Update
So my mamma's results came back, she came up negative for the worst case of lupus, but positive for lupus, still don't know what kind but she has it. My roommate said he was going to be home but he never came home. So he's leaving supposedly, Friday, which in my eyes he's already gone because he's been sleeping at his new place and all his stuff has been gone since Monday. What ever! I got my bonus and it's going straight to my parents so they can pay my car insurance, it's under my father's name. I feel like royal shit, this strike is wearing me out. I walked for 45 minutes yesterday to get to my friend Ann's car to get a ride home. Not fun in the cold, immune system not good. Don't be surprised if I blog later on how sick I am. Christmas is almost here and being an atheist I'm going to go give support to my family. Go there and be with them. That's how I see it, a night of getting together and eating a lot of food. Mia is looking into her bedroom furniture and she'll be moving in soon. We're planning a New Year's Eve party at our place and well I'll let you know how that goes. This time of year saddens me. It reminds me of my brother Martino who passed away 11 years in January and of course January is a hard month for me too. 1994 Christmas was the last Christmas we had together, when he surprised his girlfriend and all of us that he was taking her to Mexico. She jumped on him like a little girl as the excitement sparked out of her. Much did we all know it was not a great trip. He left January 10th I think, and died there on January 16th, he never came home. He died 8 days before his 31st birthday. Well now typing this hurts my heart and the emptiness seem so much deeper. New Year's Eve in 1994 was the first time I didn't get to spend with my family, my brother had his girlfriend and well spent it with her and not the family again a first. 16 days later he died. I hate this time of year!!!
posted by CiaFai @ December 22, 2005
4 Comments:
As much as I know nothing will change how you feel, try to find some comfort in that fact that besides your family, you have a lot of close friends that really love you and watch out for you.
Just know I'm always hear to listen. And I'm sure the rest of the gang is too. See you on New Years! Maybe sooner! It'll be fun!
Mr. Around the Corner
this time of the year tends to bring out such great memories as well as so many painful ones of those we have lost.
I hope 2006 brings you and your family all the best. It was a pleasure meeting you in 2005 and I look forward to getting to know you better through your blog and our chats.
Cheers!
I'm sorry to hear about the things going on with your mom and sister. I know that your brother's passing was the reason or one of the reasons you are an atheist. But it's been the opposite for me. I went to see a clairvoyant. She saw him clutching his chest. She said he likes to sit on the edge of my bed sometimes and that he had an amazing sense of humor. I told her how he sent me an Angel the night he died and she started to cry. I had already gone thru a box of Kleenex. She said I would have a son and he would have some kind of connection to Martino-that he would even look like him. I didn't tell her that I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would name him Gabriel, after the Angel he sent me. She gave me the names of 2 psychics on Long Island that deal strictly with the dead. She said they are just as good, if not better than John Edward. I haven't decided if I want to go yet but I'll give you the numbers if you want.
I often think of where my life would be if he had lived. I feel guilty that I got to share in his last week of life. He should have been with all of you. Then I think things had to go the way they did.I'm happy he was with me-that it didn't happen while he was at work or at home alone. Every January I sit down and try to watch the movie we made in Mexico and I never get thru the whole thing. I know you're angry at God but I believe there is purpose to everything that happens to us in this life. Our reward is being in heaven with the ones that we love for all eternity. He was too good for this world and those of us left behind must remember all that he was and try to live the way he lived. He died 9 months to the day I met him. I believe that number is significant. 9 months is also the time it takes for a child to be born; something to do with birth and death-I believe there's a connection. There's a Garth Brooks song that says how I feel:
Lookin' back,
On the memory of
The dance we shared,
Neath the stars above
For a moment,
All the world was right
How could I have known,
That you'd ever say goodbye?
And now,
I'm glad I didn't know
The way It all would end
The way It all would go
Our lives,
Are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain,
But I'da had to miss the dance.
Holding you,
I held everything
For a moment,
Wasn't I a king?
But If I'd only known,
How the king would fall
Hey who's to say,
You know I might have changed it all
And now,
I'm glad I didn't know
The way It all would end
The way It all would go
Our lives,
Are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain,
But I'da had to miss the dance
It's my life,
It's better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'da had to miss,
The dance
CaiFai, you are a beautiful person. Martino will always be with you and he would not want you to carry this heaviness in your heart.
I count myself lucky to have known him. I don't know if you get to pick who to hang out with in heaven, but Tommy knows he's got to find his own cloud. He knows where I'll be.
**Martino's girl
Martino's Girl, I love you more than you even know it. When you came into Martino's life you came into our family's life too. Like you said, I'm happy that he passed with you rather than work or somewhere by himself. He was truly happy in the video and he was in awe of Mexico and extremely in love with you. Though I really rather his life than him gone, I know that he is watching over all of us and it will always hurt that he's gone, but that's a pain that will never rid. I keep the memories and him in my heart and in everything I do everyday. I also saw a psychic once a while back and didn't know she was clairvoyant until the very end of my reading, she did see Martino and told me the very same thing you just shared. She gestered her arm out and grabbed her chest, that was when I started to cry and knew she was talking to Martino. Too bad, it was the end of my reading, which till this day I still say I'm going to call her and have a clairvoyant party and actually get to have a clairvoyant moment rather a card reading. You should come, I miss you in general! Martino is an angel and is out there helping people I know that because he went to my cousin while she was sick in bed. An angel to me is nothing religous but a soul that is pure and good that lives here on earth and when they die it's their shell that dies and their soul goes on living and that Martno's girl is all that Martino was,an ANGEL and will always be. He's just an angel watching over us though we can't see him with our bare eyes, but can def. feel him. Martino came to me long ago and always comes into my dreams giving me messages. I just wake up feeling empty, but know he still loves me and is there.
CiaFai
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