Lost, can you find me?

Why do I feel this lingering nauseating emptiness inside me? I go on with my day, but I feel so worn out? Feels like I haven’t slept in months. I wake up as if I haven’t slept at all. I’m forgetting things I did or need to do. There’s a yearning but I don’t know what it is I yearn. I keep telling myself “maybe if you cry, you’ll feel better”, but then I can’t even find the time to let the tears of the uncertainties wither out and flow away from my soul. I’m wondering if it’s everything finally falling into place to remind me of what I have been through. I’ve been trying to think positive hoping it will change things around, remove the negative thoughts that haunt my mind and heart and gut. It’s not easy. I always say it in my head, but now I have to say it out loud. If I say it out loud maybe just maybe things will change for the better, take all this lingering sadness and pain away. I’m done with it, tired of it and want it all to go away. I want a new me to be found and brought to the surface. How do I do that if I’ve lost myself in general? My life is so occupied, I have gotten lost in it. I’m the woman who’s there for you and there to celebrate your joy. I’m the woman who picks you up and goes to a Diner for breakfast. I’m the woman who e-mails you how much she misses you. I’m the woman who e-mails to set up a date to hang out. I’m the woman who will drop everything and help you out. I am the woman who will hold your head up while you are crying. I’m the woman who opens her arms and holds you. I’m the woman running around doing things for everyone. I’m the woman. I’ve become the woman I can’t find in myself. It’s like I’m living everyone’s life inside me except for mine. I feel like I don’t know where I went. Where did you go? I feel weak and confused still. Is it all the pain medication wearing me down, or is it life or maybe both? I need to feel for me now. How do I do that? How do I reach inside myself and find that special light to bring up to the surface? How? I just don’t know. I’ve been wanting to go to a spiritual cleansing retreat, maybe that will help. Maybe there I will be able to shed the uncertainties, the pain, and the weakness out of me. They’re just way to expensive, I don’t get it. We want to help cleanse ourselves not cleans the bank account out. I keep my head up, I’m told I’m strong, why is it I don’t feel strong? Can you tell me? I don’t want pitty, I just want people to respect what I’m going through and help me get through it. Can you?

Is It Or NOT???

I had another percocet last night. I’ve been taking them since Monday night. This time I’m only taking one and not two like I normally do. They mess up my stomach. I only started to take it Monday because of the biopsy. I was afraid to have my breast touch my bed and find myself flying mid air from bouncing of my bed in pain. Then I thought to stop taking them. I ended up falling yesterday morning on my way to work. My heal got caught in the cuff of my pants and I went flying. I had a huge bag in my left hand as my purse was on my shoulder and my mittens were held in my right hand. I had no control and landed hard on the concrete. I took my time to turn over to look at my knees. No holes in my pants, what a relief. I looked at my inner left palm and saw blood and a nasty little hole. I brushed it off and then licked it clean, I know gross but I had to. So I took another percocet last night not only for my boob but my left wrist, it was killing me, I think I twisted it pretty good, only because I was holding a bag and tried to land with out losing it. I was hoping last night that the pain would go away and I would sleep. You would think I’d be sound asleep taking a pain killer, NOPE, I wake up so tired wishing I slept. They told me 7 business days. That’s the day after Christmas. Then they said, well with the holidays it might take longer. We all made an uneasy face. I can’t understand why it takes so long for a lab to get the results back to the doctor. You have someone’s mind going all over the damn place. Is it Cancer or not?? Just get it over with. Someone told me she had her results the same day. That’s only because she already had Cancer and wanted to make sure there was no re occurrence. In all honestly re occurrence or getting it for the first time, you shouldn't have someone waiting 7 business days to tell them they do or do not have Cancer. I’m not scared. I just want to know and if I end up with Cancer, I still won’t be scared. I’m just going to beat the fucking shit out of it that it will run so fast and never come back. Inside tells me I’m going to live a long time with or with out Cancer! Now, I just have to wait to find out.

