81 and BLIND!

My nerves are shot right now, my insides are shaking and my stomach is twisted. The jerking of an outburst of tears wants to come out of me, but I’m holding it back. I feel like vomiting, but I’m holding that back too. I can’t even think straight and it’s making me sweat.

My little dilemma, an old coworker has spoken the world of me to his company to hire me for a position that might become available, but it will most likely be available. He was my boss` boss. It was great that he thought of me for this position, the thing is, it’s totally in a different environment, different industry that I want to be in.

Just the other day I applied to an open position in an industry that I want to be in. I even know some people at this company. I emailed a friend there to give her the heads up and put in a good word for me. I even know the president of the company, but it’s not like I can shoot him an e-mail nor a phone call and say

“Hey I applied for a job there, and was wondering if you can tell them to hire me.”

I wish it was that easy. So I was suppose to go there today to have lunch with another friend who works there. From that point I was going to make my rounds on saying hello to everyone I know there and well hope that I could apply for some other possible openings at the company. I was also hoping that the department I applied for would be someone who I know. I didn’t get a chance to go today, because my Aunt and Uncle from Rome are here visiting and I lent them my car for a few days, but they bring me to their friend’s house as a guest.

My Aunt and Uncle picked me up around 11:30am today to go have lunch by their friends who live in my neighborhood. Yes that is correct I own this neighborhood. Around four something I had a call on my cell phone with a number I did not recognize. Petrified I didn’t pick it up, because it could have been someone calling for a job opportunity and I wasn’t in the right place to talk. I was staring down at my phone waiting for my voicemail ring to go off. It did. I hit ok and went to voicemail. It was indeed for a job. It was my old boss` boss, who I guess you can say was my boss. He left his cell and work number, just in case, to give him a call tomorrow at work if I couldn’t call him today on his cell. He was on his way back from a business trip. The man called me on his ride home. OH GOODNESS! I didn’t think he was going to call me this soon. I thought he would maybe have called in mid August when he said he would be back from vacation, but he also did say that he might want me to come in before he goes away to meet the president and other people. I know he’s doing this for me, but my thoughts are going all over the place. This job was supposed to be my last resort not my first option. I can’t dick this guy over either. So then I applied, just the other day for this other job of where I really want to be, where I feel I belong. Thing is I don’t know if I’ll even get an interview. So I’m all-nervous now, because what if I go tomorrow and it’s not a hit. I go and don’t get to see anyone because they are too busy to talk to me. They haven’t called me yet for an interview, but this other company from a different industry is highly interested in me. I’m scared to lose an opportunity with where I really want to be, if I take this other job. It’s still early for them to call me for an interview I guess, but I need to know even if I have a chance before this other company gives me an offer. So my nerves are just shot!

I woke up this morning thinking of how to tell my Uncle how I didn’t get much sleep and well I just didn’t feel like going with them to their friend’s house. 10:33am my phone rings and it’s my Aunt.

“Alzatte! Alzatte! Alzatte! Alzatte!” Translation… GET UP! GET UP! GET UP! GET UP!

In Italian she told me how they were already on the road and going to the bank first and will start coming my way after that.

I felt so bad to say no. I mean who knows when I’ll see them again; they live in Rome for goodness sake and let me tell you, I am glad I did go.

I sat in the passenger seat in my own car as my Uncle drove. We stopped at a bakery and picked up some pastries. We get to the house and my Uncle pulls into the driveway. I had asked if they were sure if it was the correct house. They were sure.

We walked to the back of the house and the garden caught my eye. So many pretty flowers, basil, tomatoes, even squash and more. I really want to hook up my garden, but I need someone to start it off for me, you know turn over the soil. Too much work for me. Giuseppina opened the door and greeted my Aunt then me and then my Uncle. Once we got into the house I noticed the wheel chair at the kitchen table. Giuseppina said she was going to get her husband from his nap that he was relaxing. I knew right there it was his wheel chair. My Uncle then told me that the man Toto was blind. Out comes Giuseppina and Toto from the corridor right out side the kitchen. He could barely walk. He’s an 81 year old man, and I watched this man suffer. My Uncle grabbed Toto’s hand as Giuseppina lead Toto’s hand to his. They embraced and you can feel the love that shined from it. Toto kept kissing my Uncle’s face and wouldn’t let go. My uncle said…

“Ti ho trovato.” Translation…I’ve come to find you. It’s the Italian way of saying hey I’ve come to visit you. There’s so much more meaning and emotions in Italian.

Toto started to cry. I watched him cry as my heart fell apart. He cries out to my Uncle

“E tu mi trovato cosi.” Translation… And you’ve found me like this. Meaning BLIND!

