How do I not cry? How do I stay strong? Block emotions? Do I stick my head up my ass and not see what is crumbling down infront of me? Or do I just act numb?
I haven't been feeling well, wow that's a surprise isn't it? NO, I'm not a f'n hypochondriac. Back in January I kept bumping into my friend, making her drop her drink. I was sorry and did it over and over again. Am I a f'n retard or something? I'll answer that, NO! I wasn't even drinking, I wasn't buzzed nor drunk. I just kept losing my balance like a numb nut. I decided not to go to work the next day because when I got out of bed, I got dizzy. I thought I got up to fast bumping into the frame of my bedroom door. The walk to the bathroom wasn't so pleasant either. Again, I just thought I got up way to fast. So I decided to lay down for a little longer. The room was spinning. I waited for it to go away. It didn't. I got up and well the son of a bitch was still there. Again, I was like, too fast. Lay down. Wait. Try again. This time slow. Slow as a snail the dizziness was still there and I made my call to the office that I was not coming in. This greatness lasted for two weeks. I bumped into walls, people and well needed to hold on to things so I wouldn't fall. As I walked down the block I swore someone was pushing me towards the left/right. I decided to finally go to the doctor. VERTIGO! Just as I expected. The doctor wrote a prescription for my dizziness and when she moved the paper over to me I thought I was going to fall off my chair from getting so dizzy. The doctor sent me to an ENT specialist. I told the dude my symptoms and he ordered a MRI. He said my brain is normal, and I chuckled, "are you sure?", but there is a mass here. I have either a cyst or a tumor inside my head on my temporal bone. Long story short to today... I have to have surgery and that consist of a Neurosurgeon opening up my head, moving my brain, moving my nerves so the ENT surgeon can remove the cyst/tumor. Oh I forgot to mention... he's going to cut like a small sized egg of my bone out. Snazzy huh?
Meantime back at the ranch... my dad was diagnosed with bladder Cancer. I was told if you get Cancer you would want bladder, since it's easier to cure. My poor father 8 weeks of Chemo and now they have done more tests. They still found Cancerous cells in his urine, he had an appointment on the 2nd to get a biopsy. He took asprin two days prior so they couldn't do it. They rescheduled for May 15th. My dad is lost and not feeling well, I don't even think he understands that they found cancerous cells in his urine. May 15th they are doing a biopsy on his bladder and his prostate. I'm asking my angel...my brother Martino to please watch over him and to send some healing energy to my father so he feels better and that the Cancer is GONE!!!!!
My sister was complaining of pain. Her whole left side would go numb and her face would blow up. The pain from her head would go all the way down her left side, it drove her crazy. She couldn't speak at times. I told her "GO TO THE DOCTOR DAMN IT, YOU'RE PROBABLY HAVING A DAMN STROKE." I then told her that it might be her neck, she has some bulging or herniated whatever discs. I then told her to make sure she doesn't have what I have. Petrous Apex Lession. "GET AN MRI DONE ON YOUR HEAD AND NECK!" Finally she listened to me. She was more worried about me than herself. They found a tumor in her spinal cord. She has surgery. Her 4 to 5 hour surgery turned into 10 hours. They cut her nerve and now she has no feeling in her left arm. She is heavily medicated and can't move. My mom cries to me every day that my sister in not herself and she keeps her arm limp. That my sister is hallucinating and when she talks she's not all there. The pain is excrutiating and my mom tells me that my sister thinks she's dying. My sister thought she was in a car accident. See's people that are not even there. Calls me day to day and tells me not to have my surgery as she says it in agony. I can't even hold her hand. Tell her that she'll be ok. I'm so far away. I'm here in NY and there she is in Florida disabled.
My surgery is scheduled for June 11th. I'm nervous... I have a chance to go deaf in my ear and lose the nerves in my face. Before all this, I was having PSVT episodes. My heart was in my throat, my hands were shaking as I felt like my insides were trembling hard core, I started to see all white and felt my eyes rolling back. Was I about to faint, my chest was going to explode, was I having a heart attack? NO! the cardiologist says PSVT! I do all my reading on the internet with the Petrous Apex lession and that was one of the symptoms, the trembling. It always happens to me out of nowhere. I grabbed the remote to watch a show and it looked like I was jerking off the remote. I couldn't stop trembling so crazy as my heart was in some speedy whacked car race. I'm just f'n numb!
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Sunday, December 24, 2006
I'm Done
It has come and I am suffering.
Wed. night I had a dream that I was at my job, but it didn't look the same. It's always like that in dreams. There was fruit everywhere in the office. The one thing that stood out were the peeled oranges. They were whole, put in all different places all by themselves. I knew I couldn't touch it, because they weren't mine, but I wanted to grab it and eat it desperately. I just walked by with out touching them. Then Thursday I had another dream of looking at a fruit store with the vibrant colors of all the fruit. I was told that they were really good but I wanted better, I was told to go up a few blocks and that is where they sell the best inexpensive fruit. I went and saw my younger brother pull into McDonald's. I called him and he said he was already gone. I went nuts looking for him that I ended up getting lost.
