I Threw Out My Sunflowers Today

This big sinus headache is making me dizzy and giving me blurred vision, everyone and their mother has either a cold or the stupid flu. It’s so cold outside, and it’s not helping my headache. Yep, I think my teeth are going to fall out. I’ve come to giving myself reflexology. I have thrown out my wilting sunflowers that shared its place with the eucalyptus (my brother's favorite) I put in a vase on my desk. Some one once told me that the meaning of a sunflower is LIFE.

So it’s the 16th, a month from this day marks 10 years that my brother past away. This is not helping my headache. This is the time of year that sucks big balls for me. It never fails. It’s like clock work. The weird part about it is that I feel like I have no control over it. I just get real depressed. I don’t think all the holiday cheer around me helps, though that might be the trigger. I don’t celebrate, I haven’t since he died. Honestly now it’s more about not believing in any of it. When I lived with my family we always celebrated. The last time we all celebrated was in 1994 and it was our last family holiday that we were all together. It’s a crazy thing when I think about how many years it’s been. I can’t get over how the last 10 years have just past me by. It hurts. I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago because a part of me died with him. I always wonder what I would have been like if he never died. Where would have I been now? Would my family have moved out of New York? When someone dies, there are so many unanswered questions that will just eat us up inside. You look at life so much differently when you lose someone close to you especially if they are your sibling.

He left on vacation and never came back. Well, he did but in a coffin, did that just put a knife in your heart? Well not only did a knife stab me in the heart but it also slaughtered it. My poor brother suffered and it just gets me mad. He died the morning he was suppose to come back home. He was and will always be a good man. He had a pure soul, an unforgettable soul. He was the type of man that everyone wanted to be friends with. He will forever be young as I grow old always wondering… just wondering. As I grow older I realize how much a like we are. So much a like it’s haunting. When I meet new people I keep thinking they know my brother, but they don’t, how could they? He died 8 days before his 31st birthday. My grandmother died 4 days before her birthday. Will I die a few days before my birthday, is this a trend?

He went to Mexico with his girlfriend.

On Christmas day he made an announcement “Annnnd we’re going to MEXICO!!!!” He said it with great happiness. His girlfriend jumped on him like a little girl would jump on her daddy who just bought her a pony. That memory is embedded in my mind. She was so happy. So was everyone else. We were all happy to see my brother happy again. He was going through a lot. He went through a divorce and lost his daughter to his ex wife’s new husband. It tore my brother’s heart up. It wasn’t a good divorce for my brother, he took it very hard. He then lived back at home with us, and honestly I am glad he did because I got to spend more time with him before he died. No one knew he was going to die. He had a HEART ATTACK!!

His life turned around when he met his girlfriend. Once he was happy in love again, his life ended without asking him first.

He bought her diamond and ruby heart earings that she still wears till this day. She never takes them off. I went with him to the jewelry store, another memorable day. We were walking down the avenue and he had his arm around my shoulder, and now when I think about it, I cry. We were getting real close again, he was being the big brother and protecting me. Our family is very close. We’re not just family we are each others best friend. That’s the way it should be in every family but unfortunately it isn’t that way. That’s what makes this even harder, you know having a really great relationship with my brother. I always looked up to him and still do, he always had an answer to everything I inquired. He was cool, eclectic, beautiful, strong and full of love. He would do anything for anyone, take the shirt off his own back for you. My whole world disappeared January 16, 1995 and I’m slowly finding another one. I’ve lost myself in my real world and just settled for the world I’m in now. Though I’ve met so many wonderful people that I can’t live without, I’m still hurting and missing my brother. So I throw away my sunflowers because they died today.