Stress is....

Stress is a fucking killer. It will make you think you are insane and either drive you to being a dumb ass or just a zombie. The other day, as I got off the phone with Ann I walked pass the mirror on the wall behind my computer. I already knew my eyes were red and puffy and my hair was a disaster. So, I didn't bother to look in the mirror but envisioned myself grabbing my hair and grabbing a scissors and chopping my hair off. When I was on the phone with Ann I found myself on the floor in my bedroom using my pajama shirt as a tissue for my nose. As I lifted my shirt to my nose, I felt like a skeleton. I also realized it when I was on the computer earlier that day, and in the middle of an aggravated breakdown I took my hands off the keyboard and made a fist with each hand and had them side-by-side. My hands looked so small and boney.

Mia thinks I should see someone. A therapist, that is. I’m totally against those people, because I know my mind and know myself. I’m usually everyone’s therapist. She said it would be good for me to talk to someone who doesn’t know me and can’t judge me. I was thinking more of helping find what I’ve blocked. I’ve been contemplating on swallowing that pill Mia gave me. She says it calms you down. I’m also against that. I have it on top of my stereo’s speaker just incase I have a crazy breakdown. I didn’t know it was there till I cleaned up my room the other day. I had my baby blue feather earrings hiding them.

Lately, I’ve been falling into a phase. At first I was angry that I lost my job, (news flash… I still am) confused and just not feeling well. I’ve tried to do things that make me happy, like surround myself with my friends and family or go to the studio. At the end of the day when I get home, it all waits for me and hits me as I open my door. The wind gets knocked out of me every single time I open the door. My bed is haunted. It calls for me and has its arms open. I avoid it till it’s real late, or should I say early in the morning, to go to sleep. That only keeps me up and once I do fall, I have nightmares. I had a communion to go to… I know… I know I’m atheist, but it was family, I have to respect their beliefs. I was having this horrible dream about being in a store that my friends wanted to try some clothes on; they left and went into the dressing room with out telling me. Like if they were avoiding me, I wasn’t part of the clique. I got upset, but waited outside for them. They took forever so I decided to walk around and found myself in a lounge like bar. I saw my purse hanging on one of the chairs and grabbed it. I opened it and searched for my cell. It wasn’t there. I was so upset. Mad at my friends because they left it there unattended to only avoid me. I started to flip the fuck out. Most of the people left the place; I tried having the people who worked there look for my phone. I called my cell with the lounges phone. A guy picks up. He couldn’t have been any older than 17. I yelled at the kid and told him that he had my phone that he better give it back. He wouldn’t give it to me because he supposedly bought it off some guy at the lounge. I was mad. He said he paid 20 dollars for it. I told him to come back and I’ll give him 20 bucks for my phone so I could have it back. He was being a dickhead and said he would call me to let me know. The fucker was going to call me?? How the fuck was he going to do that when he had my phone. He then said he’ll call me when he was almost there.

I had a strange feeling he wasn’t coming, so my nerves were shot up to the fucking sky. I saw this little boy outside with a saw machine full of blood. He put it to the side and people were trying to help him. They all ran when they noticed he was killing people with it. One girl escaped the lounge. And she ran passed by the front doors of the lounge with patches of hair missing and her face full of blood. It was all distorted, as her skin was peeled off. I wanted to get out. I wanted to get my phone. I was trapped. I was a hostage. My friend Ann who appeared out of nowhere, walked out the front doors to escape. I screamed for her not to leave and was afraid she was going to get killed. This little boy would kill anyone who left. I watched all these people get killed and was mortified. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to run, I wanted out. I wanted to grab the little boy and kill him. I wanted to grab that saw machine and toss it so fucking far. I just wanted. I then found myself sitting on a corner of the Manhattan streets with the rest of the people from the lounge including Ann. Cops everywhere. This one guy walks by with a cigar in his mouth and points right at me and nods his head as if he is identifying me. The voice in my head said are you going to buy me a new phone? That won’t help me. I won’t have any of my numbers. I knew he could hear me. I watched the cocksucker pass us by and walk away.

This Mornings Dream

I knew I had to call last night, but I didn’t. I called this morning to find out what time I had to be at the studio in Yonkers. I had my alarm set for 10am, but of course like everyone else in the world, the time is set a few minutes faster. I always open my eyes way before the alarm and have a rough time getting back to sleep. Once I fell, I had a dream.