I had my father look up oranges and fruit in the Italian dream book. It meant tears and sickness. It meant Zia Franca is going to die! She did, Saturday. I then had a dream this morning, that we found my aunt in her bed choking on her last breath. I called for an ambulance and told them or should I say screaming that they need to come, that my aunt was dying and she needed oxygen that I didn't want her to suffer. I wanted her to be able to breath and die peacefully. I was crying and yelling like a lunatic. I told my sister to go and punch my aunt in her chest to revive her. I then saw my aunt with white hair and she had asked me for a piece of my hair so she can take it with her. She wanted to take a piece of me with her. She did, she took a piece of my life when she left us.
I went out Friday night, it was a good time. Went for Japanese and then went to some lame lounge that we briefly visited and then we went to some VIP place. Still don't know why it was VIP, but I guess that is what Florida is for you. I went home content but still an annoyance or should I say a disappointment lingered inside. Remember my so called person who made me forget about my pain? Well I had text him earlier that day to tell him, that I was done and I said my goodbye. He didn't want that and it came to him texting me that he would call me, he never did. I had told him to prove to me that he's a friend by calling me later that day and he text me back "I will!!!". Never happened and it hurt and the disappointment lingered inside. I still went out and had a good time, I didn't want it to ruin my night.
Saturday morning, I opened my eyes and realized still that I never got a call. I was sad. I had to pee, but I had no strength to get up. So I did what a lazy person would do and that's stay in bed till I couldn't take it anymore. The phone rang, it was about 9 something. I thought my mom would get the phone, but she didn't. It was my Aunt in Ft. Lauderdale. She left a message. "Sara, pigia telefono", which means Sara pick up the phone. My mom didn't pick it up. The sound of the phone told my body to get up and pee. So I did. Then I walked around the house in a daze, something wasn't right. I could tell by the message. I don't know how, but something deep inside already told me. A few minutes passed and the phone rang again. It was my Aunt from Ft. Lauderdale again. The first thing I said with out giving her a chance to say hello was. "Come Zia Franca" - "How is Aunt Franca". This is my aunt in Rome whom I mentioned was sick and dying of Cancer. She replies "Si nio" - "She left".
I fell to the ground and cried the mourners cry. As soon as I hit the floor I had told her that I knew. The pain came back, the pain of losing someone.
Last year on New Year's Eve night, I had gotten a call that Zia Franca had lung Cancer and not even a year later she's gone. I miss her so much, I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. She went back to Rome and there is no way I could afford a ticket. My mom found out later that they were going to lay her out in her house the next day which is today Christmas Eve. That's the way they do it in Italy. They lay you out in your bed and then bring you to the cemetery.
My aunt was a healer, she helped so many others with their ailments and cured them. Now she's gone, she couldn't help herself, isn't that the way it always goes? Sounds like my life.
So here I am an emotional basket case. My aunt passes away, my parents are sick and my dad has hit depression and wishes he was dead. Do you know what that does to me? It tears me apart. My roommate is leaving, she has to move out and help her mother out, I'm left alone, I always feel alone. I need to find someone to move in because I can't afford it on my own and I don't have time. Then I've been trying to shake off this darn cough that I've had for over a month and it's not going anywhere but staying in my damn lungs. I had checked my email to find that I got a bonus which I thought it would be more, but I can't complain, it's a damn bonus. Then in the letter that was sent via email told me our salary raise. They only gave me cost of living. The person before me was making more than I was, she did a lousy job and didn't do her job and made a mess for me to clean up when I got there, when I was hired I was put to my desk and they said ok work, I had to train myself. I found her paper work and saw she was making more than me, she was only there for 8 months before they let her go and hired me, I've been there for a year and four months, and they did not give me a raise, I'm not making anything near what they paid her, it's a slap in the face, since I turned the place around and cleaned up the crazy mess. The person who had me forget my pain, forgot me and well I had to call him. I had to call him and tell him that I can't go through this. I can't be his friend because he isn't trying and it's hurting me. This is the time when I need my friends the most. Yeah I have my other friends, but when we hooked up, we built this bond and I felt it, I thought it would bring our friendship to a deeper level. Meaning we would be close and be there for one another. I guess that bond was all fiction. I called and told him do you want to be friends or not because I'm not working on hope anymore, I spilled out my emotional guts and he said he wants to be there for me. I told him I'm tired of making everything about everyone else, 2007 it's going to be all about me. So if he doesn't want to be my friend he needs to tell me now because I'm done. I told him I'm tired of a girl interfering our friendship. I just needed him to tell me I can't be friends with you anymore, so I can let go of hope. He then says that we are friends and he was giving me time to be with my family and that he wants to be there for me, but it was a rushed speach. He said he had to run around and take care of things and would call me when he got home, he said to give him 2 hours. I didn't hold my breath. He never called. He knew how torn I was with my Aunts death and knew I was hurting because the lack of our friendship. He was suppose to prove to me that he was a friend by calling me the other day and he never did. When I get back home to New York, I'm done. He's no longer my friend, I will no longer bother trying to mend it. I can't have him bring me down when I'm already under. So, here's to another damn miserable year that will forever play in my mind and to a new year wishing for happiness. I'm falling apart, so I'm done!
