Lost, can you find me?

Why do I feel this lingering nauseating emptiness inside me? I go on with my day, but I feel so worn out? Feels like I haven’t slept in months. I wake up as if I haven’t slept at all. I’m forgetting things I did or need to do. There’s a yearning but I don’t know what it is I yearn. I keep telling myself “maybe if you cry, you’ll feel better”, but then I can’t even find the time to let the tears of the uncertainties wither out and flow away from my soul. I’m wondering if it’s everything finally falling into place to remind me of what I have been through. I’ve been trying to think positive hoping it will change things around, remove the negative thoughts that haunt my mind and heart and gut. It’s not easy. I always say it in my head, but now I have to say it out loud. If I say it out loud maybe just maybe things will change for the better, take all this lingering sadness and pain away. I’m done with it, tired of it and want it all to go away. I want a new me to be found and brought to the surface. How do I do that if I’ve lost myself in general? My life is so occupied, I have gotten lost in it. I’m the woman who’s there for you and there to celebrate your joy. I’m the woman who picks you up and goes to a Diner for breakfast. I’m the woman who e-mails you how much she misses you. I’m the woman who e-mails to set up a date to hang out. I’m the woman who will drop everything and help you out. I am the woman who will hold your head up while you are crying. I’m the woman who opens her arms and holds you. I’m the woman running around doing things for everyone. I’m the woman. I’ve become the woman I can’t find in myself. It’s like I’m living everyone’s life inside me except for mine. I feel like I don’t know where I went. Where did you go? I feel weak and confused still. Is it all the pain medication wearing me down, or is it life or maybe both? I need to feel for me now. How do I do that? How do I reach inside myself and find that special light to bring up to the surface? How? I just don’t know. I’ve been wanting to go to a spiritual cleansing retreat, maybe that will help. Maybe there I will be able to shed the uncertainties, the pain, and the weakness out of me. They’re just way to expensive, I don’t get it. We want to help cleanse ourselves not cleans the bank account out. I keep my head up, I’m told I’m strong, why is it I don’t feel strong? Can you tell me? I don’t want pitty, I just want people to respect what I’m going through and help me get through it. Can you?