What Is Wrong?

I woke up this morning at 7:25am. My alarm went off and it was Howard Stern talking to Alec Baldwin, I left it on and listened. Last night I found myself doing something I use to do a long time ago. Voices and I felt younger. I was by my bed cleaning up with all my blown up photos in front of me. I felt as if there were many of me talking and moving inside me at the same time. It was a familiar emotion that I never discovered it’s meaning. As fast as it came it lingered for just a few moments. I broke out of it. I didn’t know and still do not know what it is or ever was.

When it was time for bed, I didn’t want it to be. I walked over to my living room and scanned my finger over the binders of the books. I chose an astrological book. Thought I should sharpen my knowledge and maybe it would keep me interested enough that it would actually sulk into my brain and maybe just maybe I will remember it. My memory is shot and keeps fading. I was afraid to go to sleep. I felt that something was going to happen. Something bad was going to happen. I just didn’t know what it was. I had the nervous feeling inside that I usually get when I know something bad will happen with out it happening first. It kept me up till pass 3am. I wasn’t tired but my dying inquisitive mind went numb. Spaced out and the urge to cry but all it was, was scolding screams silenced in between my ears. What was wrong? What was the bad news? I was afraid to fall asleep and find myself trapped in a fire. I was afraid and getting more sick thinking about it. Was I going to fall asleep and stop breathing; was this bad thing that was going to happen, happen to me? Of course all these thoughts would keep me up. I had to sleep; I had to fight that indistinctive abnormal confused feeling. I woke up and hear Howard Stern.

I woke up and lost my breath. Was it going to hit me then? If it was, how was I going to react? I called my sister.

“Hello? I thought to call you at 7:30 in the morning to catch you, because we keep missing each other. I’ve been trying to get in touch with you since you went to the hospital, I did think of you. Call me, I LOVE YOU!”

I lay there, as the breeze hit my warm arms and I hid them under the covers as fast as possible. Still feeling numb I tried falling back to sleep. The nausea and empty feeling in my chest conquered me.

She called back. It was almost 9am. She had a doctor’s appointment to see the cardiologist at 3:30pm today.

I spoke with my sister and gave her my love trying to trance myself back to sleep. I think I dreamt of my brother, but I don’t remember it. I know he had something to tell me, but I woke up empty in mind. I finally got out of bed at 1:30 feeling miserable to the world. I had to snap out of it. So, I got up and decided to pay my bills. Was that the worse thing ever. So I get into an attack. Not able to think straight and well my chest hurting and wanting to throw up. I had to send some follow up e-mails for a job. Another thing to make me nervous. I went on with my day. The hands on the clock spun to quick.
I called my mother and no answer. I called my sister no answer. I finally get a call back and my sister needs to go for a stress test and an echocardiogram. The doc did jack shit today. It made me mad. I’m scared to get any news that there is something seriously wrong with my sister’s heart. My brother passed away 10 years ago from a heart attack, and my Zia Pina just passed away last month from a severe heart attack. I’m not supposed to know, but my mother’s heart is expanding. You see my family tries to keep certain secrets from me. They are afraid; I’ll have an episode and get real sick. They know I can’t really handle anything hard with out well having a real bad breakdown. I’m sensitive and fragile. Though I give off a show that I’m strong, there is only much I can hold. That’s when I break and not most people get to see it. I hide it or ignore it. Overall, I am worried. I told my sister that she might be having panic attacks. She said that she gets attacks every 20 minutes and the fucking doctor has some fucking nerve to schedule her for a stress test and echocardiogram a week from now. My sister was sitting with the doctor and laughing, she had an attack. Her blood pressure went up. I mean come the fuck on, wouldn’t that be enough to make some arrangements to have these tests done quick? Nooooo. As I sit here and type I feel like I’m pushing my body all the way to my right because it feels like someone has their big ass hand on my profile and pushing me to the left. What is wrong with me??