Wed. night I had a dream that I was at my job, but it didn't look the same. It's always like that in dreams. There was fruit everywhere in the office. The one thing that stood out were the peeled oranges. They were whole, put in all different places all by themselves. I knew I couldn't touch it, because they weren't mine, but I wanted to grab it and eat it desperately. I just walked by with out touching them. Then Thursday I had another dream of looking at a fruit store with the vibrant colors of all the fruit. I was told that they were really good but I wanted better, I was told to go up a few blocks and that is where they sell the best inexpensive fruit. I went and saw my younger brother pull into McDonald's. I called him and he said he was already gone. I went nuts looking for him that I ended up getting lost.
I had my father look up oranges and fruit in the Italian dream book. It meant tears and sickness. It meant Zia Franca is going to die! She did, Saturday. I then had a dream this morning, that we found my aunt in her bed choking on her last breath. I called for an ambulance and told them or should I say screaming that they need to come, that my aunt was dying and she needed oxygen that I didn't want her to suffer. I wanted her to be able to breath and die peacefully. I was crying and yelling like a lunatic. I told my sister to go and punch my aunt in her chest to revive her. I then saw my aunt with white hair and she had asked me for a piece of my hair so she can take it with her. She wanted to take a piece of me with her. She did, she took a piece of my life when she left us.
I went out Friday night, it was a good time. Went for Japanese and then went to some lame lounge that we briefly visited and then we went to some VIP place. Still don't know why it was VIP, but I guess that is what Florida is for you. I went home content but still an annoyance or should I say a disappointment lingered inside. Remember my so called person who made me forget about my pain? Well I had text him earlier that day to tell him, that I was done and I said my goodbye. He didn't want that and it came to him texting me that he would call me, he never did. I had told him to prove to me that he's a friend by calling me later that day and he text me back "I will!!!". Never happened and it hurt and the disappointment lingered inside. I still went out and had a good time, I didn't want it to ruin my night.
Saturday morning, I opened my eyes and realized still that I never got a call. I was sad. I had to pee, but I had no strength to get up. So I did what a lazy person would do and that's stay in bed till I couldn't take it anymore. The phone rang, it was about 9 something. I thought my mom would get the phone, but she didn't. It was my Aunt in Ft. Lauderdale. She left a message. "Sara, pigia telefono", which means Sara pick up the phone. My mom didn't pick it up. The sound of the phone told my body to get up and pee. So I did. Then I walked around the house in a daze, something wasn't right. I could tell by the message. I don't know how, but something deep inside already told me. A few minutes passed and the phone rang again. It was my Aunt from Ft. Lauderdale again. The first thing I said with out giving her a chance to say hello was. "Come Zia Franca" - "How is Aunt Franca". This is my aunt in Rome whom I mentioned was sick and dying of Cancer. She replies "Si nio" - "She left".
I fell to the ground and cried the mourners cry. As soon as I hit the floor I had told her that I knew. The pain came back, the pain of losing someone.
Last year on New Year's Eve night, I had gotten a call that Zia Franca had lung Cancer and not even a year later she's gone. I miss her so much, I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. She went back to Rome and there is no way I could afford a ticket. My mom found out later that they were going to lay her out in her house the next day which is today Christmas Eve. That's the way they do it in Italy. They lay you out in your bed and then bring you to the cemetery.
My aunt was a healer, she helped so many others with their ailments and cured them. Now she's gone, she couldn't help herself, isn't that the way it always goes? Sounds like my life.
So here I am an emotional basket case. My aunt passes away, my parents are sick and my dad has hit depression and wishes he was dead. Do you know what that does to me? It tears me apart. My roommate is leaving, she has to move out and help her mother out, I'm left alone, I always feel alone. I need to find someone to move in because I can't afford it on my own and I don't have time. Then I've been trying to shake off this darn cough that I've had for over a month and it's not going anywhere but staying in my damn lungs. I had checked my email to find that I got a bonus which I thought it would be more, but I can't complain, it's a damn bonus. Then in the letter that was sent via email told me our salary raise. They only gave me cost of living. The person before me was making more than I was, she did a lousy job and didn't do her job and made a mess for me to clean up when I got there, when I was hired I was put to my desk and they said ok work, I had to train myself. I found her paper work and saw she was making more than me, she was only there for 8 months before they let her go and hired me, I've been there for a year and four months, and they did not give me a raise, I'm not making anything near what they paid her, it's a slap in the face, since I turned the place around and cleaned up the crazy mess. The person who had me forget my pain, forgot me and well I had to call him. I had to call him and tell him that I can't go through this. I can't be his friend because he isn't trying and it's hurting me. This is the time when I need my friends the most. Yeah I have my other friends, but when we hooked up, we built this bond and I felt it, I thought it would bring our friendship to a deeper level. Meaning we would be close and be there for one another. I guess that bond was all fiction. I called and told him do you want to be friends or not because I'm not working on hope anymore, I spilled out my emotional guts and he said he wants to be there for me. I told him I'm tired of making everything about everyone else, 2007 it's going to be all about me. So if he doesn't want to be my friend he needs to tell me now because I'm done. I told him I'm tired of a girl interfering our friendship. I just needed him to tell me I can't be friends with you anymore, so I can let go of hope. He then says that we are friends and he was giving me time to be with my family and that he wants to be there for me, but it was a rushed speach. He said he had to run around and take care of things and would call me when he got home, he said to give him 2 hours. I didn't hold my breath. He never called. He knew how torn I was with my Aunts death and knew I was hurting because the lack of our friendship. He was suppose to prove to me that he was a friend by calling me the other day and he never did. When I get back home to New York, I'm done. He's no longer my friend, I will no longer bother trying to mend it. I can't have him bring me down when I'm already under. So, here's to another damn miserable year that will forever play in my mind and to a new year wishing for happiness. I'm falling apart, so I'm done!
