The Empty Day(January 16th) - I Tried

It's the day after the empty day. I tried to ignore the yesterday but thought I would be mad the next day because I did ignore the empty day. I tried to go on with the day without shedding a tear. I succeeded until...

I felt sick. Though I tried to fool my mind I didn't fool my inner soul, my body. It was worn. Tearing apart as I tried to ignore it all. Inside knew what the empty day was and reacted. I decided to go over Drea's that way I wouldn't be alone and let my inner soul overpower my mind. We orded Chinese food, which I rarely do. We ate, watched 24 and a bit of the golden globes. CSI Miami came on and we watched. I finally left around 11:30. I entered my apartment feeling lost. I took my layers off and put them on the chair in the living room. I started to feel it, my guard went down I couldn't try anymore. It was time. Time to let it out. I looked at my cat and she looked right into me. She saw my pain. I picked her up and hugged her. I looked in the mirror in front of us and watched my tears bathe my face. I sat on my bed and it started with a light headed feeling and my chest caved in, my right arm was limp next to me. It seemed as if I was having an outer body experience. It was like I was watching myself from above me. I sat there and had my mournful cries. I was weak and finally made it inside my bed. I just laid there with no sleep. I swear I really tried to not hurt so much on that empty day. I lit a candle (a tea light) earlier. Put it in a heart shaped silver candleholder. That was when Drea called and told me to come over. I didn't want to blow out his candle that was lit by his pictures with a piece if his eucalyptus and when he was alive he had those little silver cubes with all the initials of his name. It was all there. I didn’t want to disturb it, but I couldn't leave with it burning. I blew really hard and it didn't want to extinguish. I tried six times and still there it was lit. I called Drea and asked if she wanted to come to my place instead. I told her what happened, she really wanted to stay home. So I made another attempt to extinguish the tea light. Drea heard the loud and powerful blow. It didn't work. So I said it allowed that it doesn't want to shut off. I took a second deep breath and finally it went out.

Emotions

I'm an emotional basket case, I cry at the drop of a damn dime. Who came up with that saying anyway, minus the damn? On my computer monitor at work, I have that card you get when you go to a wake. It's my brother Martino's card and his picture is on it. Obviously he still looks the same as he did 11 years ago and it kills me every time I glance over to it. Eleven years gone so quickly and the pain feels the same. I'm certified depressed, I diagnosed it myself. I know I get this way this time of year all the time so I know it will get better. I will not take that card down. I'm not punishing myself, you might think I am, but I just can't take the pain here at work. He has always been there on my monitor and that's where it's going to stay. I was going to take the 16th as a personal day, but then I thought to go to the cemetery the day before which is a Sunday, now I'm not sure if I can handle being at work on his anniversary.

I feel neglected, I feel so alone right now. I even cry when my cat doesn't want to be bothered with me. She doesn't even want to sleep on my bed with me anymore, and that my friend, hurts me... especially right now. She found her way up on the entertainment cabinets my brother Martino built. On the very top of one of them is his pillow. I know this will sound morbid, but when he passed away, the coffin was a little to small for him. So at the final wake when they had to close the coffin, they had to take his pillow out in order for him to fit in his coffin. I'm sorry I need a break.

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I don't know how it ended up in my apartment but it did. So I put it up on his work. He built those cabinets right before he died, he built it for his new apartment, which he obviously didn't get to stay there long. Back to my cat... our New Year's Eve party was a blast, we had my friend dj the party and he was set up by the cabinets. He had his turn tables in a case, which is called a coffin, how coincidental. He had that on top of a table and when the equipment was closed my cat would jump on the table and then jump on the coffin and then jump all the way on top of the furniture. She would walk her way over to the pillow and stay there. She was attached to it. She was so mellow on that pillow. Ever since then, the table and equipment have been gone, but she found her way back up there from jumping on one of the chairs that replaced the equipment, she jumps more than five feet to get there. All she does now is go up there and stay on that pillow, she hardly comes down and when she does she doesn't even want to really stay with me, she wants to be left alone. Again, emotional basket case here starts to cry. I tried getting her down last night. I stood on the arm of the chair and tried grabbing her. I finally got her and when I lowered her down she grabbed on to that furniture and leaped back up there like a crazy cat. I don't get it, and the weird thing is that she use to go up there a while back and she has never been like this, I mean she was attached before to that pillow, but not like this. I think she might feel what is going on. That my brother's anniversary is coming up and when I look at that pillow she probably knows that I feel that it is a part of my brother and she wants to be close to that. Maybe I'm crazy...maybe it's my emotions speaking, but how else am I suppose to tell you how I feel?