It was supposedly at my apartment but for the life of me could not recognize it. My second oldest brother Lucio was in the corridor with my youngest brother Giovanni looking for an aspirin. The odd part is that Giovanni was about 10 years old in my dream while Lucio was as old as he his now. I said I had prescribed ibuprofen and asked what was wrong. Giovanni was holding his mouth and Lucio told me that it was his tooth hurting. They didn’t want my medication and left to look for some aspirin.

I grabbed the phone as I walked into the living room and found my parents there. They live in Florida and I’m guessing they were in my apartment because they were visiting. From the living room I walked over to the kitchen and noticed out the back yard door that the orange striped cat I always see in real life in my yard was pouncing onto a small little bird. With its two front paws the little bird’s wings were held down as the cat bit into its head. I was mortified, and as the cat dug its teeth into the head I saw blood splatter. The bird was still alive; I just wanted to save it. The cat walks away, but this time the cat is so big and its mouth was huge as it gagged on the bird’s blood. The cat didn’t like what he tasted.

I was in shock everything all went down in slow motion. I picked up the phone to call one of the producers. There was commotion going on but at the same time there was silence. I was trying to make arrangements to go to Yonkers for a session, but I had to give him the bad news that I might not be able to make it today. My parents were in my bed and I asked them when they were leaving for Florida. They said the 18th maybe the 21st. I told the producer that my family was in and couldn’t make it, but I was still trying to get there today. My mom said she had things to do today that didn’t include my presence so I thought maybe I could make the studio. That was that.

So now it flashes into a large x-ray room at a hospital. There is my brother Martino who has been dead for 10 years in real life laying on top of an x-ray machine, but it had covers like a tanning bed but flat. They were going to operate on him. Then they closed the upper part and took an x-ray, but I was the one holding it down and I was worried about being so close to the x-ray, I didn’t take in a deep breath, I was worried about my ovaries because I was exposed. The nurse then looked at the developed x-ray and she points out to me that my brother has two slipped disks. She scans her finger from the top of his neck all the way to the lumber part of his back. There they were, and the astonished nurse couldn’t believe how far out his disks were bulging out. They started to operate.

I went outside the operating room and started to cry hysterically. I popped my head in and told the surgeon to please be careful because 10 years ago he died and came back to life. Meaning his heart stopped but it started again. I cried and cried, scared that he was going to die on that operating table. He was face down and the surgeon took a saw machine to open up his back I saw blood everywhere, I thought my brother wasn’t going to make it. In the corridor of the operating room I heard the surgeon tell my brother to hold on and not to let go. He called my brother Stevan. The surgeon called me in to talk to my brother to keep him with us. So I did.

“Martino, don’t worry they are doing a great job, everything is going to be ok. You’ll be fine. I can’t wait to see you.”
And that my friend, kept my brother alive. Though I was crying hysterical as I was talking to him I knew that he was going to make it, but in reality when I woke up, he was dead.

What Is Wrong?

I woke up this morning at 7:25am. My alarm went off and it was Howard Stern talking to Alec Baldwin, I left it on and listened. Last night I found myself doing something I use to do a long time ago. Voices and I felt younger. I was by my bed cleaning up with all my blown up photos in front of me. I felt as if there were many of me talking and moving inside me at the same time. It was a familiar emotion that I never discovered it’s meaning. As fast as it came it lingered for just a few moments. I broke out of it. I didn’t know and still do not know what it is or ever was.

When it was time for bed, I didn’t want it to be. I walked over to my living room and scanned my finger over the binders of the books. I chose an astrological book. Thought I should sharpen my knowledge and maybe it would keep me interested enough that it would actually sulk into my brain and maybe just maybe I will remember it. My memory is shot and keeps fading. I was afraid to go to sleep. I felt that something was going to happen. Something bad was going to happen. I just didn’t know what it was. I had the nervous feeling inside that I usually get when I know something bad will happen with out it happening first. It kept me up till pass 3am. I wasn’t tired but my dying inquisitive mind went numb. Spaced out and the urge to cry but all it was, was scolding screams silenced in between my ears. What was wrong? What was the bad news? I was afraid to fall asleep and find myself trapped in a fire. I was afraid and getting more sick thinking about it. Was I going to fall asleep and stop breathing; was this bad thing that was going to happen, happen to me? Of course all these thoughts would keep me up. I had to sleep; I had to fight that indistinctive abnormal confused feeling. I woke up and hear Howard Stern.