Monday, December 11, 2006
It's That Time Of Year Again
I know... it's been a while. I just haven't been able to blog in a very long time. A lot has been going on. I don't even know where to begin. So I'll just be sporadic.
Mia moved out and I have a new roommate, but I think I already mentioned that. Things are great. I do the cooking and she does the cleaning, I help out once in a while, if I'm not in my bed sick as a damn dog, seems to be the trend this year. To be sick as a dog. Who the heck came up with that saying anyway?
At this particular moment my eyes are puffy and won't seem to go down, they burn at times and well it looks like somebody died and I've been crying all damn day. Tis not true... it's me not feeling well. Damn it!
I had stopped typing and continued today, things have changed at the homefront and my eyes are no longer puffy but my heart is definitly sore.
I've been recording and made some great friends from the studio. It feels good to be around passion and to be around your passion that you can share with people. I would go after work and get there around 8, 8:30 and get home around 2 am and lose another nights sleep. Not like I get a real nights rest anyway. It's about a 1/2 hour ride out and well thank goodness there's no traffice on the way home. I sang with bronchitis and well it was recorded. It's amazing what you would do for passion.
Last year at this time, things seemed like shit, like always. This year it's happening all over again. My aunt in Rome is dying and I know I will never see her again. My heart suffers knowing she is in a lot of pain. I feel like I'm dying all over again, the way I felt when my brother died years ago. My parents aren't well, all they are doing is getting older and getting sicker. I haven't been feeling well, but that's usual for me and I just live with it.
My new roommate who's actually lived with me for like 7 to 8 months just told me the other day that her mother needs her to come back home. Again, I am stuck looking for a new roommate in a short notice. It's stressful and I try not to stress, but how can I not with everything else that is breaking my heart. I have a job, yes, it pays my bills and that is all that can be said about that. This time of year brings back pain and I thought it would get better as years came by. On the contrar other bullshit has to happen and make it worse. I get real sensitive this time of year. I think about my brother Martino who passed away, it will be 12 years in January, and you would think I would feel a bit better about the whole thing, but it's something that never goes away. So at this time of year I'm alot more sensitive to things than usual.
I did have a happy moment that briefly came into my life, that was quickly taken away, hence another heart break. I actually met someone. Someone who I felt comfortable with. Someone who actually took all the stupid pain away or should I say made me forget about the pain. It felt good. It felt good that person was there to hold me and to give me what I needed. No strings attached, he would put his head on my chest and he actually told me that my heart beat was beating so normal. Much does he know my palpatations went away when I was with him, he brought calm to my insanity of pain. The sad part was, I really liked him, I developed feelings for him, but I refrained to tell him, I thought we both agreed to the no strings attached deal and take it day by day. I was afraid to like him, because like I said I thought it was no strings attached and I knew as soon as I did tell him, I felt that what we had would go away, and it did because as soon as I was ready to do so his ex came into the picture. Intuition could sometimes be a bitch. His ex started to feel lost with out him when she found out he was with me, and it's only natural to feel the way she did, which was, oh I miss him and I realize that he is with someone and I can not take that, I want him back. So there he went right back to her. He claims the two months they were together, they fell for another, but the reason he first broke up with her wasn't enough for him to stay with me and start something new, something he was released from stress and so comfortable with. He did have feelings for me but I take it wasn't enough. He had rather gone on to the challange of fixing things with the girl he thought he fell for two months ago that did things I feel shouldn't have gotten a second chance. Now I'm here typing it to you.
