I'm Done

It has come and I am suffering.

Wed. night I had a dream that I was at my job, but it didn't look the same. It's always like that in dreams. There was fruit everywhere in the office. The one thing that stood out were the peeled oranges. They were whole, put in all different places all by themselves. I knew I couldn't touch it, because they weren't mine, but I wanted to grab it and eat it desperately. I just walked by with out touching them. Then Thursday I had another dream of looking at a fruit store with the vibrant colors of all the fruit. I was told that they were really good but I wanted better, I was told to go up a few blocks and that is where they sell the best inexpensive fruit. I went and saw my younger brother pull into McDonald's. I called him and he said he was already gone. I went nuts looking for him that I ended up getting lost.

I had my father look up oranges and fruit in the Italian dream book. It meant tears and sickness. It meant Zia Franca is going to die! She did, Saturday. I then had a dream this morning, that we found my aunt in her bed choking on her last breath. I called for an ambulance and told them or should I say screaming that they need to come, that my aunt was dying and she needed oxygen that I didn't want her to suffer. I wanted her to be able to breath and die peacefully. I was crying and yelling like a lunatic. I told my sister to go and punch my aunt in her chest to revive her. I then saw my aunt with white hair and she had asked me for a piece of my hair so she can take it with her. She wanted to take a piece of me with her. She did, she took a piece of my life when she left us.

I went out Friday night, it was a good time. Went for Japanese and then went to some lame lounge that we briefly visited and then we went to some VIP place. Still don't know why it was VIP, but I guess that is what Florida is for you. I went home content but still an annoyance or should I say a disappointment lingered inside. Remember my so called person who made me forget about my pain? Well I had text him earlier that day to tell him, that I was done and I said my goodbye. He didn't want that and it came to him texting me that he would call me, he never did. I had told him to prove to me that he's a friend by calling me later that day and he text me back "I will!!!". Never happened and it hurt and the disappointment lingered inside. I still went out and had a good time, I didn't want it to ruin my night.

Saturday morning, I opened my eyes and realized still that I never got a call. I was sad. I had to pee, but I had no strength to get up. So I did what a lazy person would do and that's stay in bed till I couldn't take it anymore. The phone rang, it was about 9 something. I thought my mom would get the phone, but she didn't. It was my Aunt in Ft. Lauderdale. She left a message. "Sara, pigia telefono", which means Sara pick up the phone. My mom didn't pick it up. The sound of the phone told my body to get up and pee. So I did. Then I walked around the house in a daze, something wasn't right. I could tell by the message. I don't know how, but something deep inside already told me. A few minutes passed and the phone rang again. It was my Aunt from Ft. Lauderdale again. The first thing I said with out giving her a chance to say hello was. "Come Zia Franca" - "How is Aunt Franca". This is my aunt in Rome whom I mentioned was sick and dying of Cancer. She replies "Si nio" - "She left".

I fell to the ground and cried the mourners cry. As soon as I hit the floor I had told her that I knew. The pain came back, the pain of losing someone.

Last year on New Year's Eve night, I had gotten a call that Zia Franca had lung Cancer and not even a year later she's gone. I miss her so much, I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. She went back to Rome and there is no way I could afford a ticket. My mom found out later that they were going to lay her out in her house the next day which is today Christmas Eve. That's the way they do it in Italy. They lay you out in your bed and then bring you to the cemetery.
My aunt was a healer, she helped so many others with their ailments and cured them. Now she's gone, she couldn't help herself, isn't that the way it always goes? Sounds like my life.

So here I am an emotional basket case. My aunt passes away, my parents are sick and my dad has hit depression and wishes he was dead. Do you know what that does to me? It tears me apart. My roommate is leaving, she has to move out and help her mother out, I'm left alone, I always feel alone. I need to find someone to move in because I can't afford it on my own and I don't have time. Then I've been trying to shake off this darn cough that I've had for over a month and it's not going anywhere but staying in my damn lungs. I had checked my email to find that I got a bonus which I thought it would be more, but I can't complain, it's a damn bonus. Then in the letter that was sent via email told me our salary raise. They only gave me cost of living. The person before me was making more than I was, she did a lousy job and didn't do her job and made a mess for me to clean up when I got there, when I was hired I was put to my desk and they said ok work, I had to train myself. I found her paper work and saw she was making more than me, she was only there for 8 months before they let her go and hired me, I've been there for a year and four months, and they did not give me a raise, I'm not making anything near what they paid her, it's a slap in the face, since I turned the place around and cleaned up the crazy mess. The person who had me forget my pain, forgot me and well I had to call him. I had to call him and tell him that I can't go through this. I can't be his friend because he isn't trying and it's hurting me. This is the time when I need my friends the most. Yeah I have my other friends, but when we hooked up, we built this bond and I felt it, I thought it would bring our friendship to a deeper level. Meaning we would be close and be there for one another. I guess that bond was all fiction. I called and told him do you want to be friends or not because I'm not working on hope anymore, I spilled out my emotional guts and he said he wants to be there for me. I told him I'm tired of making everything about everyone else, 2007 it's going to be all about me. So if he doesn't want to be my friend he needs to tell me now because I'm done. I told him I'm tired of a girl interfering our friendship. I just needed him to tell me I can't be friends with you anymore, so I can let go of hope. He then says that we are friends and he was giving me time to be with my family and that he wants to be there for me, but it was a rushed speach. He said he had to run around and take care of things and would call me when he got home, he said to give him 2 hours. I didn't hold my breath. He never called. He knew how torn I was with my Aunts death and knew I was hurting because the lack of our friendship. He was suppose to prove to me that he was a friend by calling me the other day and he never did. When I get back home to New York, I'm done. He's no longer my friend, I will no longer bother trying to mend it. I can't have him bring me down when I'm already under. So, here's to another damn miserable year that will forever play in my mind and to a new year wishing for happiness. I'm falling apart, so I'm done!

