Is It Or NOT???

I had another percocet last night. I’ve been taking them since Monday night. This time I’m only taking one and not two like I normally do. They mess up my stomach. I only started to take it Monday because of the biopsy. I was afraid to have my breast touch my bed and find myself flying mid air from bouncing of my bed in pain. Then I thought to stop taking them. I ended up falling yesterday morning on my way to work. My heal got caught in the cuff of my pants and I went flying. I had a huge bag in my left hand as my purse was on my shoulder and my mittens were held in my right hand. I had no control and landed hard on the concrete. I took my time to turn over to look at my knees. No holes in my pants, what a relief. I looked at my inner left palm and saw blood and a nasty little hole. I brushed it off and then licked it clean, I know gross but I had to. So I took another percocet last night not only for my boob but my left wrist, it was killing me, I think I twisted it pretty good, only because I was holding a bag and tried to land with out losing it. I was hoping last night that the pain would go away and I would sleep. You would think I’d be sound asleep taking a pain killer, NOPE, I wake up so tired wishing I slept. They told me 7 business days. That’s the day after Christmas. Then they said, well with the holidays it might take longer. We all made an uneasy face. I can’t understand why it takes so long for a lab to get the results back to the doctor. You have someone’s mind going all over the damn place. Is it Cancer or not?? Just get it over with. Someone told me she had her results the same day. That’s only because she already had Cancer and wanted to make sure there was no re occurrence. In all honestly re occurrence or getting it for the first time, you shouldn't have someone waiting 7 business days to tell them they do or do not have Cancer. I’m not scared. I just want to know and if I end up with Cancer, I still won’t be scared. I’m just going to beat the fucking shit out of it that it will run so fast and never come back. Inside tells me I’m going to live a long time with or with out Cancer! Now, I just have to wait to find out.

The Trend Has Not Faded

It’s been a while since I have written. I haven’t even gone back to see what I have written last. So here goes nothing. As I sit here on hold with the Gramercy MRI place to see if they have a cancellation for my breast biopsy I thought “let me start writing.” I’ve been through a lot this year. Last December I had lost my aunt to Cancer. I always hated that time of year and never really liked celebrating New Year’s Eve. Thirteen years ago my brother Martino and his girlfriend had spent Christmas with us. I’ll never forget how he announced his other gift he had for her. “And we’re going to Mexico!!!” He said it with a huge smile on his face, she jumped up and latched onto him. I swear it looked like a child just jumped up on her dad for buying her a pony. They were both so happy and it made me happy. It was a great feeling to see Martino happy again. New Year’s Eve came and well it was the first time I didn’t spend it with my family. Martino didn’t spend it with the family either. The clock struck midnight and the confetti was everywhere. I was ecstatic. I’ve never been to a party like this before, so many people I didn’t know, strangers where surrounding me, but we were all happy to be there together. I ran to the pay phone and called home, my mother just told me that Martino just called to wish her a HAPPY NEW YEAR. Much did we know our new year was not going to be happy, but broken. Martino and his girlfriend went to Mexico and I went to work in the cold blizzard. I think it was the day or day before Martino was to come home from Mexico, when I received a call at work that I needed to go home. January 16th, will never escape me. Martino had a major heart attack and his soul left his shelter. He was gone and till today, no matter what anyone says I will NEVER GET OVER MISSING MY BROTHER!! He’s gone and my heart is broken. It’s something that can never be mended. So you see, this time of year is not a great one for me. Years have passed and it just never seemed to get better. I can not go through the years, there’s to much to write. Last year 2006, I said to myself… “This year I will not cry into 2007, 2007 will be the year, it will be the year when everything will start getting better!!” Well, December of 2006 put a damn damper on that. My aunt had passed away from Cancer and everything just seemed to be feeling a bit familiar. The feeling of loss and sorrow, the feeling of my brother’s death anniversary coming up while I’m still mourning for my aunt. My heart started to break even more. I wondered if anything was ever going to be good this year, but then I told myself it will get better, it has too.

It’s the end of January 2007 and I find out that I have a mass growing inside my head, right underneath my brain. I’m told that I can have a stroke or an aneurysm. So right away I look into specialist to get it removed. My sister goes into 10 hour surgery in May, she had a tumor on her spinal cord, and we didn’t know if she was going to be paralyzed or even make it out of surgery. She came out, but didn’t have such a smooth recovery; she is now disabled and numb on her right side. She is now trying to get disability and well let’s just say they are giving her the run around. It was either the middle or end of May or probably even before that, my father was diagnosed with bladder Cancer. The doctors were treating him for months for a bladder infection and finally they realized it was Cancer. He had tumors on his bladder. What else could go wrong? What else can break what is left of this heart of mine? I had to be strong, I had to be strong for them and for me. I was going back and forth to so many doctors for myself. I was walking around with the thought of the mass in my head, thinking why me? I was so sick from this mass and then on top of that, the ailment of my family put a toll on my weakened body. I finally found a doctor. I had major surgery in June, they opened my head up and removed a piece of my skull to get to this nasty mass. Eighteen staples and gruesome pain later, I thought I was going to die. Honestly, I kept it to myself as I laid there in ICU. I didn’t want to scare anyone; I didn’t want to say it, because I thought if I did, it would happen. I thought I was going to die. The pain killers didn’t do a thing and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t see, and I was deaf in my right ear. The pain was excruciating, inexplicable. I laid there thinking it was my time to go; I didn’t want to go like this. I didn’t want to go in pain so I kept asking my brother Martino to help me. I had seen him while I was in ICU. I had seen him standing in the door way, strange thing though, he was a lot younger, I knew then he was there to watch over me and to protect me, that no matter how much pain I was in, he was there for me.