I'm in Florida visiting my family. I thought I would be happy and part of my saddness would go away, it hasn't. I can't stop it. I want it to go away. I want my Aunt to miraculously heal, I want my parents pain to go away and for them to live for an eternity. I want my friendship back with the man who briefly took my pain away and made me happy. I want my passion of singing to finally rise, I want my health to be in tip top shape. I just want to be HAPPY.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
The Anger Inside
The Anger inside me does not escape. It's a problem. It's not a problem to get angry, it's only an emotion that is part of being a human. My problem is that it never escapes me. One thing can get me so upset and it turns into anger. It always ends up that after one thing it's always another and that is why it never escapes me. It lingers inside, like if my body wants to dwell on it. I need to get it out. Even if I think about the situation it brings me back to the exact feeling I had when the situation happened. The feeling is strong and stays. Then when I get upset or mad it just brings back all the things that have scarred me from anger. It's all a psychological thing it happens to everyone, but they probably don't even realize it. That will happen until I have resolved that problem that has made me so angry, but I can't seem to get rid of it. I'm sick and not only is it because of my low immune system, I think it has a lot to do with the stress that enters my life that I try to ignore that it is actually stress and then there is the anger that is stuck inside me. It wears me out. I need to go somewhere and just relax, I need a flush. I need a cleansing. I need help.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Catch Up
It's Monday and I'm far from being wide awake. My head is pounding as my body aches. Mia moved out Saturday afternoon and Nica moved in. I'm walking around in my office twisting my arm so my shoulder and wrist cracks. The pain came out of nowhere. Snap here snap there.
My mother calls me today crying. My youngest brother had surgery on his nipples he had some extra tissue underneath that was causing major pain. He had surgery sometime last week and he had gone into the emergancy room last night, because he thought it was infected. Turned out to be a whole bunch of blood blocked up and needed to come out. As I was saying, my mother calls me today crying, my brother was back in the doctors office and well it's a blood vessel that is leaking blood into his chest. I told her he would be fine. I told her it's nothing to worry about, it's not a tumor so he'll be fine. I even told her about how much I bleed for an entire month as if a river was coming out of me and I was fine. Note: I was not bleeding from my nipples, it was a different kind of surgery.
So here I am at work, trying to type this as quick as I can with my 5 minute break. So I'll put it in bullets of what has been going on and one day I will go in depth about each bullet.
My mother calls me today crying. My youngest brother had surgery on his nipples he had some extra tissue underneath that was causing major pain. He had surgery sometime last week and he had gone into the emergancy room last night, because he thought it was infected. Turned out to be a whole bunch of blood blocked up and needed to come out. As I was saying, my mother calls me today crying, my brother was back in the doctors office and well it's a blood vessel that is leaking blood into his chest. I told her he would be fine. I told her it's nothing to worry about, it's not a tumor so he'll be fine. I even told her about how much I bleed for an entire month as if a river was coming out of me and I was fine. Note: I was not bleeding from my nipples, it was a different kind of surgery.
So here I am at work, trying to type this as quick as I can with my 5 minute break. So I'll put it in bullets of what has been going on and one day I will go in depth about each bullet.
- My mother has shoulder surgery
- Mia moves out
- Nica moves in
- My mother has neck surgery and now has two metal plates 3 screws and a donors bone in her neck
- My brother has surgery on his nipples
- 7 people from my job get laid off.
- 1 person quits 2 weeks later
- I have to give one of my cats away and it's killing me
- I'm going to Vegas
- I'm going to Barbados
- I'm going to 3 weddings in June and 1 renewing vow party
- I'm going broke
- I'm thinking about Lazik eye surgery
- My cousin is getting married
- Did I copyright that?
- Had all these catscans and things stuck up my nose for my sinuses
- I need to see a headache specialist
- 3 cats in the house
- My uncle the painter
- z100 and paying bills
- I'm singing
- myspace
- Patty passed away
So I know there is more but at this particular 5 minute break I can not think of anything else.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Sorry, but now I'm back
Hello All,
I know it's been a while since I've last wrote. I will start on being more dedicated to writing now. I'm at work now and really can't write much. So I'll just leave you with something that happened on Sunday night.
Sunday night I walked in my apartment after my trip to Philly. I smelled the litter box and knew I had to clean that bitch up. I held my breath and did the duty. The litter box is between a closet and this beautiful piece of old furniture that holds all my photos. I ditched the bag by going out to the front of the house and slam dunking it into the garbage can. When I came back I grabbed the broom to sweep up the rest of the little mess that was left on the floor. I heard something mechanical go off in the closet. I thought to myself, hmmm is that a toy I probably bought for one of the many kids I know? I opened the door and a gush of cold wind hit me as I saw the box fan in the closet slowing down. The point is...the fan in the closet was not plugged in.
Wondered what ghost it was. Still don't know.
I know it's been a while since I've last wrote. I will start on being more dedicated to writing now. I'm at work now and really can't write much. So I'll just leave you with something that happened on Sunday night.
Sunday night I walked in my apartment after my trip to Philly. I smelled the litter box and knew I had to clean that bitch up. I held my breath and did the duty. The litter box is between a closet and this beautiful piece of old furniture that holds all my photos. I ditched the bag by going out to the front of the house and slam dunking it into the garbage can. When I came back I grabbed the broom to sweep up the rest of the little mess that was left on the floor. I heard something mechanical go off in the closet. I thought to myself, hmmm is that a toy I probably bought for one of the many kids I know? I opened the door and a gush of cold wind hit me as I saw the box fan in the closet slowing down. The point is...the fan in the closet was not plugged in.
Wondered what ghost it was. Still don't know.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Sorry It Took So Long...
