All my memories mustered into fragments. In ICU I saw my brother who has passed away, leaning on the door frame of my room when I laid there crying from the pain thinking I was on my death bed. He was there to watch over me. Another fragment of coming out one of my surgeries when the nurse came over and said I don’t like the way you are breathing and quickly gave me oxygen. I didn’t even realize I wasn’t breathing right.
Fragments:
Listening to the MRI machine noise brings memories of all the time each part of my body was scanned. Worried with what they will find.
My breast tumor biopsy… “You want all three done?” “Yes” “Wow, you’re in for a ride, we only normally just do one at time, it’s going to be painful”. I didn’t feel a thing, but felt the anxieties of the Cancer that runs in my family that might be living inside my body. Waited and waited to get the good news that it wasn’t Cancer but I had to go back for the other tumors in my other breast. I never went.
Walking into the operating room to have cranial surgery. I wasn’t even rolled in. It was cold and big. I was so confused wasn’t sure if I was going to wake up from it.
I felt them rip the tube out of my throat.
“We have to do a bone marrow”. My sister cried for me not to do it because it was too painful. They never did it because they knew I would go back to NY and they would want to do it again. My blood count was at a number where they couldn’t do the bone marrow by the time I hit the doctors office in NY.
What is wrong with me?????
What will they find now????
Can they help me?
When will the pain and agony go away?
The blood was just surfacing to my skin and I thought nothing was going to stop it.
At the hospital I was told “That sounds like a seizure to me, why didn’t your doctor put you in the hospital?” “I thought I was having a stroke, my doctor said I was fine and just to take the antibiotic, why didn’t she send me to the hospital?”
I was dying, literally dying.
Why does my heart ache so much, and why does it still ache?
“You shouldn’t be going through all this… you are only 32”
“Here’s a rx for a breast sono and you HAVE TO get an echo done, I can here the click in your heart, you still have that murmur.”
Is my heart broken?
“I have given you all the pain meds I could give you, it’s time for you to see another doctor there’s nothing else I can do for you.”
“Clinically you are having seizures.”
As the doc held my EEG report in her hands… she looked at me sadly and said. “You are having seizures.”
“There’s nothing else we can do for you, you now have to see an epileptic sp
“The meds are making me lose my hair, my appetite, I feel so angry and aggravated, I’m now soooooooo sensitive, what are these meds doing to me?”
After getting out of the hospital I was on a high dose of treatment to bring my platelet count back up…. It was the most painful treatment. I just wanted to be held while I lay in my bed disabled. I wanted to understand why I always fall into pain. I wanted love.
I fell, and love wasn’t there to hold me.
I punched my back and still the pain took my punches with numbness.
I had to learn to walk again, use my hands again, open my mouth again. I was scared.
I WAS SCARED AND STILL AM!
These are only small fragments that go through my mind every day along with the physical and mental pain. I give love and I guess I expect too much love in return, I’m only human a scared human who doesn’t know if her life will ever change. If her life will get better with her health and broken heart. Will she survive the disaster that lives inside her?
#mylife #istillstad #alone #chalkedup