The Trend Has Not Faded

It’s been a while since I have written. I haven’t even gone back to see what I have written last. So here goes nothing. As I sit here on hold with the Gramercy MRI place to see if they have a cancellation for my breast biopsy I thought “let me start writing.” I’ve been through a lot this year. Last December I had lost my aunt to Cancer. I always hated that time of year and never really liked celebrating New Year’s Eve. Thirteen years ago my brother Martino and his girlfriend had spent Christmas with us. I’ll never forget how he announced his other gift he had for her. “And we’re going to Mexico!!!” He said it with a huge smile on his face, she jumped up and latched onto him. I swear it looked like a child just jumped up on her dad for buying her a pony. They were both so happy and it made me happy. It was a great feeling to see Martino happy again. New Year’s Eve came and well it was the first time I didn’t spend it with my family. Martino didn’t spend it with the family either. The clock struck midnight and the confetti was everywhere. I was ecstatic. I’ve never been to a party like this before, so many people I didn’t know, strangers where surrounding me, but we were all happy to be there together. I ran to the pay phone and called home, my mother just told me that Martino just called to wish her a HAPPY NEW YEAR. Much did we know our new year was not going to be happy, but broken. Martino and his girlfriend went to Mexico and I went to work in the cold blizzard. I think it was the day or day before Martino was to come home from Mexico, when I received a call at work that I needed to go home. January 16th, will never escape me. Martino had a major heart attack and his soul left his shelter. He was gone and till today, no matter what anyone says I will NEVER GET OVER MISSING MY BROTHER!! He’s gone and my heart is broken. It’s something that can never be mended. So you see, this time of year is not a great one for me. Years have passed and it just never seemed to get better. I can not go through the years, there’s to much to write. Last year 2006, I said to myself… “This year I will not cry into 2007, 2007 will be the year, it will be the year when everything will start getting better!!” Well, December of 2006 put a damn damper on that. My aunt had passed away from Cancer and everything just seemed to be feeling a bit familiar. The feeling of loss and sorrow, the feeling of my brother’s death anniversary coming up while I’m still mourning for my aunt. My heart started to break even more. I wondered if anything was ever going to be good this year, but then I told myself it will get better, it has too.

It’s the end of January 2007 and I find out that I have a mass growing inside my head, right underneath my brain. I’m told that I can have a stroke or an aneurysm. So right away I look into specialist to get it removed. My sister goes into 10 hour surgery in May, she had a tumor on her spinal cord, and we didn’t know if she was going to be paralyzed or even make it out of surgery. She came out, but didn’t have such a smooth recovery; she is now disabled and numb on her right side. She is now trying to get disability and well let’s just say they are giving her the run around. It was either the middle or end of May or probably even before that, my father was diagnosed with bladder Cancer. The doctors were treating him for months for a bladder infection and finally they realized it was Cancer. He had tumors on his bladder. What else could go wrong? What else can break what is left of this heart of mine? I had to be strong, I had to be strong for them and for me. I was going back and forth to so many doctors for myself. I was walking around with the thought of the mass in my head, thinking why me? I was so sick from this mass and then on top of that, the ailment of my family put a toll on my weakened body. I finally found a doctor. I had major surgery in June, they opened my head up and removed a piece of my skull to get to this nasty mass. Eighteen staples and gruesome pain later, I thought I was going to die. Honestly, I kept it to myself as I laid there in ICU. I didn’t want to scare anyone; I didn’t want to say it, because I thought if I did, it would happen. I thought I was going to die. The pain killers didn’t do a thing and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t see, and I was deaf in my right ear. The pain was excruciating, inexplicable. I laid there thinking it was my time to go; I didn’t want to go like this. I didn’t want to go in pain so I kept asking my brother Martino to help me. I had seen him while I was in ICU. I had seen him standing in the door way, strange thing though, he was a lot younger, I knew then he was there to watch over me and to protect me, that no matter how much pain I was in, he was there for me.