I know. I know, I've taken to long to write. Thing is I really wanted to start writing about happy things, good things. On the contrary, things have not been that way and I thought not to write at all until something happy or good happened. Then I thought I'm neglecting my feelings in general. So here is another sad story for you. Where should I start????
Ok here...
New Year's Eve, I get a phone call that my Aunt in Rome that has lived in America for 13 years who is back home in Rome now has lung cancer. Not a good way to start my New Year's Eve. Mia and I had our grand party. It was great. I was happy but sad at the same time. Midnight came and went, and my eyes were blood shot from crying, though all the drunks in the house thought I might have been drinking way too much. Which wasn't the truth, it was me crying.
Then I had a nice trip. I went flying and landed terribly on my knees. I ripped a nice hole in my expensive pants. I was walking to the train station to go to work. I had a 9am meeting that I came to find out was canceled when I got there. I was walking pretty fast like I normally do. Thing is, this time a piece of cloth was on the floor and the heels from my boots grabbed it as I went flying. I didn't want to fall on my face and I had nothing around me to hold. My lower body twisted to the left and my upper torso faced forward. It all went down in slow motion. I had twisted my knees and ankles. My knees hit the ground and I heard the big bang. Pain isn't even a word that could describe what I felt. I heard a woman scream and I thought she was across the street. When I looked no one was there, I looked forward and saw a woman up the block. This woman saw me fall all the way up the damn block. She came over to me and asked if I was ok. I found a piece of cloth under me, thinking it was my pants. She reassured me that it wasn't but when I looked at my left knee, there it was a nice big hole. I couldn't move at all. So she helped me up and asked if I needed help. I told her that I would sit and then just go home to change my pants. A normal 5 minute walk back to my house took me hmmm... I don't know... an eternity? My knees where numb, I sat on my bed and faced the full length mirrors in front of me. I felt something on my leg. Oh look here, blood dripping all the way down. I took a nice piece of skin off on my knee from that grat big fall. So, like a big dumb dick I went to work. Took off the next day because I was disabled. Stood in bed all day. I couldn't walk normal for about two weeks. Finally went to the doc and she said that I had water in my knees and to see how I would feel in a week. If it was still hurting me she wanted to do an MRI. I thought oh no another knee surgery? Ahhhhh... The next week I suffered and didn't go back. I was afraid that my insurance was going to cost me my leg if I had the MRI and ending up having surgery. My health insurance sucks big fucking hairy distorted balls. So I suffered and went on with my life. Mia moved in that my friend, is the only good thing I can write about. So Mia is in, I was on the phone with my friend Vito talking, catching up on our lives. Haven't heard from him in years. He's in Vegas now and well... my cousin and her brideÂ’s maids and her maid of honor who is me are going to Vegas for her bachelortte party. Vito is hooking us up with a hotel. So nice of him. There I was laying in bed and bull shiting on the phone. A cough here, a cough there, a little wheezing here a little wheezing there, a bigger cough here and a bigger cough there, then oh crapper my chest was going to explode, a big wheezing here, a bigger wheezing there. Vito said he would let me go since he heard my discomfort. It just got worse. My chest was splitting in half I thought I was going to die, all that came out of my mouth was a loud wheezing noise that almost deafened me. I got up and told Mia that I thought I was having an asthma attack. She told me to drink some water. I told her that wouldn't help. I started to cough and well started choking on it and gasping for air. She told me to breathe into a paper bag, I was already in one of the closets looking for an old pump. I couldn't find one. I went and grabbed a freaking paper bag frantically. It didn't work, I drank some water and that didn't work. I looked one more place. The good ol' medicine cabinet. Found some pumps, problem was... they had expired in 2002 and 2003. I took some puffs. It did not relieve any pain in my chest. We joked around about going to the hospital. I think this happened sometime in Feb or January. My chest today is still killing me. I called the doc the next day and found myself in the pharmacy getting my expensive pumps.
My mother is told she needs shoulder surgery. She goes to another doctor and they tell her she needs neck surgery. The woman didn't know which to do first. Then she was scheduled for shoulder surgery. I get a phone call at 9 am on a weekend from my sister. Telling me that my mother isn't feeling well and asked me how much longer do I really think my parents have. You know she was playing that guilt trip thing on me so I could move down to Florida and be with my family. I called my mother. Her blood pressure was high, her sugar was high and her heart rate was high. She woke up feeling dizzy and she was sweating profusely, she couldn't see and felt like she was going to vomit. Everything wasn't going down so I told her to take all her tests again. There were still high. I told her to call my brother and have him bring her to the hospital. She listened. I called my brother two minutes later and he said he was getting ready to bring her to the hospital. She went and was there for like 4 or 5 days, her heart rate was high and never went down till that one day. The doc wanted to stick a tube down her throat and look at her heart, if needed be, they were going to shock her heart so her heart beat could go back to normal. She had an appointment to have it done at 2. They postponed it to 3. The doctor was 15 minutes late. The nurses were there at 10 after 3. They started to hook my mother up. My mother was so scared once she saw all the machines. She thought of my brother Martino. One of the machines made a loud beeping sound. The nurse asked my mother if she was kidding.