I just wanted to cry, my heart was torn into pieces and brought me such sorrow. Toto finally greets my Aunt and oh well it just got worse. This poor man lost his sight from Diabetes. Three years ago he started to lose his sight, my Aunt and Uncle haven’t seen him for 2 years and well came back to America to find him completely BLIND. I didn’t even know the man and I felt all his pain and wanted to heal him. How could I? I don’t have the power. He finally sat down and my Uncle never let go of his hand. (COMFORT) can you see how different European men are from Americans? Very emotional and caring. My father freaking cried to Pretty Woman when Richard came back to her at the end of the movie. I didn’t even cry! They introduced me to him. I grabbed his right hand and held on to it tight, I squeezed his hand to show him that I cared. I rubbed my thumb over his hand to let him know that my heart is full of love and like I said I care. That I’m a sincere person and I can feel his pain. I was introduced as my Aunt and Uncle’s sister of the nephew who died and that I sang at the church funeral. It was weird to be introduced that way, that the only recognition these people would have of me is my brother’s funeral. My heart sank again.

They told stories and I sat and listened and put in my two cents. Great stories, I would be here all day telling you them. Maybe one day I will. We ate lunch, a feast I should say. My belly was full. It was almost four o’clock and Giuseppina had to pick up her granddaughter at pre-school. My Aunt and I went for the ride. That’s when I got that call. I didn’t answer and then listened to my message. We pick up Chiara and she can’t stop staring at me from outside the car. My Aunt gets out of the car and greets her and asked if the little girl remembered her. She didn’t. She sat in the back seat, and I quickly became her friend. Kids love me. They are so innocent and they can sense things, she felt comfortable with me as soon as she sat next to me. We looked at all her work she did for the day and she explained to me all the things they were. We get home and she gives my Uncle a great big hug and kiss. She was then told to give her grandfather Toto a hug and kiss. As I watched her go around the table Toto had his arms out where she was just standing and asked her for a hug. He didn’t even know that she had moved from there to go around the table to hug him. It was so sad. He called her his precious child. She brings him so much joy.

Chiara sat next to me and ate her pasta with sauce, she would slurp it and sauce would go all over her face. It was a Kodak moment so I took my Uncle’s camera and took a shot. It came out awesome. After she finished she wanted me to color with her. After Chiara gave her grandfather a hug and kiss a minute passed and he asked where I had went, asked if I left. They all said no that I was right here. I was right there, I just wanted to cry. I was sitting about 5 feet away from him. He said he didn’t know because he didn’t hear my voice. I watched him the entire time and felt all the pain. When we were eating his wife had asked him if he wanted some food that was on the table and he said

“Che voglio io non c’e.” translation… what I want isn’t here, another way of saying it is, what I want there isn’t any. Meaning his sight. He made a few comments about how he wanted his sight back. You can see the agony in his face, the cloud that covered his eyes. If I can only put my hands on him and he could see, if I could give my sight to him for a day and get it back I would. For him to see his granddaughter, his children, his wife, his family and friends, for him to see my Aunt and Uncle that he hasn’t seen in two years. I would have.

I didn’t get to finish coloring because my Uncle wanted to leave, he didn’t want to hit traffic. He had to get on an expressway to go back to where he was staying. Chiara had put a sticker on my shirt and then I picked one out and put it on her lapel of her shirt. We became best friends. She really liked me, she even put her foot on my leg while she was coloring. I told her I had to go, and she was sad,

“You’re leaving me?”

“Yes, Chiara, I’m sorry I have to go, maybe I can come by at another time.”

I had asked my Aunt if she was going to come back before she goes back to Rome. She isn’t. I felt so bad. I said my goodbyes to Giuseppina with an embrace and kiss on the cheek. Told her it was a pleasure to meet her and thanked her for hospitality. She hugged me and said the same and said

“Tu sei simpatica.” Translation…you are sweet, kind, sincere, loving.


I thanked her and gave her another hug.

Toto was in his wheel chair and I had bent over and grabbed both his hands and gave him a hug and told him it was me. He grabbed me and gave me kisses on my neck and that’s only because of the way I was bending over, he finally found my face and kissed me on my cheek telling me that he really loved meeting me and to come back for them to see me, come around for a cup of coffee. I then kissed him back on his cheek. I agreed and thanked him as I walked away with a broken heart wishing that one day in some miraculous way he could get his sight back. He couldn’t see me, he didn’t know me, but he felt it in his heart to invite me over again.
As I watched him the entire time, I zoned out of some of their conversation and tried to close my eyes and live in his world. I looked at the table cloth and traced the colorful flowers and wondered if he could ever see this ever again. If he remembers colors, if he remembers how his family looks. If he can just remember. If he can escape being BLIND!!