It’s obvious I’m now off the phone with the MRI place. About 3 months ago I had gone to my gyno because let’s just say something wasn’t right. I had to find another gyno because my gyno didn’t take my insurance anymore. I went back to one of the gyno’s who did one of my surgeries. She examined me, the whole nine yards. She gave me a breast exam and found lumps, so here I am now, 3 nodules later waiting for a cancellation so I can get my biopsy done before my appointment on the 17th. What a grand year huh?? The trend has not faded.

Could There Be Anything Else? ANYTHING???

How do I not cry? How do I stay strong? Block emotions? Do I stick my head up my ass and not see what is crumbling down infront of me? Or do I just act numb?

I haven't been feeling well, wow that's a surprise isn't it? NO, I'm not a f'n hypochondriac. Back in January I kept bumping into my friend, making her drop her drink. I was sorry and did it over and over again. Am I a f'n retard or something? I'll answer that, NO! I wasn't even drinking, I wasn't buzzed nor drunk. I just kept losing my balance like a numb nut. I decided not to go to work the next day because when I got out of bed, I got dizzy. I thought I got up to fast bumping into the frame of my bedroom door. The walk to the bathroom wasn't so pleasant either. Again, I just thought I got up way to fast. So I decided to lay down for a little longer. The room was spinning. I waited for it to go away. It didn't. I got up and well the son of a bitch was still there. Again, I was like, too fast. Lay down. Wait. Try again. This time slow. Slow as a snail the dizziness was still there and I made my call to the office that I was not coming in. This greatness lasted for two weeks. I bumped into walls, people and well needed to hold on to things so I wouldn't fall. As I walked down the block I swore someone was pushing me towards the left/right. I decided to finally go to the doctor. VERTIGO! Just as I expected. The doctor wrote a prescription for my dizziness and when she moved the paper over to me I thought I was going to fall off my chair from getting so dizzy. The doctor sent me to an ENT specialist. I told the dude my symptoms and he ordered a MRI. He said my brain is normal, and I chuckled, "are you sure?", but there is a mass here. I have either a cyst or a tumor inside my head on my temporal bone. Long story short to today... I have to have surgery and that consist of a Neurosurgeon opening up my head, moving my brain, moving my nerves so the ENT surgeon can remove the cyst/tumor. Oh I forgot to mention... he's going to cut like a small sized egg of my bone out. Snazzy huh?

Meantime back at the ranch... my dad was diagnosed with bladder Cancer. I was told if you get Cancer you would want bladder, since it's easier to cure. My poor father 8 weeks of Chemo and now they have done more tests. They still found Cancerous cells in his urine, he had an appointment on the 2nd to get a biopsy. He took asprin two days prior so they couldn't do it. They rescheduled for May 15th. My dad is lost and not feeling well, I don't even think he understands that they found cancerous cells in his urine. May 15th they are doing a biopsy on his bladder and his prostate. I'm asking my angel...my brother Martino to please watch over him and to send some healing energy to my father so he feels better and that the Cancer is GONE!!!!!

My sister was complaining of pain. Her whole left side would go numb and her face would blow up. The pain from her head would go all the way down her left side, it drove her crazy. She couldn't speak at times. I told her "GO TO THE DOCTOR DAMN IT, YOU'RE PROBABLY HAVING A DAMN STROKE." I then told her that it might be her neck, she has some bulging or herniated whatever discs. I then told her to make sure she doesn't have what I have. Petrous Apex Lession. "GET AN MRI DONE ON YOUR HEAD AND NECK!" Finally she listened to me. She was more worried about me than herself. They found a tumor in her spinal cord. She has surgery. Her 4 to 5 hour surgery turned into 10 hours. They cut her nerve and now she has no feeling in her left arm. She is heavily medicated and can't move. My mom cries to me every day that my sister in not herself and she keeps her arm limp. That my sister is hallucinating and when she talks she's not all there. The pain is excrutiating and my mom tells me that my sister thinks she's dying. My sister thought she was in a car accident. See's people that are not even there. Calls me day to day and tells me not to have my surgery as she says it in agony. I can't even hold her hand. Tell her that she'll be ok. I'm so far away. I'm here in NY and there she is in Florida disabled.