I woke up and lost my breath. Was it going to hit me then? If it was, how was I going to react? I called my sister.

“Hello? I thought to call you at 7:30 in the morning to catch you, because we keep missing each other. I’ve been trying to get in touch with you since you went to the hospital, I did think of you. Call me, I LOVE YOU!”

I lay there, as the breeze hit my warm arms and I hid them under the covers as fast as possible. Still feeling numb I tried falling back to sleep. The nausea and empty feeling in my chest conquered me.

She called back. It was almost 9am. She had a doctor’s appointment to see the cardiologist at 3:30pm today.

I spoke with my sister and gave her my love trying to trance myself back to sleep. I think I dreamt of my brother, but I don’t remember it. I know he had something to tell me, but I woke up empty in mind. I finally got out of bed at 1:30 feeling miserable to the world. I had to snap out of it. So, I got up and decided to pay my bills. Was that the worse thing ever. So I get into an attack. Not able to think straight and well my chest hurting and wanting to throw up. I had to send some follow up e-mails for a job. Another thing to make me nervous. I went on with my day. The hands on the clock spun to quick.
I called my mother and no answer. I called my sister no answer. I finally get a call back and my sister needs to go for a stress test and an echocardiogram. The doc did jack shit today. It made me mad. I’m scared to get any news that there is something seriously wrong with my sister’s heart. My brother passed away 10 years ago from a heart attack, and my Zia Pina just passed away last month from a severe heart attack. I’m not supposed to know, but my mother’s heart is expanding. You see my family tries to keep certain secrets from me. They are afraid; I’ll have an episode and get real sick. They know I can’t really handle anything hard with out well having a real bad breakdown. I’m sensitive and fragile. Though I give off a show that I’m strong, there is only much I can hold. That’s when I break and not most people get to see it. I hide it or ignore it. Overall, I am worried. I told my sister that she might be having panic attacks. She said that she gets attacks every 20 minutes and the fucking doctor has some fucking nerve to schedule her for a stress test and echocardiogram a week from now. My sister was sitting with the doctor and laughing, she had an attack. Her blood pressure went up. I mean come the fuck on, wouldn’t that be enough to make some arrangements to have these tests done quick? Nooooo. As I sit here and type I feel like I’m pushing my body all the way to my right because it feels like someone has their big ass hand on my profile and pushing me to the left. What is wrong with me??

Wiser

Am I sad that I lost my job? NO! I wasn’t happy there, but it was paying my bills and supporting me. I made the best of it and did my best. In life you will learn that people want to see and hear what they only want to hear and most of the time it’s not the truth. You have to take punches in life and just remember, you can either block it without punching back or you can just take it and then make it look like it didn’t bother you. It eats away the puncher. You know how when someone is being real mean to you and in return you react in a friendly or calm manner? Well that’s what they hate. They want to hurt you, make you feel like shit and they don’t do it intentionally but in their sick mind they are. If someone isn’t happy with you in any way, they will treat you that way. So being nice and calm will eat the fucker away and in the end you’re the one who won.

I’m not saying this is a game and you have to be the winner, but you shouldn’t let people drag you down to the dirty ground. You make yourself the better person. I know and I’m hoping that it’s 100% true, that all the people that try to harm me in any way, well let’s just say I’m a big fan of Karma. If shit doesn’t go back around to them, someone who is very close to them that they truly love will feel it. I can walk around now being mad and in shock, I can tell them to fuck off and that they are insane for the lousy excuses that I was let go. It’s part of my healing. I’m not sad that I lost the job, I’m mad that I was let go blindsided. So with all the lies that contradicted everything I am, I’ve learned now how I should see who these people really are and listen to the words that show me that they spoke were not the truth and put it in their face and made them see you can’t fuck with me. I walked away a wiser woman.

Leaving Palermo 

Out My Window 

Precious Silence 

Reaching Out 

I Felt Different

When I got back from Rome, things at work weren’t the same. I felt a different vibe, a vibe that I didn’t like. I felt different. Okay, yes I was mourning and not myself, but that’s the best time to actually feel what is around you. When I’m most sensitive, when my guard is down, I feel it all.

