GROWLING

My stomach was growling and it has been doing that for the longest time. Today it was just more annoying than usual. It must have been because I got very agitated last night. Doesn’t that suck? How nerves can get the best of you and make you feel even worse on top of being aggravated?

“Oh, Isa I have to go to the bathroom.”

I thought the whole world was going to come out of me, but all that came out was air. That’s part of the world. I was relieved but at the same time annoyed that it was still rumbling and giving me that disheartened feeling. Today feels like a dizzy day. The kind of day when you’re in a daze and you just feel real frigid and the only image in your mind is your bed with you laying in it. You can’t think because there’s nothing there in your mind, being a strayed to La La land.

An e-mail has been sent out to the four of us at work from Isa. It was sent to Umay, Joy, Laura and me.

Subject: before Cha Fai says, "I'm hungry!"

The message read:

Anyone want to do sushi for lunch?

So, this is the story, I’m always hungry. I make an announcement as soon as I start feeling just a bit hungry and then start screaming when I’m real hungry. This happens to be only for lunch, I really don’t eat breakfast and if I do it’s a freshly squeezed Juice from the deli across the street from my job. Carrot, Celery, Apple and Ginger Root -- a lot of Ginger root. I got everyone at work into it now too. Any hoots, back to me being hungry. I get to work at 9am and at 9:20am I’m announcing my hunger. At 10am I’m screaming for lunch. They make me suffer here. We all have lunch together, so they make me wait till 11 even till noon. Those son’s of bitches or should I say daughters. Then at 10:18am I get an e-mail from Isa.

We ended up going to the Sushi restaurant near work. I ordered Shrimp Tempura roll and miso soup. Everyone put all their tofu in mine, Isa said I don’t get enough protein. We ate and had a great hour away from work. We get back to work and I still feel like crud. Maybe it’s because I’m getting depressed trying not to get depressed.

Though I try not to think about it, everyone is trying to make plans with me for this weekend. It’s nice that I’m included, shows I’m actually loved, but it only makes me more depressed.
“I can do anything any day but Sunday, Sunday is not good for me.”

Everyone’s answer is “Why not?”

“It’s my brothers 10 year death anniversary, and I never do anything on that day, I’m not in good shape that day. I go to the cemetery and just don’t want to do anything.”

I really don’t. It doesn’t feel right. Though it’s been 10 years and people tell me to get over it and I reply fuck you, it’s just something that will never fade. I’m reminded that my brother isn’t here anymore, how the fuck am I suppose to feel? No one understands, so they should shut the fuck up when they tell me to get over it. I know he’s dead. He’s gone. That’s it!! So why am I not allowed to miss him?? That’s what I feel and that feeling hurts deeper than anyone could ever imagine. Unless they’ve lost a sibling they would never know what I’m talking about. I was a teenager when he died, to lose someone so young so close to you scars you (He died 8 days shy his 31st birthday). You change, you’ve lost yourself along with half your soul and can’t get it back. Grief counseling, that’s one of the things my friend Ann says to me. She thinks I need grief counseling. I’m the therapist. Well, everyone’s therapist. I’m the one who helps everyone get through things, I’m the one who make people realize things, and I’m everyone’s Dear Abby. It’s me, me me me me!! I’m the strong one! I’m the one who is supposed to see what others don’t. I’m the one who understands what I feel. Grief counseling won’t do Jack Shit!! I understand what has happened, I have accepted what has happened, but no one, not a single damn soul out there can ever tell my heart not to grieve. Why don’t I just rip your arm off and then let me tell you to get over it, go to physical therapy. You’ll never get over the missing arm and physical therapy will not bring your arm back. So SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Now that’s why my stomach is growling.