It’s obvious I’m now off the phone with the MRI place. About 3 months ago I had gone to my gyno because let’s just say something wasn’t right. I had to find another gyno because my gyno didn’t take my insurance anymore. I went back to one of the gyno’s who did one of my surgeries. She examined me, the whole nine yards. She gave me a breast exam and found lumps, so here I am now, 3 nodules later waiting for a cancellation so I can get my biopsy done before my appointment on the 17th. What a grand year huh?? The trend has not faded.

Could There Be Anything Else? ANYTHING???

How do I not cry? How do I stay strong? Block emotions? Do I stick my head up my ass and not see what is crumbling down infront of me? Or do I just act numb?

I haven't been feeling well, wow that's a surprise isn't it? NO, I'm not a f'n hypochondriac. Back in January I kept bumping into my friend, making her drop her drink. I was sorry and did it over and over again. Am I a f'n retard or something? I'll answer that, NO! I wasn't even drinking, I wasn't buzzed nor drunk. I just kept losing my balance like a numb nut. I decided not to go to work the next day because when I got out of bed, I got dizzy. I thought I got up to fast bumping into the frame of my bedroom door. The walk to the bathroom wasn't so pleasant either. Again, I just thought I got up way to fast. So I decided to lay down for a little longer. The room was spinning. I waited for it to go away. It didn't. I got up and well the son of a bitch was still there. Again, I was like, too fast. Lay down. Wait. Try again. This time slow. Slow as a snail the dizziness was still there and I made my call to the office that I was not coming in. This greatness lasted for two weeks. I bumped into walls, people and well needed to hold on to things so I wouldn't fall. As I walked down the block I swore someone was pushing me towards the left/right. I decided to finally go to the doctor. VERTIGO! Just as I expected. The doctor wrote a prescription for my dizziness and when she moved the paper over to me I thought I was going to fall off my chair from getting so dizzy. The doctor sent me to an ENT specialist. I told the dude my symptoms and he ordered a MRI. He said my brain is normal, and I chuckled, "are you sure?", but there is a mass here. I have either a cyst or a tumor inside my head on my temporal bone. Long story short to today... I have to have surgery and that consist of a Neurosurgeon opening up my head, moving my brain, moving my nerves so the ENT surgeon can remove the cyst/tumor. Oh I forgot to mention... he's going to cut like a small sized egg of my bone out. Snazzy huh?

Meantime back at the ranch... my dad was diagnosed with bladder Cancer. I was told if you get Cancer you would want bladder, since it's easier to cure. My poor father 8 weeks of Chemo and now they have done more tests. They still found Cancerous cells in his urine, he had an appointment on the 2nd to get a biopsy. He took asprin two days prior so they couldn't do it. They rescheduled for May 15th. My dad is lost and not feeling well, I don't even think he understands that they found cancerous cells in his urine. May 15th they are doing a biopsy on his bladder and his prostate. I'm asking my angel...my brother Martino to please watch over him and to send some healing energy to my father so he feels better and that the Cancer is GONE!!!!!

My sister was complaining of pain. Her whole left side would go numb and her face would blow up. The pain from her head would go all the way down her left side, it drove her crazy. She couldn't speak at times. I told her "GO TO THE DOCTOR DAMN IT, YOU'RE PROBABLY HAVING A DAMN STROKE." I then told her that it might be her neck, she has some bulging or herniated whatever discs. I then told her to make sure she doesn't have what I have. Petrous Apex Lession. "GET AN MRI DONE ON YOUR HEAD AND NECK!" Finally she listened to me. She was more worried about me than herself. They found a tumor in her spinal cord. She has surgery. Her 4 to 5 hour surgery turned into 10 hours. They cut her nerve and now she has no feeling in her left arm. She is heavily medicated and can't move. My mom cries to me every day that my sister in not herself and she keeps her arm limp. That my sister is hallucinating and when she talks she's not all there. The pain is excrutiating and my mom tells me that my sister thinks she's dying. My sister thought she was in a car accident. See's people that are not even there. Calls me day to day and tells me not to have my surgery as she says it in agony. I can't even hold her hand. Tell her that she'll be ok. I'm so far away. I'm here in NY and there she is in Florida disabled.

My surgery is scheduled for June 11th. I'm nervous... I have a chance to go deaf in my ear and lose the nerves in my face. Before all this, I was having PSVT episodes. My heart was in my throat, my hands were shaking as I felt like my insides were trembling hard core, I started to see all white and felt my eyes rolling back. Was I about to faint, my chest was going to explode, was I having a heart attack? NO! the cardiologist says PSVT! I do all my reading on the internet with the Petrous Apex lession and that was one of the symptoms, the trembling. It always happens to me out of nowhere. I grabbed the remote to watch a show and it looked like I was jerking off the remote. I couldn't stop trembling so crazy as my heart was in some speedy whacked car race. I'm just f'n numb!