Everyone who I told thought I was crazy, but in time I would find out what it was. I know I write about a lot of bad things that happen, like how much I feel that my life sucks big well you know what, but as one of my friends described it, I have a black cloud following me. So here I am thinking things just can’t worse than they already are, from losing my aunt and having to watch my mother suffer and always being sick visiting specialist to everyday being a bad day to going on the most emotionally draining trip and trying to come back to the ugliest vibe surrounding you.

It was a new moon. Friday, April 8th and that’s when it got worse. I had my hat on and grabbed my coat to go home. I was so excited. That day, as I was walking around in the office, I felt this overwhelming confident feeling. I was working on a presentation and I felt real good about it, I finally was able to work on something creative and it felt good. As I was walking around with papers in my hand I felt important. I was thinking about how I was going to go to the bank the next day and take more money out of my checking account and have it put into my savings every direct paycheck deposit. I wanted to start saving money and I was seriously going to think about asking my landlord if he had an available garage, because I’m tired of going crazy looking for parking late at night and having to move my car for alternate side parking. I wanted to buy a new computer so I can start to teach myself how to use photoshop and paintshop to start working on my new ideas.

I had asked my boss if I could leave at 5 that day, since I worked OT last night and came in earlier that day I thought she wouldn’t mind. I had an appointment and she was fine with it. My day was finally going right. I was thinking about buying my parents a new set of wedding bands with diamonds on it for their 42nd wedding anniversary. Since my mother was planning to go to Italy for her anniversary and changed her flight when he sister died. I kept thinking about the pain my mother was bearing and how this gift would make her feel just a bit better. Things is my dad’s left hand is missing fingers, from his saw accident many years ago. He wouldn’t be able to wear his ring, but then I thought he could wear it on his right hand. All my dreams were crashed at 5:00 that day.
I was FIRED!

Hot N Gross

Hope is working on her demo. She finally met someone who will do what she wants, plus he’s not charging $5000 per song like that overconfident fuck we went to check out about a month ago. She told me all about her new discovery and introduced me to this “it’s about fucking time, I’m tired being on a backburner, someone who finally believes in me and wants to work with me” person.

It was Sunday and I needed to get my oversized umbrella back. I had forgotten my umbrella by the enchanted music world a.k.a. studio from my first visit. Sunday he dedicates his time to one particular rap artist who has about 6 collaborators from producers to other artists. So let’s just say Hope and I walked into a work in progress. The main reason for my first visit was to check this place out and then NETWORK baby. I needed to be back in the music world, its what keeps me happy. I had brought my CD of my 3 ballads over. He liked it and music started to flow in my blood again.

Ok so now we’re back to Sunday. Hope and I walk into the studio and there’s about 10 men scattered all over the place holding on to a bottle of beer. We walked in the middle of magic. I’m not shy and neither was Hope. We were both comfortable in this atmosphere and felt the same dream amongst ourselves. We were all in the same boat. We sat there and well, made some new contacts. I sang my hook with my sickly voice and they liked it, but the artist wasn’t interested with me working on that track since they already had a vocalist on it. Hope was suppose to go back on Tuesday, that’s if that other vocalist wasn’t going to take too much of his time.

When I got in Tuesday evening from work, I checked my voicemail. He wanted me to come to the studio. I called. We spoke. Then I was at the studio and singing on the very track, taking over the other vocalist place. All I can say is thank goodness, LET THE MUSIC PLAY.
So the artist was happy and so was the man behind the motherboard, who I call Falafel. It was simple singing, nothing to creative; it was just to put something down. I felt like an ass, because I felt I didn’t give my all with the phlegm stuck in my throat and having to sing so simple, but it was the beginning of something that might be a great start. My burping didn’t help either, I was drinking Japanese beer, Falafel didn’t have anything but beer and I was one thirsty girl. So from smelling my armpit behind the mic and burping up the beer onto the track, I made a great impression. HOT and GROSS!!

