Emotions

I'm an emotional basket case, I cry at the drop of a damn dime. Who came up with that saying anyway, minus the damn? On my computer monitor at work, I have that card you get when you go to a wake. It's my brother Martino's card and his picture is on it. Obviously he still looks the same as he did 11 years ago and it kills me every time I glance over to it. Eleven years gone so quickly and the pain feels the same. I'm certified depressed, I diagnosed it myself. I know I get this way this time of year all the time so I know it will get better. I will not take that card down. I'm not punishing myself, you might think I am, but I just can't take the pain here at work. He has always been there on my monitor and that's where it's going to stay. I was going to take the 16th as a personal day, but then I thought to go to the cemetery the day before which is a Sunday, now I'm not sure if I can handle being at work on his anniversary.

I feel neglected, I feel so alone right now. I even cry when my cat doesn't want to be bothered with me. She doesn't even want to sleep on my bed with me anymore, and that my friend, hurts me... especially right now. She found her way up on the entertainment cabinets my brother Martino built. On the very top of one of them is his pillow. I know this will sound morbid, but when he passed away, the coffin was a little to small for him. So at the final wake when they had to close the coffin, they had to take his pillow out in order for him to fit in his coffin. I'm sorry I need a break.

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I don't know how it ended up in my apartment but it did. So I put it up on his work. He built those cabinets right before he died, he built it for his new apartment, which he obviously didn't get to stay there long. Back to my cat... our New Year's Eve party was a blast, we had my friend dj the party and he was set up by the cabinets. He had his turn tables in a case, which is called a coffin, how coincidental. He had that on top of a table and when the equipment was closed my cat would jump on the table and then jump on the coffin and then jump all the way on top of the furniture. She would walk her way over to the pillow and stay there. She was attached to it. She was so mellow on that pillow. Ever since then, the table and equipment have been gone, but she found her way back up there from jumping on one of the chairs that replaced the equipment, she jumps more than five feet to get there. All she does now is go up there and stay on that pillow, she hardly comes down and when she does she doesn't even want to really stay with me, she wants to be left alone. Again, emotional basket case here starts to cry. I tried getting her down last night. I stood on the arm of the chair and tried grabbing her. I finally got her and when I lowered her down she grabbed on to that furniture and leaped back up there like a crazy cat. I don't get it, and the weird thing is that she use to go up there a while back and she has never been like this, I mean she was attached before to that pillow, but not like this. I think she might feel what is going on. That my brother's anniversary is coming up and when I look at that pillow she probably knows that I feel that it is a part of my brother and she wants to be close to that. Maybe I'm crazy...maybe it's my emotions speaking, but how else am I suppose to tell you how I feel?