BUT I DIDN'T!

Today my friend, I started to clean my yard again. Well this time I had the choppers/clippers you know those big scissors. I already had whacked all the weeds and my body is still reminding me all about it, but today, I think I got bit by every Tom, Dick and Harry bug out there. Ohhhh and the thorns, those mother fuckers hurt like a big fucking bitch. My yard is between these two houses. On my right is a Polish family who have a grandson who’s probably around 8 and on my left hand side is an Italian family who have two boys one who is 5 and the other is like 8 or 9. When I whacked the shit out those weeds, I found so many toys, even a damn potato, I thought I was growing potatoes; I was so excited for no reason. It was the kids throwing it to one another across my yard. Why can’t they toss money around? That, I would not return. What is in my yard is mine now.

The polish boy next door, I mean I know he’s a kid, but gosh I just want to toss him across to the next neighborhood. Here I am doing my yard work, getting the work out of the year and HE KEEPS calling for me with his accent.

“EHXCUSE MEEEEEEEEEEEEE”

At first I was fine with it, but after a billion fucking times in a matter of half a minute it starts to burn a fucking hole in my head. It starts sounding so damn whiny. He’s up to mischief that little boy. I can see it right through him. He’s a wise ass and he thinks he’s smooth about it. He puts that I’m a foreign boy who doesn’t know better act. Well that shit is not going to fly my way. I can’t get any work done with this kid asking every damn second if I can get something for him that I chopped off or whacked. He then insults the little 5 year old next door.

“DUMB ASS”

How I wanted to rip him a new asshole. Who does this kid think he is? I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have any patience. I told him that it wasn’t nice to say those words, he knew and just smirked. So after, I give this kid all the branches in the world I had clipped off the trees. I hated it, but I took most of the dead ones off. The back of my yard looked like a jungle. Once he started up I told him that I would take them away from him and then 5 minutes later he calls the poor 5 year old a dumb ass.

So besides every freaking second with the

“EHXCUSE ME”

he knew he was busting my balls. So I decided to tell him that I can’t do it I have a lot of work to do. This kid just wouldn’t stop.

The 9 year Italian boy comes out side to greet me. He asked me if I had seen his turtle because he had found two in my yard and now one was missing and think that it ran away. So I told him that if I found it I would let him know. I told him it might be here in the back (a.k.a. jungle)

My yard is now lumpy. It has a few good piles of whacked weeds and clipped branches. My very first pile that I had created a few days ago was only two feet away from me. Alas, the turtle came out of the pile. I couldn’t believe it. It’s like it knew we were talking about it. I screamed the little Italian boy’s name out and I told him I found his turtle to come over the fence and get it, but he had no shoes on. So I had to grab the sucker myself. Mr. Wise Ass sees me giving the Italian boy the turtle and squeals for it. I told him that it wasn’t his and it belonged to the other boy. He pouts. That made me feel so glorious. That disappointment in his eyes that showed me that he didn’t get his way. It was beautiful. So the Italian boy puts it by the other turtle’s side. As he did that, I thought about the day I was whacking the weeds when something moved in the jungle (the mighty jungle the turtle sleeps tonight). I thought it was a mouse and had my roommate come to the yard and check out the situation. I thought I was going to shred the mouse apart and get squirted with its guts. It never happened.

Little Mr. Wise Ass has the nerve to tell me if the turtle comes back into my yard to give it to him. I said that I couldn’t, that it belonged to the other boy and that would be a question he would have to ask him. See, he didn’t ask me he told me to give it to him. Unbelievable. Can I snap his neck? He sat down with his back towards me. Glory halleluiah. Ok atheists don’t sing that do they? Ok well then what about I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it, I’m about to lose control and I think I like it ohhh yeahhhh. Well this little up to no good boy kept bugging the fucking shit out of me and while I was trying to rake up all the fucking thorn branches from my rose tree, he decides to put in his

“EHXCUSE ME”

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh “

“WHUT HAPPENED?”

“I GOT A THORN IN MY LEG”

“OH IT MUST BE IN REAL DEEP”

My fist down your throat is going to be deep you annoying little fucker, it’s your fault the thorn is in my leg, stop bothering me fucker.
Well that’s what I wanted to say. But I didn’t!