A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT

I went out one Friday night right after work to meet up with Lilie. We were going to meet with Jon and his friends. It was Jon's friend's birthday and neither Lilie nor I knew the man. We were there before Jon; there was the birthday boy and two other people who were complete strangers to us. We felt a bit awkward being in an expensive place with just a bit of cash in our pockets. They were all dressed up and there I was in my jeans with a large sleeveless brown knitted loose turtleneck sweater. My boots all scuffed up and my hair was in a ponytail because I was too tired to wash it. I felt like shit and thought I looked like it too. I wasn't feeling well, but I only went to spend time with Lilie and Jon. It's been a while since I last seen them. Lilie has been down. Everyone these days seems to be in a rut or not happy with where they are.

Lilie and I were at ease but there was still sadness there. We used to see each other every day for 7 years, we were like sisters and well now… we hardly get to talk to each other nor see one another. We communicate here and there through e-mail. Lilie suffers from so many different pains that I wish I could take away. The only remedy that can help just a tinsy winsy bit, is for us to work with each other side by side once again. Giving one another company would just brighten up our dim corners in our lives and I miss that. I can read her as she can read me.

We looked out the large window and took in the skyline. It was beautiful, that’s probably why this place was so expensive. I decided to break the ice and walk over to the 3 strangers sipping on Veuve Clicquot. I slapped the birthday boys arm and said,

“It must be your birthday.”

Yes I know I’m aggressive, but it was all done in humor. Lilie and I sat down and made friends for the night. The five of us became 25 of us ½ hour later. The birthday boy told us that we shouldn’t worry, that there were going to be a lot more younger men than woman coming. I had something to say about that.

“That’s nice, how much younger, I thought you turned 21 today.”

He smiles as his 40 somewhat soul looks at me.

“It really doesn’t matter, I’m not here to pick up.”
He laughed and walked away to the other strangers. It ended up being a parade of women and a few men, and older men. Some were even in their 50’s. I didn’t care, but at the same time found it extremely amusing. So my amiable personality made some conversation with the men and women. The woman all thought I was in fashion. My heart smiled from the great compliment coming from beautiful well-dressed women. It was a beautiful night!

K.O.

I took the train with Hope this morning. Like usual my freaking eye was bothering me and my nose was running and well, I felt like shit. This cold thing is not working out for me. Hope sacrificed her last tissue to me, she’s also suffering from a cold. So I ripped it in half and used the one half for my nose and stuffed the other half in my left coat pocket for another nose dripping encounter and for my tearing, feels like someone stabbed my eye, situation. We blabbed on the train and I noticed some weirdo standing right up on the damn doors as it closed in his face. He waved good bye to some chick as the train choo chooed its way out of the station. She was wearing a long black coat. All I saw was the back of her brown twisted hair as she waved back to Mr. Weirdo. Then I thought aww how romantic, he really wants her. Though I didn’t feel the same vibe from her. I think it’s that situation where someone likes the other person more. Any hoots. She finally got a seat and she sat across from me. She was playing with her cell phone and gave me a nasty look. AGAIN, I just don’t get it. I didn’t kill her dog, nor steal that weirdo man from her, so what was up her fucking ass???

Me and Hope bullshitted as her sneeze was trapped inside. Her eyes would roll back and slightly close with her mouth a bit open and …. Nothing. Nothing came out. I hate that, and so does she, having to sneeze and it just doesn’t come out and it tricks you about 5 to 10 times. Must be because it’s April fool’s day. Her own damn body playing a trick on her. How ironic.

So this chick across from me had me thinking, once again, thinking about what it is about me that people just give me the nastiest looks. They dislike me without even knowing me. So on our way to our transfer, I was thinking maybe it’s just me. Maybe I give off that “Look at me nasty fucker” look on my face. Which I know I don’t because I’m not that kind of person. So as I got on the train, I asked Hope

“Hey, if you didn’t know me and you looked at me, do I look like a bitch to you?”

She said “No, but you noticed that right?”

“Noticed what?”

“That, that girl who just walked right passed you gave you a nasty look?”

Hope imitated this insane jack fucking ass, she looked at me up and down and rolled her eyes with a tss.

“Nope I didn’t see it, she doesn’t even know me. That’s what I fucking hate, I didn’t kill her damn dog. If I did see that, I would have punched her right in her face so then she would have a reason to roll her eyes back.”

I said it loud enough so every Tom, Dick and Harry and their mothers would here me. Her eyes would be rolling back from my K.O. bitch!