I Found These Words In My Closet

I hate cleaning in general. The number one reason is because it's cleaning. Secondly, it's because, like this snowed-in weekend while cleaning out one of my many closets, I found things from the past. It's great to find things, but it's not so great to find things that bring back a painful memory. I found some of my brother's things. I would hold it with such care and put it away from all the junk that I found in the closet. Then I found a wallet and in it was my brother's obituary from our neighborhood newspaper, along with his card with his photo from the funeral that I found in my old checkbook holder. I then discovered some papers where I wrote about people who have died and strangely, the deaths were year after year then ended with my brother, which I didn't write. Today would have been his 41st b-day. I just realized at the front desk that today was the 24th, it brought me down. The calendar was in my face and it said

5 THINGS TO BE HAPPY ABOUT
- an award-worthy performance
- crusty dinner rolls
- a word to the wise
- charming front parlors
- the shuffling sound of snowsuits

What happened to, try and smile? And what happened to remember your brother on this day? What happened to he still loves you though he's gone? What happened to those things to be happy about? I'm a mess and it's supposed to be his birthday, and he's not here to celebrate life. Because, he's gone.

I found 7 pages written back and front. It was two different occasions. The first one was titled "All I Have Is Memories". After reading them I called my mom and told her about it and she said it's great that I wrote that and I should keep doing things like that. I told her that I didn't remember any of this until I read it. I wouldn't have been able to tell you this part of my life if I didn't write it down, so here you go.

"All I Have Is Memories"

Since September 17th 1992 everything in life seemed to go downhill. I can remember that day as if were yesterday. I was getting ready to go to school and when I had walked outside, the day seemed silent and gloomy. Everyone's attention was by one of the neighbor's house. Mr. Tony had died. He was a close friend to the family and to all the neighbors. He died in his sleep. Poor Anna, his wife woke up to find him dead. I really can't take deaths well; I can't stop myself from crying hysteric. But before Mr. Tony passed away another good friend of the family passed away. Maria was like a second mom, I had two of them, her and Lucy which was my next door neighbor. I've known Maria since I was 5 years old. I went to school with her oldest son. My mom and his mom always kid around and asked us if he and I liked each other. They wanted us to get married; we were only in elementary school. It's funny, today he doesn't even say hello to me. I was close with his family, but after Maria was diagnosed with Breast Cancer time flew by. Time flew by quickly to her death. I cried so much, she was like a mother to me. It was November 22nd of 1989 when her soul was taken to the stars a day full of tears and emptiness. It wasn't until Sept. of 92' I felt the same way. I could still remember Mr. Tony's sister laying hopelessly over him crying and unable to keep herself away from him. She had fainted a few times. One year later she joined her brother in paradise. After Mr. Tony passed away a domino effect had started. Lucy, she was a perfect woman. I loved her so much, she use to change my diapers. I was like her only daughter. She had 5 boys and no girls. She brought me to the circus and always stood up for me. That Lucy always defended me even if it was my fault. My mom and Lucy always sat in front of my door and folded up laundry. I remember Lucy folding the socks. She was the one who taught me to fold socks! She ran over to my house when she found out I was crying hysteric on the floor from a tooth ache. She tried everything to make the pain go away, but nothing helped. The pain was excruciating so she dragged me out of the house with out hesitation and brought me to the dentist. I came home with 2 less teeth and gores full of blood stuffed in my mouth. Even though the dentist gave me 4 of 2" needles to numb my mouth I felt all of the pain as he pulled (with pliers) my tight teethout. Blood had gone everywhere. I stayed lying in the chair holding on for dear life as I felt it being taken from me.

It was June of 93 when Lucy was in the hospital diagnosed with Cancer. I was watching her dying. It broke my heart to see her in pain. Before she went to the hospital, she had gone to Atlantic City with my mom. They loved going to Atlantic City, they went all the time. I was sitting at the opposite side at the kitchen table from Lucy when she asked my sister to fix her hair. My heart died when I saw her take off her wig. She had no hair left, that's when I knew she wasn't going to be with me long. Not to long after, I found her in a hospital bed slowly dying. Her Cancer had spread to her leg. She was a slim woman, but from being fatally sick, she grew thinner. Her right leg was so skinny and her left leg was three times the size. Her foot was swollen and all discolored as the top of her leg was. She was constantly throwing up in her bedpan. I use to pet her head where there no longer laid any hair and told her everything is going to get better. My sister would cool her face with a wet towel. I told her that I was also in pain. My back was always hurting. I told her that the doctor said I had scoliosis. I thought if I told her I was in pain, she wouldn't be lonely with feeling pain, but hers ofcourse was more painful. I had visited her everyday until the day she died. I had gotten sick from depression. Before she died, on my birthday I had a dream of Lucy. She was about five feet away from me with her hand out to me; she was saying

"Good – Bye Cha Fai Good – Bye."

I told her not to leave, that it wasn't time yet. I begged her "Please stay, don't go, wait a few more days, please." She had listened to me. My cousin Joe got married four days after my dream and then the next day Lucy passed away. She was buried in a dress mymom made for her to wear at her son's wedding. That's how I last remember seeing her in her coffin and that was the last time I got to see her.

Ever since her death my back got worse and I started to get sick. I constantly threw up and felt faint. Then after a while I started to feel better. But as the end of the year came I got sick again. I was sick through out the whole year of 94'. I was constantly at the doctor's. I always felt weak and tired, I never got any sleep. I thought I had an ulcer because I always felt sharp pain and uncomfortable pain in my stomach, which was always followed by throwing up. I've had this cough for the longest time. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I was working in the city now full time. It was hard to make appointments to see the doctor. I had to either make an early appointment before work or a late appointment after work. It would have been great if my doctor had the same schedule. But when I did see my doctor I didn't get any answers. So that's when I decided to go for a second opinion.