Leaving And Now Going

New Year's Eve. My new roommate Mia and I had a house party along with our friend Sherry. It was a great party. I cried my eyes out, because I'm that emotional chick. Really it's only because I miss my family and especially my brother Martino. It's that really hard time of year for me and all the way into January as I had blogged about before.

I think the midget broke my back. What midget you say... the midget we had that bartended our New Year's Eve party. He was dancing on the dance floor a.k.a. living room, and he told me to hold him really tight. So I did, he grabbed my legs and held me like a baby, and DROPPED ME. He lost his balance. I fell hard on my back. OUCH!! I laughed so hard and wondered if the pain was ever going to go away. News update, it still hurts. He fell on top of me, but I didn't notice because I was in too much pain. He got drunk and well was making only Malibu drinks all night, I don't think he knew how to make drinks. He was very entertaining. He got his short self drunk and well started to dance with everyone and jumped on the couch and gave a guy a lap dance. I've got it all on video.

Christmas eve I went shopping, I had to because I didn't have time and then the strike held me back from shopping. I went out to Long Island and called my mom to wish her a Merry Xmas Eve, though I don't celebrate I wished them a happy one. My parents really don't celebrate either, but they give gifts to my niece, my sister's daughter. My parents don't even put up a tree. Ever since my brother died they haven't celebrated. It was the last holiday they spent with him and well I completely understand why they don't put a tree up anymore nor really celebrate the way we use to. The big dinner, the tree all decorated, gifts bombarding the tree and family comes over and we have a great time, that all ended 11 years ago this January when Martino died.

My mother picked up and we talked. I was in Mia's sister's car that she borrowed. My mother told me about my niece Angelique, Martino's daughter, that she called the house to wish her and her mother a Merry Xmas. My sister in law told my mother that her parents came over and attacked her (I'm thinking verbally) they wanted to take her children away from her. I don't know why they don't speak anymore but they don't. My mother then tells me that someone went to the house and checked out my sister in law's house. Then she got a call or a letter in the mail for a court date. Someone called either child services or something like that on her and now I don't know what will happen. The person had said she had a nice home, but my mother thinks the person was just saying that to throw my sister in law off. You know being sneaky. I told my mother I would call her, because I was planning on calling her to wish her a Merry one anyway. I hung up and tried to keep my composure. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I started to cry and Mia and my friend Jesse asked me what was wrong. I told them that my niece might be taken away from her mother. She doesn't have Martino and now they are going to take her away from her mother. She's been through so much this little girl. I was afraid and still don't know what will happen. I've called and haven't received a call back. Like always my Holidays suck and bring me pain. My sister in law thinks it was either her parents or her brother who called these people to take her kids away. Well that's what my mother told me.

New Year's Eve, I was getting myself ready to do things around the house for the party. My sister calls me. She never calls really.
She said " I have news."
I asked if it was bad or good.
She said "What do you think?"
I said "Bad"
She told me about my aunt and how she's in the hospital. My aunt who is the healer, people might not believe in them but she is a healer. She lives in Rome, but she lived here for 13 years and I grew up with her in my life. Her job is to heal people, she puts her hands on the ill and finds what is wrong and then heals them with her hands, something like reike. She wasn't feeling well and they took xrays... they found a spot on her lungs... it's cancer. A part of me died. I started to cry and flip the fuck out. She can't die, not now. They don't know how bad it is. The woman who heals others is stricken with lung cancer and can't heal herself tell me where that is fair? Again my Holidays filled with pain.

I still had the party, I wasn't going to let that let me down. I had a good time and when the clock struck midnight I cried like a baby. Missing everyone and feeling the pain all over again. I thought of my brother, my parents, my other brothers and my sister and my niece and my aunt, I felt emptiness and sadness overwhelm me. Then I cried because I was so happy to be with all those around me. I was an emotional basket case. So as I was leaving 2005 I am now going to 2006 hoping for a less painful life.