The Selfish, The Fool and The Wool

 I’m really going to try and help myself right now and let everyone else live their own lives. Just as they are right now, without me. Thoughtlessly going about their day. Walking around from place to place with no thought of what is truly going on. Maybe even a little whistle. They don’t care because everything is dandy in their world that they've created in their warped mind, where nothing is there to bother them, no nuisances. They don’t care about you. They are selfish. They think there’s no problem and expect to come right back as if nothing happened. Selfish. I'm going to subtract myself. Why should I hold the weight of someone else’s lack of insight of what is truly happening? Not caring what I’m feeling and just go about their day. Who is the one hurting and thinking about it all? The fool. Which would be me. So now I’ve taken the ropes and live my life the way it was before them and keep going. You do you, I’ll do me. Drama. Who the heck still creates drama? We’re too old for that shit. I’ve never experienced this before and I think this is why I’m so hurt and angry. It’s exhausting. I actually realized it when I felt the weight holding me down. I’m too exhausted to have that life. They go on their day like you don’t exist. You do the same. I can’t have drama dragged to my table. Those who’ve hurt me do not deserve the satisfaction of hurting me. I have to keep saying my mantra “Not my life, Not my problem” when I feel them draining me. It hurts to let go of those I really love, but this pulled my eyes wide open. I will not have the wool over my eyes from this point on. They honestly don’t care about me; they brought selfish to my table. I will not have anyone else drain me. I don’t deserve it, and now I will walk life with letting go. It’s okay, we can talk about what’s going on in your life. We don't always need to talk about me, because your voice needs to be heard too. You are the one who is sitting next to me. Not those who walk by selfishly. So, how’s life?

Do As I Do

Get the feelings all down. The feeling that I hate feeling. The feeling of loss, betrayal, anger and pain. My heart was tainted for 2 and half years. Tainted with an illusion. An illusion that my gut was feeding my heart at the same time. Until that one day, when someone ripped it right of my gut and threw it hard on the floor. My heart cringed and my chest caved in I felt my ribs being torn apart. The anger grew as my insides were twisted and trembling. I lost something and it hurts. I lost someone because of their foolish behavior. Questions run through me and I haunt myself when all I want to do is erase it all from my mind. Erase the part in my heart that felt and fell. It's like mourning and as much as I try to forget about it, it's stuck in my throat and putting pressure on my chest. Was it only I who felt all the good things between us or was I being fooled? Was it real? Did the words, "I do care, I really do." was that part of their lies or was it genuine? Life goes on for them, with out me. It hurts to think that I wouldn't even come up in their mind because all they consume their life with now is well... a mistake. It boggles me that my happiness and comfort was kidnapped. Nowhere to be found, but probably drowned in a deep swamp to disintegrate. I sit here listening to the clicking of the keys my fingers keep tapping on this lap top and in some crazy way even though I let them go, I hope that things don't go right for them and later in life our paths will meet again. Well now, that's not letting go is it? Okay so then... I gave this person a few words of how they destroyed anything we've had and I can not stay around to have my heart get abused. I'm not here to be the fool. I just want that person to do as I do or should I say FEEL AS I FEEL. I want them to feel the anguish of loss. I want that person to realize, that I am a true person that is hard to find. I want them to feel the pain of missing me the way I feel the pain and intensified. I want them to feel what I feel. I want them to taste the medicine. As mean as it sounds I do not wish for this person to be happy at all with the choice they have made, which I call a mistake, stupidity and carelessness. I want this person to feel and feel loss! I want them to be fooled into something they fell in love with and have it ripped right of their fucking soul. You can't repair what is damaged beyond control. As far as I walk away I can still feel my heart beating the way they made it beat when it was all good.

It's Been too long. 15 years long!

It's been too long, year after year and year, years and years have passed. And now she returns. She can write and people can seep her words, her thoughts the sound of chaos, silence and misunderstanding to understanding but still it all can just maybe be misunderstood. She has her air within each movement she breathes in and utters the life behind her words. t...t...t...t...t ready set go. Keep looking into my words on the line and in between the lines. You know what is hidden and what is in plain site. Without warning it hits you or maybe not. Maybe you just have to put your mind into these slots.

#backagain #intriguing #life #absence #misunderstood #hidden #15 #chaos #silence