keep my composure. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I started to cry and Mia and my friend Jesse asked me what was wrong. I told them that my niece might be taken away from her mother. She doesn't have Martino and now they are going to take her away from her mother. She's been through so much this little girl. I was afraid and still don't know what will happen. I've called and haven't received a call back. Like always my Holidays suck and bring me pain. My sister in law thinks it was either her parents or her brother who called these people to take her kids away. Well that's what my mother told me.

New Year's Eve, I was getting myself ready to do things around the house for the party. My sister calls me. She never calls really.
She said " I have news."
I asked if it was bad or good.
She said "What do you think?"
I said "Bad"
She told me about my aunt and how she's in the hospital. My aunt who is the healer, people might not believe in them but she is a healer. She lives in Rome, but she lived here for 13 years and I grew up with her in my life. Her job is to heal people, she puts her hands on the ill and finds what is wrong and then heals them with her hands, something like reike. She wasn't feeling well and they took xrays... they found a spot on her lungs... it's cancer. A part of me died. I started to cry and flip the fuck out. She can't die, not now. They don't know how bad it is. The woman who heals others is stricken with lung cancer and can't heal herself tell me where that is fair? Again my Holidays filled with pain.

I still had the party, I wasn't going to let that let me down. I had a good time and when the clock struck midnight I cried like a baby. Missing everyone and feeling the pain all over again. I thought of my brother, my parents, my other brothers and my sister and my niece and my aunt, I felt emptiness and sadness overwhelm me. Then I cried because I was so happy to be with all those around me. I was an emotional basket case. So as I was leaving 2005 I am now going to 2006 hoping for a less painful life.