Suffocating

I found anger. I found it living deep inside me. Anger built from no one understanding and not listening to me. I just want to cry because that is what it feels like inside me. An ocean of cries and me being drowned in it. What is it that is so different about me that no one can get? Why do I have to repeat and not finish my sentences? Why am I loved so much? Why do I have answers for everyone else and nothing for myself? I’ve been fooled. I’ve been fooled by my own self. I thought I was strong. On the contrary I’m not and far from it. I have to stop! I just smudged the word strong. Today, I’ve had an even now I’m enduring pain in my ovaries. Why am I cramping? I shouldn’t. I don’t have my period and haven’t for over 3 years. Is it the birth control pills I swallow every single living morning fucking with me? Is it that? Making me feel the way I do? Is that what has been prescribed to me to blind me from my strength? A man across from me watches me as I write in my black paged book. Why? Can he see? See what’s really going on in me? Can anyone see it? I live each day as it comes to me. I’m going on with my life.

Is it really the death of my brother of ten years that is ruling my life? Is it true that I did not grieve properly? I thought I did. Why is it so wrong for it to still hurt? Why does pain make time stand still? Am I really an undiagnosed Posttraumatic Stress victim? I don’t know. Is that what it is? How do I throw away all the negativity that has been glued on me? Why must evil hover over me? All I’m surrounded by are the dead. I was told death walks with me. What is grieving, really? Yes, everyone has their own way, but what is it really? The curse of no love and no money. The life I’ve lived and will live till I… till I what? I don’t know. Where’s the happiness? I know it’s in here somewhere. I can feel it, but this anger, emptiness, pain and loneliness has conquered over it. I need to dig it out, buried under all that. Do I honestly need to see a therapist who will tell me the same thing I would tell myself? I’ve had much practice at it. Being the therapist. Is that what my career is supposed to be? What happened to my music? Its swims in my veins. It’s taking to long to happen. Will it ever? It brings me down.

How to get butterflies to flee inside me for a man that I can never be with! He’s gone on. I’m slowly. There are days when I’ve let go completely, but then some stupid memory flashes in my mind and my heart starts to flutter. How do you erase someone? But that’s just another thing put on my over filled plate. It’s wobbling and I have to control it. I was thinking, that maybe I just need to go away somewhere alone. Go somewhere where everyone is a stranger to me. Faces I’ve never seen ever. You know, find the woman, the little girl that I lost long ago. I can try and find them among the other lost strangers.

I’m standing here now on the train engulfed into the corner. I feel hidden amongst this over crowded train with people who are going to work. What is wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? I don’t know, I thought this is what normal was, nothing wrong with being normal, right? I put on my new contacts this morning. I can see clear now. I’m hoping it’s time now, for me to see things clearer, distinguishing all these faults that make me me. Dissecting them and get rid of all the crap that doesn’t belong and sew it back up and make the brand new me. The me that’s meant to be here. I’m exhausted from being tired. It’s weakened my soul.

My childhood isn’t so much of a memory. I don’t remember the hanger that went through my pinkie. I don’t remember going to Europe at 4 years old. I don’t remember falling on a suit case buckle and being rushed to the hospital. The doctor told my mother that I was very close in damaging my uterus. It went inside me. Shouldn’t I remember something like that? A child bleeding in pain from her private part. I don’t. I don’t remember always cracking jokes and swirling around singing. When I saw the video I couldn’t believe it was me.

I had said “Wow, I guess I never changed.”

I don’t remember any birthday cakes as a child. I found out that I used to take my shirt off and do karate chops and that I always did it. The photograph was evidence. I don’t remember a lot of things, but I do remember those things because my mom told me when I was an adult all about it. I hardly remember elementary school, lucky enough to remember JR HIGH, but I do remember hitting a home run. The ball went over the fence. I remember almost breaking my knee in gym class in JR HIGH. I was on first (Kickball), I went to steal second and when the girl kicked the ball, it found its way to my feet and I did a somersault. I landed on my left knee. I remember hearing a big loud bang and my gym teacher coming over to me telling everyone to step away.

“Are you ok?”

I thought I was fine until I had to get up. She put me in her office and put ice on it. I remember that.

And here I am, suffocating under a pillow of questions. My life is the way it is, not only because of how my brothers death affected me nor is it the sleepless nights, nor the feeling buried in me for the man who’s not for me. It’s not only all the love that everyone gives me. It’s not only me not being fully satisfied at my job nor my music not being heard the way I want it to be, to be that singer hidden away in the closet. It’s all in one.