"I no KID."
Her heart rate went back to normal. My mother says it was a miracle. I was hoping that maybe my brother Martino helped my mother. The doctors told my mother that if she didn't come to the hospital she would of had a stroke and probably had a good chance of dying. She even had pains from her feet going up her legs, her chest was in tremendous pain. I told my mother, "You see it's a good thing you listened to me." I don't know what I would have done if it went that far.
My Aunt in Rome is on chemo hard core. She's really sick. I just can't bare the pain. She's losing her hair and getting real sick. The doctor opted taking it little by little and give her chemo hard core full blast.
My chest... still killing me. My asthma is here for a while and is just tearing me down.
One of my best friend's father passed away. I spent Valentine's day at a wake.
My 5 month old nephew ended up in the hospital. He had pneumonia. You had to hear the way he was or should I say not breathing. They had him in a gigantic steal bed. with plastic covering him as he sat inside it in his car seat. He needed his oxygen level to be stable. He was there for over a week. I went and held him in the crib, I put my hand on his chest and tried to do some reiki. Doctors said he was doing better the next day. I begged the baby to cough and he did. He's to young to understand to cough it up, but when I asked him he did. Thank goodness. He's home now and is better. Thank goodness, another thing that is good news.
Today, I went Upstate. It was my cousin's children birthday party. It was a good time. Though I felt like shit, I think I'm coming down with something because my freaking chest and back feels like a damn bazooka shot me. On my way home I get a call from my second cousin in Oklahoma. She had asked me about my cousin who had breast cancer, which is her aunt. She had asked me if it was true that she was going to have surgery. I knew nothing of the sort. I called my mother to find out. It was true, the doctor told my cousin that after some test results she has a 90% chance out a 100% that her cancer will come back. If she has surgery to remove both breasts, she has a 45% chance out of 100% for the cancer to come back. So she is going through with it, she is also getting a hysterectomy.
So you see, in general, my health is down shits creek. went to see the holistic doctor. My kidneys are no good, my uterus is no good, my lungs worse and my liver no good. She saw that my heart always palpatates and that I suffer from body pain and head aches and bone aches. My mother almost had a stroke and had a great chance of dying. She just had her shoulder surgery and well isn't well at all. My dad now has been feeling ill for a bit and had some moles or some sort of skin removed from his eye and neck. The doctors are doing further testings on them because they think he has skin cancer, he also has blood in his urine. Things aren't good. That is why I didn't want to write. Now you are sitting here reading another freaking sad story of my life that I thought was going to disappear into a great happy healthy life. 2006 I HATE YOU!
Ok here...
New Year's Eve, I get a phone call that my Aunt in Rome that has lived in America for 13 years who is back home in Rome now has lung cancer. Not a good way to start my New Year's Eve. Mia and I had our grand party. It was great. I was happy but sad at the same time. Midnight came and went, and my eyes were blood shot from crying, though all the drunks in the house thought I might have been drinking way too much. Which wasn't the truth, it was me crying.
Then I had a nice trip. I went flying and landed terribly on my knees. I ripped a nice hole in my expensive pants. I was walking to the train station to go to work. I had a 9am meeting that I came to find out was canceled when I got there. I was walking pretty fast like I normally do. Thing is, this time a piece of cloth was on the floor and the heels from my boots grabbed it as I went flying. I didn't want to fall on my face and I had nothing around me to hold. My lower body twisted to the left and my upper torso faced forward. It all went down in slow motion. I had twisted my knees and ankles. My knees hit the ground and I heard the big bang. Pain isn't even a word that could describe what I felt. I heard a woman scream and I thought she was across the street. When I looked no one was there, I looked forward and saw a woman up the block. This woman saw me fall all the way up the damn block. She came over to me and asked if I was ok. I found a piece of cloth under me, thinking it was my pants. She reassured me that it wasn't but when I looked at my left knee, there it was a nice big hole. I couldn't move at all. So she helped me up and asked if I needed help. I told her that I would sit and then just go home to change my pants. A normal 5 minute walk back to my house took me hmmm... I don't know... an eternity? My knees where numb, I sat on my bed and faced the full length mirrors in front of me. I felt something on my leg. Oh look here, blood dripping all the way down. I took a nice piece of skin off on my knee from that grat big fall. So, like a big dumb dick I went to work. Took off the next day because I was disabled. Stood in bed all day. I couldn't walk normal for about two weeks. Finally went to the doc and she said that I had water in my knees and to see how I would feel in a week. If it was still hurting me she wanted to do an MRI. I thought oh no another knee surgery? Ahhhhh... The next week I suffered and didn't go back. I was afraid that my insurance was going to cost me my leg if I had the MRI and ending up having surgery. My health insurance sucks big fucking hairy distorted balls. So I suffered and went on with my life. Mia moved in that my friend, is the only good thing I can write about. So Mia is in, I was on the phone with my friend Vito talking, catching up on our lives. Haven't heard from him in years. He's in Vegas now and well... my cousin and her brideÂ’s maids and her maid of honor who is me are going to Vegas for her bachelortte party. Vito is hooking us up with a hotel. So nice of him. There I was laying in bed and bull shiting on the phone. A cough here, a cough there, a little wheezing here a little wheezing there, a bigger cough here and a bigger cough there, then oh crapper my chest was going to explode, a big wheezing here, a bigger wheezing there. Vito said he would let me go since he heard my discomfort. It just got worse. My chest was splitting in half I thought I was going to die, all that came out of my mouth was a loud wheezing noise that almost deafened me. I got up and told Mia that I thought I was having an asthma attack. She told me to drink some water. I told her that wouldn't help. I started to cough and well started choking on it and gasping for air. She told me to breathe into a paper bag, I was already in one of the closets looking for an old pump. I couldn't find one. I went and grabbed a freaking paper bag frantically. It didn't work, I drank some water and that didn't work. I looked one more place. The good ol' medicine cabinet. Found some pumps, problem was... they had expired in 2002 and 2003. I took some puffs. It did not relieve any pain in my chest. We joked around about going to the hospital. I think this happened sometime in Feb or January. My chest today is still killing me. I called the doc the next day and found myself in the pharmacy getting my expensive pumps.