In December my cousin Joanne referred me to Dr. Lou. She said she had made an appointment for her and I at 5:00. I had to leave work early that day, my boss wasn't happy. When my cousin's name was called I went with her straight into the doctor's office, then we went into the patient room. I had told him that I've been feeling ill through out the whole year, but I recently one day started to black out. It was before 6:30 in the morning because my alarm hadn't gone off. I was having this weird dream.

I had a dream that I was sleeping in bed and all the clothes I owned were on top of me keeping me trapped under a big pile. I was feeling extremely hot in my dream from the warmth of the clothes lying on top of me. The dream felt so real, that the heat woke me up. I had gotten up and discovered my hair soaking wet. I put my hand under my shirt as I was walking to the bathroom. That's when I felt puddles of sweat in the palm of my hands. It seemed as if I jumped into the shower with my clothes on. I was really dizzy, but I thought I got out of bed to fast and the blood had rushed to my head. I was walking like a drunk. I finally reached the bathroom and sat on the toilet.

I had to hold on to the sink and the toilet paper holder. I felt real dizzy that I thought I was going to fall. I still thought I was dizzy because of getting up really fast, but when I held onto the sink and slowly picking up my heavy head to look in the mirror, I found my face was pale as a ghost. I quickly turned on the faucet and splashed my face with cold water. It didn't help it made everything worse. When I went to look in the mirror again I couldn't see. All I saw was pitch black. I couldn't breathe, my chest started to get sharp pains, my stomach also started to get sharp pains and that's when I started to get an anxiety attack. I was hunching over with my arms spreading out looking for help as if I were a blinded girl. My heart started racing as I cried. I thought I was dying. I found my way out of the bathroom and held on to the end of the wall for dear life. My screams were whispers; I had no strength to talk. I was still blinded by the darkness that came to me in the bathroom. Frightened that I was never going to see again or die had me slowly losing grip at the edge of the wall. I kept saying

"Mah, I'm going to faint, help me."

After repeating myself for the third time, I had no strength to hold on and started to fall. My sister had caught me. She heard my soft cry for help. If she wasn't there to catch me I would have fell and hit my head and knocked myself out. I was so weak that she dragged me into my bed as If I were a dead body. My body was numb and my foot kept hitting everything that was in the way. I was having an outer body experience as I watched my sister drag me into my room. My sister throws me on the bed and says,

"It's because you don't know how to eat right."

She is totally wrong. She thinks I'm an anorexic. Which I am not! I'm just a thin person who can eat a lot and not gain weight!

My sister left me lying there as she left the room to go upstairs to smoke a cigarette. As I laid there alone in a fetal position, the pain got worse. First the sharp pain in my stomach took the wind right out of me. I couldn't breath, my chest felt as if it was caving in. I no longer felt my heart and my back gave me pain as if it were broke in two. Punching my back trying to help the pain go away didn't help. That's because I didn't feel the punches, my whole body was numb. I've never felt pain like this before. I really thought I was going to die! Slowly the pain started to ease. A half hour later I could finally move. I sat up on my bed and waited for my head to stop spinning. As I got up to walk upstairs I found the spinning never went away. As I finally approached the top of the stairs I dragged my feet on the floor to the refrigerator door. I reached for the Brita water and held it with my two hands. I was going to drop it, it was too heavy fro me. I told my sister to help me. She picked it up and poured a glass of water for me. She even gave me a bowl of cereal with milk.

She said, "Eat this! Will ya?"

She was pissed off. Don't ask why. My youngest brother woke up and came up to the kitchen. (Our bedrooms are in the basement) I had asked my sister to feel my head to see if it was hot. Then I told my brother to get me a thermometer upstairs by my sister in law. My brother and his wife lived upstairs on the second floor; it was a two family house. He came rushing down the stairs and handed it to me. I had over a 102 fever. I think it was 104.

After reading this I then I found the last two pages to be this letter.

My niece Eryn is a remarkable child. I always tell everybody that she's my life. She's permanently attached to my back. She rides upon my back and puts her small arms around my neck. As a joke when I tell her to hold on tight, she strangles me. Her long legs are gripped around my waist as she laughs her heart away. She is a smart four year old who has my heart going wild. My mother was telling me a story about Eryn, it was the cutest thing.

Eryn would pick up the phone and have a conversation with her imaginary person, she had many. When she hung up, she picked up the phone to talk to someone else. This someone else is very special and he wasn't an imaginary person.

She said, "Hello, Martino… where are you?... Oh!... You're there? In the sky?... What are you doing?... And what is your friend angel doing?... OK… Bye Bye."

My mother sitting on the futon couch began to cry hysteric. Eryn joined her and put her arm around my mother and said, "I miss Martino, I miss Martino!"

Just the other night I was upstairs by my niece, my sister in law and I were watching television. Eryn came out of her room and told us,
"I want wings like Martino, so I can fly with Martino."

Looking at this precious child with my elbow on my knee and my chin cupped in the palm of my hand, I felt the urge to cry. I shifted my head and looked at my sister in law and smiled, I held the tears, but they were shedding inside. Eryn claims that Martino is in her closet and he has wings, she had told us that she seen him all the time, but she never mentioned the wings before. Martino must have just received his wings recently.

After reading these pages, I thought to myself that I was happy that I had written that part of my life, but at the same time hurting. I didn't remember any of it till I read it, it took me back and now those memories are back in my heart. That is why I think blogging is so important, I can always look back and remember my life.