My surgery is scheduled for June 11th. I'm nervous... I have a chance to go deaf in my ear and lose the nerves in my face. Before all this, I was having PSVT episodes. My heart was in my throat, my hands were shaking as I felt like my insides were trembling hard core, I started to see all white and felt my eyes rolling back. Was I about to faint, my chest was going to explode, was I having a heart attack? NO! the cardiologist says PSVT! I do all my reading on the internet with the Petrous Apex lession and that was one of the symptoms, the trembling. It always happens to me out of nowhere. I grabbed the remote to watch a show and it looked like I was jerking off the remote. I couldn't stop trembling so crazy as my heart was in some speedy whacked car race. I'm just f'n numb!

I'm Done

It has come and I am suffering.

Wed. night I had a dream that I was at my job, but it didn't look the same. It's always like that in dreams. There was fruit everywhere in the office. The one thing that stood out were the peeled oranges. They were whole, put in all different places all by themselves. I knew I couldn't touch it, because they weren't mine, but I wanted to grab it and eat it desperately. I just walked by with out touching them. Then Thursday I had another dream of looking at a fruit store with the vibrant colors of all the fruit. I was told that they were really good but I wanted better, I was told to go up a few blocks and that is where they sell the best inexpensive fruit. I went and saw my younger brother pull into McDonald's. I called him and he said he was already gone. I went nuts looking for him that I ended up getting lost.

I had my father look up oranges and fruit in the Italian dream book. It meant tears and sickness. It meant Zia Franca is going to die! She did, Saturday. I then had a dream this morning, that we found my aunt in her bed choking on her last breath. I called for an ambulance and told them or should I say screaming that they need to come, that my aunt was dying and she needed oxygen that I didn't want her to suffer. I wanted her to be able to breath and die peacefully. I was crying and yelling like a lunatic. I told my sister to go and punch my aunt in her chest to revive her. I then saw my aunt with white hair and she had asked me for a piece of my hair so she can take it with her. She wanted to take a piece of me with her. She did, she took a piece of my life when she left us.

I went out Friday night, it was a good time. Went for Japanese and then went to some lame lounge that we briefly visited and then we went to some VIP place. Still don't know why it was VIP, but I guess that is what Florida is for you. I went home content but still an annoyance or should I say a disappointment lingered inside. Remember my so called person who made me forget about my pain? Well I had text him earlier that day to tell him, that I was done and I said my goodbye. He didn't want that and it came to him texting me that he would call me, he never did. I had told him to prove to me that he's a friend by calling me later that day and he text me back "I will!!!". Never happened and it hurt and the disappointment lingered inside. I still went out and had a good time, I didn't want it to ruin my night.

Saturday morning, I opened my eyes and realized still that I never got a call. I was sad. I had to pee, but I had no strength to get up. So I did what a lazy person would do and that's stay in bed till I couldn't take it anymore. The phone rang, it was about 9 something. I thought my mom would get the phone, but she didn't. It was my Aunt in Ft. Lauderdale. She left a message. "Sara, pigia telefono", which means Sara pick up the phone. My mom didn't pick it up. The sound of the phone told my body to get up and pee. So I did. Then I walked around the house in a daze, something wasn't right. I could tell by the message. I don't know how, but something deep inside already told me. A few minutes passed and the phone rang again. It was my Aunt from Ft. Lauderdale again. The first thing I said with out giving her a chance to say hello was. "Come Zia Franca" - "How is Aunt Franca". This is my aunt in Rome whom I mentioned was sick and dying of Cancer. She replies "Si nio" - "She left".

I fell to the ground and cried the mourners cry. As soon as I hit the floor I had told her that I knew. The pain came back, the pain of losing someone.

Last year on New Year's Eve night, I had gotten a call that Zia Franca had lung Cancer and not even a year later she's gone. I miss her so much, I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. She went back to Rome and there is no way I could afford a ticket. My mom found out later that they were going to lay her out in her house the next day which is today Christmas Eve. That's the way they do it in Italy. They lay you out in your bed and then bring you to the cemetery.
My aunt was a healer, she helped so many others with their ailments and cured them. Now she's gone, she couldn't help herself, isn't that the way it always goes? Sounds like my life.