My mother is told she needs shoulder surgery. She goes to another doctor and they tell her she needs neck surgery. The woman didn't know which to do first. Then she was scheduled for shoulder surgery. I get a phone call at 9 am on a weekend from my sister. Telling me that my mother isn't feeling well and asked me how much longer do I really think my parents have. You know she was playing that guilt trip thing on me so I could move down to Florida and be with my family. I called my mother. Her blood pressure was high, her sugar was high and her heart rate was high. She woke up feeling dizzy and she was sweating profusely, she couldn't see and felt like she was going to vomit. Everything wasn't going down so I told her to take all her tests again. There were still high. I told her to call my brother and have him bring her to the hospital. She listened. I called my brother two minutes later and he said he was getting ready to bring her to the hospital. She went and was there for like 4 or 5 days, her heart rate was high and never went down till that one day. The doc wanted to stick a tube down her throat and look at her heart, if needed be, they were going to shock her heart so her heart beat could go back to normal. She had an appointment to have it done at 2. They postponed it to 3. The doctor was 15 minutes late. The nurses were there at 10 after 3. They started to hook my mother up. My mother was so scared once she saw all the machines. She thought of my brother Martino. One of the machines made a loud beeping sound. The nurse asked my mother if she was kidding.
"I no KID."
Her heart rate went back to normal. My mother says it was a miracle. I was hoping that maybe my brother Martino helped my mother. The doctors told my mother that if she didn't come to the hospital she would of had a stroke and probably had a good chance of dying. She even had pains from her feet going up her legs, her chest was in tremendous pain. I told my mother, "You see it's a good thing you listened to me." I don't know what I would have done if it went that far.
My Aunt in Rome is on chemo hard core. She's really sick. I just can't bare the pain. She's losing her hair and getting real sick. The doctor opted taking it little by little and give her chemo hard core full blast.
My chest... still killing me. My asthma is here for a while and is just tearing me down.
One of my best friend's father passed away. I spent Valentine's day at a wake.
My 5 month old nephew ended up in the hospital. He had pneumonia. You had to hear the way he was or should I say not breathing. They had him in a gigantic steal bed. with plastic covering him as he sat inside it in his car seat. He needed his oxygen level to be stable. He was there for over a week. I went and held him in the crib, I put my hand on his chest and tried to do some reiki. Doctors said he was doing better the next day. I begged the baby to cough and he did. He's to young to understand to cough it up, but when I asked him he did. Thank goodness. He's home now and is better. Thank goodness, another thing that is good news.
Today, I went Upstate. It was my cousin's children birthday party. It was a good time. Though I felt like shit, I think I'm coming down with something because my freaking chest and back feels like a damn bazooka shot me. On my way home I get a call from my second cousin in Oklahoma. She had asked me about my cousin who had breast cancer, which is her aunt. She had asked me if it was true that she was going to have surgery. I knew nothing of the sort. I called my mother to find out. It was true, the doctor told my cousin that after some test results she has a 90% chance out a 100% that her cancer will come back. If she has surgery to remove both breasts, she has a 45% chance out of 100% for the cancer to come back. So she is going through with it, she is also getting a hysterectomy.
So you see, in general, my health is down shits creek. went to see the holistic doctor. My kidneys are no good, my uterus is no good, my lungs worse and my liver no good. She saw that my heart always palpatates and that I suffer from body pain and head aches and bone aches. My mother almost had a stroke and had a great chance of dying. She just had her shoulder surgery and well isn't well at all. My dad now has been feeling ill for a bit and had some moles or some sort of skin removed from his eye and neck. The doctors are doing further testings on them because they think he has skin cancer, he also has blood in his urine. Things aren't good. That is why I didn't want to write. Now you are sitting here reading another freaking sad story of my life that I thought was going to disappear into a great happy healthy life. 2006 I HATE YOU!
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