The Trend Has Not Faded

It’s been a while since I have written. I haven’t even gone back to see what I have written last. So here goes nothing. As I sit here on hold with the Gramercy MRI place to see if they have a cancellation for my breast biopsy I thought “let me start writing.” I’ve been through a lot this year. Last December I had lost my aunt to Cancer. I always hated that time of year and never really liked celebrating New Year’s Eve. Thirteen years ago my brother Martino and his girlfriend had spent Christmas with us. I’ll never forget how he announced his other gift he had for her. “And we’re going to Mexico!!!” He said it with a huge smile on his face, she jumped up and latched onto him. I swear it looked like a child just jumped up on her dad for buying her a pony. They were both so happy and it made me happy. It was a great feeling to see Martino happy again. New Year’s Eve came and well it was the first time I didn’t spend it with my family. Martino didn’t spend it with the family either. The clock struck midnight and the confetti was everywhere. I was ecstatic. I’ve never been to a party like this before, so many people I didn’t know, strangers where surrounding me, but we were all happy to be there together. I ran to the pay phone and called home, my mother just told me that Martino just called to wish her a HAPPY NEW YEAR. Much did we know our new year was not going to be happy, but broken. Martino and his girlfriend went to Mexico and I went to work in the cold blizzard. I think it was the day or day before Martino was to come home from Mexico, when I received a call at work that I needed to go home. January 16th, will never escape me. Martino had a major heart attack and his soul left his shelter. He was gone and till today, no matter what anyone says I will NEVER GET OVER MISSING MY BROTHER!! He’s gone and my heart is broken. It’s something that can never be mended. So you see, this time of year is not a great one for me. Years have passed and it just never seemed to get better. I can not go through the years, there’s to much to write. Last year 2006, I said to myself… “This year I will not cry into 2007, 2007 will be the year, it will be the year when everything will start getting better!!” Well, December of 2006 put a damn damper on that. My aunt had passed away from Cancer and everything just seemed to be feeling a bit familiar. The feeling of loss and sorrow, the feeling of my brother’s death anniversary coming up while I’m still mourning for my aunt. My heart started to break even more. I wondered if anything was ever going to be good this year, but then I told myself it will get better, it has too.

It’s the end of January 2007 and I find out that I have a mass growing inside my head, right underneath my brain. I’m told that I can have a stroke or an aneurysm. So right away I look into specialist to get it removed. My sister goes into 10 hour surgery in May, she had a tumor on her spinal cord, and we didn’t know if she was going to be paralyzed or even make it out of surgery. She came out, but didn’t have such a smooth recovery; she is now disabled and numb on her right side. She is now trying to get disability and well let’s just say they are giving her the run around. It was either the middle or end of May or probably even before that, my father was diagnosed with bladder Cancer. The doctors were treating him for months for a bladder infection and finally they realized it was Cancer. He had tumors on his bladder. What else could go wrong? What else can break what is left of this heart of mine? I had to be strong, I had to be strong for them and for me. I was going back and forth to so many doctors for myself. I was walking around with the thought of the mass in my head, thinking why me? I was so sick from this mass and then on top of that, the ailment of my family put a toll on my weakened body. I finally found a doctor. I had major surgery in June, they opened my head up and removed a piece of my skull to get to this nasty mass. Eighteen staples and gruesome pain later, I thought I was going to die. Honestly, I kept it to myself as I laid there in ICU. I didn’t want to scare anyone; I didn’t want to say it, because I thought if I did, it would happen. I thought I was going to die. The pain killers didn’t do a thing and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t see, and I was deaf in my right ear. The pain was excruciating, inexplicable. I laid there thinking it was my time to go; I didn’t want to go like this. I didn’t want to go in pain so I kept asking my brother Martino to help me. I had seen him while I was in ICU. I had seen him standing in the door way, strange thing though, he was a lot younger, I knew then he was there to watch over me and to protect me, that no matter how much pain I was in, he was there for me.

It’s obvious I’m now off the phone with the MRI place. About 3 months ago I had gone to my gyno because let’s just say something wasn’t right. I had to find another gyno because my gyno didn’t take my insurance anymore. I went back to one of the gyno’s who did one of my surgeries. She examined me, the whole nine yards. She gave me a breast exam and found lumps, so here I am now, 3 nodules later waiting for a cancellation so I can get my biopsy done before my appointment on the 17th. What a grand year huh?? The trend has not faded.