It's That Time Of Year Again

I know... it's been a while. I just haven't been able to blog in a very long time. A lot has been going on. I don't even know where to begin. So I'll just be sporadic.

Mia moved out and I have a new roommate, but I think I already mentioned that. Things are great. I do the cooking and she does the cleaning, I help out once in a while, if I'm not in my bed sick as a damn dog, seems to be the trend this year. To be sick as a dog. Who the heck came up with that saying anyway?

At this particular moment my eyes are puffy and won't seem to go down, they burn at times and well it looks like somebody died and I've been crying all damn day. Tis not true... it's me not feeling well. Damn it!

I had stopped typing and continued today, things have changed at the homefront and my eyes are no longer puffy but my heart is definitly sore.

I've been recording and made some great friends from the studio. It feels good to be around passion and to be around your passion that you can share with people. I would go after work and get there around 8, 8:30 and get home around 2 am and lose another nights sleep. Not like I get a real nights rest anyway. It's about a 1/2 hour ride out and well thank goodness there's no traffice on the way home. I sang with bronchitis and well it was recorded. It's amazing what you would do for passion.

Last year at this time, things seemed like shit, like always. This year it's happening all over again. My aunt in Rome is dying and I know I will never see her again. My heart suffers knowing she is in a lot of pain. I feel like I'm dying all over again, the way I felt when my brother died years ago. My parents aren't well, all they are doing is getting older and getting sicker. I haven't been feeling well, but that's usual for me and I just live with it.

My new roommate who's actually lived with me for like 7 to 8 months just told me the other day that her mother needs her to come back home. Again, I am stuck looking for a new roommate in a short notice. It's stressful and I try not to stress, but how can I not with everything else that is breaking my heart. I have a job, yes, it pays my bills and that is all that can be said about that. This time of year brings back pain and I thought it would get better as years came by. On the contrar other bullshit has to happen and make it worse. I get real sensitive this time of year. I think about my brother Martino who passed away, it will be 12 years in January, and you would think I would feel a bit better about the whole thing, but it's something that never goes away. So at this time of year I'm alot more sensitive to things than usual.

I did have a happy moment that briefly came into my life, that was quickly taken away, hence another heart break. I actually met someone. Someone who I felt comfortable with. Someone who actually took all the stupid pain away or should I say made me forget about the pain. It felt good. It felt good that person was there to hold me and to give me what I needed. No strings attached, he would put his head on my chest and he actually told me that my heart beat was beating so normal. Much does he know my palpatations went away when I was with him, he brought calm to my insanity of pain. The sad part was, I really liked him, I developed feelings for him, but I refrained to tell him, I thought we both agreed to the no strings attached deal and take it day by day. I was afraid to like him, because like I said I thought it was no strings attached and I knew as soon as I did tell him, I felt that what we had would go away, and it did because as soon as I was ready to do so his ex came into the picture. Intuition could sometimes be a bitch. His ex started to feel lost with out him when she found out he was with me, and it's only natural to feel the way she did, which was, oh I miss him and I realize that he is with someone and I can not take that, I want him back. So there he went right back to her. He claims the two months they were together, they fell for another, but the reason he first broke up with her wasn't enough for him to stay with me and start something new, something he was released from stress and so comfortable with. He did have feelings for me but I take it wasn't enough. He had rather gone on to the challange of fixing things with the girl he thought he fell for two months ago that did things I feel shouldn't have gotten a second chance. Now I'm here typing it to you.

I'm in Florida visiting my family. I thought I would be happy and part of my saddness would go away, it hasn't. I can't stop it. I want it to go away. I want my Aunt to miraculously heal, I want my parents pain to go away and for them to live for an eternity. I want my friendship back with the man who briefly took my pain away and made me happy. I want my passion of singing to finally rise, I want my health to be in tip top shape. I just want to be HAPPY.