The so far...

It was about 2:30 pm. The air was just different today, the sun was warm but there was a calm breeze about it. Walking was a struggle for I felt each bone in my lumber spine being pulled out of my body sending pain through out my body. I was a soldier and took the pain. I kept walking with slow movement, but I was walking. My face was bare from make up, my arms dangled on my side as my bruises stood out. My strength was buried somewhere in my bed. I forgot to take it with me. Tired, but determined. A thought came to mind... I would have not been here today, if I didn't go to the emergency room. No one walking around me would have ever known that I almost died on the 4th of July. No one around me would ever think that I'm sick and I'm suffering as I walk to the train station to go see the doctor.

I think that's when it hit me. That's when I realized how critical I was. The doctors note that said critically ill didn't phase me. The hematologist in NY telling me that they overdosed me in the hospital, but they had to... it was an emergency... it saved your life. Still those words didn't phase me. Just walking down the street alone, I realized. I realized that I could have just dropped dead out of nowhere the week before and it scared me. I don't know why, but I can't muster up the strength to cry. I thought to let it out, it would release some sort of that mystery emptiness I have. Heck, I made it. I went to the emergency room, I did not hemorrhage though I was right about to, but I made it to the hospital in time. So world I'm still here, like it or not, I'm a survivor and you can't get rid of me.

July 11, 2008