Fill Me In...

I was by Anne’s house yesterday, I was getting ready to leave, when we saw Ty Pennington’s show come on. I had said how I wish they could do all that for me and well they can’t because I live in an apartment not a house. Then I would have to have a sad story. So Anne said that wouldn’t be a problem, because I have a miserable life so far. She didn’t mean anything mean by it, I didn’t take offense to it at all. All it did was make me think. Think about my life and wondered what it was that everyone saw. Yeah sure, there’s this empty feeling inside me that I don’t know how to fill or ever know if it will be filled, but I’m used to it. I’ve lived this long with it and will go on with it. So this morning I emailed Anne and asked her about my life.

Me:

Hey,
Last night when I was driving home, I was thinking about what you said. About the miserable life thing. The only miserable impact I canthink of is my brother’s death and a thought came to mind... I waswondering how people really see my life. So fill me in : )

Anne:
I am sorry for that comment. I didn't mean for it to sound as bad as it did. I didn't mean to say that your life is miserable. Miserable people don't have a great family like you do or friends that want you around. Miserable people don't have all the love you receive from your family and friends.
What I meant to say is that you've had a tough life. In all the years I have known you there has never been a day where you haven't been sick or in pain. Even in HS you appeared to be happy but there was always some lingering of pain in your eyes, a tiny bit of sorrow that you carried with you. When your brother died that sorrow overtook you and it has yet to let you go. I wish, more than anything on this earth, that I could take some of your pain away. You're heart, your lungs, your ovaries, your knees, your sorrow - I would take all that pain from you if I could, just to see you smile, really truly smile; not for the happiness you show for others good fortune but the happiness you should feel for your own.
I'm sorry if what I've said has upset you in any way. I just love you so much. I value our friendship; we are sisters.
Ok, now I have to get back to work before I start to get watery eyed. I lost my voice again this morning so I'm down to a whisper. How are you feeling?
Me:
I wasn't upset at all, and I knew what you meant.. tough life. I just was wondering how people saw me and what you saw that I have missed to make it rough. It's weird, I don't even feel I have a rough life,because I always thought this is what life was and got immune to it.Yeah I'm sick as a dang dog.

I had a weird dream about my brother last night. He was checking up on me. He called me on the phone and asked how I was doing. I asked the same and asked where he was, he ignored my question and just chatted with me. I then realized he was in a building that I was standing outside of. I looked up and saw him in the window and we started to talk and he told me to go to the corner. I had asked why and he said that they have the best vibrators, they go for like $3000 and I said with that money I want a computer, but it was weird that he said vibrator (must stand for something else), he handed me a whole bunch of change and I said where are you going he didn't answer but we spoke with our minds then and I said to myself oh you're going to work and he said in his mind yes. He was wearing a Barret (hat) and his camouflage pants. It was just so weird, but he was checking up on me and gave me a whole bunch of coins from the window.
do you think you can give your mom a call since i can't make calls, and ask her what does it mean when you dream about a dead person giving you money, but it was change (coins)

Anne:
I'll ask her when she calls me.

Me:
k i hope she calls you today. thanks.

Anne:
She calls me everyday!!

Me:
lol but with my luck today she won't call. I'll bring my cell phone in with me when I eat lunch and ask my mom but i won't tell her about the vibrator part, because that shocked the shit out of me lol and Idon't want to shock the shits out of her.

Anne:
See that's what worries me, you think that life should be like that but it's not supposed to be. You deserve so much happiness, so many wonderful things.

Me:
but I do have wonderful things. I have you and all my other friends, I have my family, I have my precious nieces and nephews, I have a voice that makes me feel so good when I sing and I have beautiful memories of all the people I've lost in my life, though I miss them very much it's only because I was so fortunate to have them in my life. So big deal, I'm not rich nor ever 100% healthy. But I'm alive and have everyone around me. The pain I carry inside, well honestly yeah it has to do with my brother’s death, but not only his death, I've lost a lot of close people in my life and it started when I was very young. You can be dramatized from that as a young kid. Plus, I know there's something in the past that I've blocked out and for the life of me probably will never remember what it is that scarred me. But I try not to even think about that and just try looking forward to eachday as it comes, yeah it always seems things don't go right for me,but though people might not believe in it, it's just mal occio and one day, I'll be free from that, don't know when but one day, and that's what keeps me going.

Anne:
If that's what you think, don't you want to find out what it is your blocking? Wouldn't you want to go talk to someone who can help you deal with it? Don't you think it would alleviate some of the pain you walk around with?
I know you are so blessed with a great family and friends that love you. I said that from the beginning. I just want you to be happy. Again, not the kind of happy you feel for someone else but the kind that you feel when the good things are happening to you. When the spotlight is on you and it's your shining moment. Understand?

Me:
honestly i don't think it's a good idea to find out, I remember that one time with what happened with my uncle, but who knows if there was any other time and if he ever went further and to tell you the truth I really don't want to find out, because it will kill me and make me feel a lot worse.

Anne:
Actually, it makes you feel better. Listen, I denied what happened to me for a long time. When I finally said it and dealt with it, it was like the sun was shining in on me again. It hurts, boy does it ever to relive the bad things that took place but after that pain comes peace.

I spoke with my mom, who spoke with my sister, who called me to tell me that according to Sylvia Brown seeing coins in your dreams means they are telling you they are with you, there for you, always around you.

Me:
Well I know he is, I just really wish he was rather alive than dead,but he will keep me strong and hold me up. Thanks for getting the answer for me. Call Ty maybe they'll give me a house!! LOL