So here I am an emotional basket case. My aunt passes away, my parents are sick and my dad has hit depression and wishes he was dead. Do you know what that does to me? It tears me apart. My roommate is leaving, she has to move out and help her mother out, I'm left alone, I always feel alone. I need to find someone to move in because I can't afford it on my own and I don't have time. Then I've been trying to shake off this darn cough that I've had for over a month and it's not going anywhere but staying in my damn lungs. I had checked my email to find that I got a bonus which I thought it would be more, but I can't complain, it's a damn bonus. Then in the letter that was sent via email told me our salary raise. They only gave me cost of living. The person before me was making more than I was, she did a lousy job and didn't do her job and made a mess for me to clean up when I got there, when I was hired I was put to my desk and they said ok work, I had to train myself. I found her paper work and saw she was making more than me, she was only there for 8 months before they let her go and hired me, I've been there for a year and four months, and they did not give me a raise, I'm not making anything near what they paid her, it's a slap in the face, since I turned the place around and cleaned up the crazy mess. The person who had me forget my pain, forgot me and well I had to call him. I had to call him and tell him that I can't go through this. I can't be his friend because he isn't trying and it's hurting me. This is the time when I need my friends the most. Yeah I have my other friends, but when we hooked up, we built this bond and I felt it, I thought it would bring our friendship to a deeper level. Meaning we would be close and be there for one another. I guess that bond was all fiction. I called and told him do you want to be friends or not because I'm not working on hope anymore, I spilled out my emotional guts and he said he wants to be there for me. I told him I'm tired of making everything about everyone else, 2007 it's going to be all about me. So if he doesn't want to be my friend he needs to tell me now because I'm done. I told him I'm tired of a girl interfering our friendship. I just needed him to tell me I can't be friends with you anymore, so I can let go of hope. He then says that we are friends and he was giving me time to be with my family and that he wants to be there for me, but it was a rushed speach. He said he had to run around and take care of things and would call me when he got home, he said to give him 2 hours. I didn't hold my breath. He never called. He knew how torn I was with my Aunts death and knew I was hurting because the lack of our friendship. He was suppose to prove to me that he was a friend by calling me the other day and he never did. When I get back home to New York, I'm done. He's no longer my friend, I will no longer bother trying to mend it. I can't have him bring me down when I'm already under. So, here's to another damn miserable year that will forever play in my mind and to a new year wishing for happiness. I'm falling apart, so I'm done!

It's That Time Of Year Again

I know... it's been a while. I just haven't been able to blog in a very long time. A lot has been going on. I don't even know where to begin. So I'll just be sporadic.

Mia moved out and I have a new roommate, but I think I already mentioned that. Things are great. I do the cooking and she does the cleaning, I help out once in a while, if I'm not in my bed sick as a damn dog, seems to be the trend this year. To be sick as a dog. Who the heck came up with that saying anyway?

At this particular moment my eyes are puffy and won't seem to go down, they burn at times and well it looks like somebody died and I've been crying all damn day. Tis not true... it's me not feeling well. Damn it!

I had stopped typing and continued today, things have changed at the homefront and my eyes are no longer puffy but my heart is definitly sore.

I've been recording and made some great friends from the studio. It feels good to be around passion and to be around your passion that you can share with people. I would go after work and get there around 8, 8:30 and get home around 2 am and lose another nights sleep. Not like I get a real nights rest anyway. It's about a 1/2 hour ride out and well thank goodness there's no traffice on the way home. I sang with bronchitis and well it was recorded. It's amazing what you would do for passion.

Last year at this time, things seemed like shit, like always. This year it's happening all over again. My aunt in Rome is dying and I know I will never see her again. My heart suffers knowing she is in a lot of pain. I feel like I'm dying all over again, the way I felt when my brother died years ago. My parents aren't well, all they are doing is getting older and getting sicker. I haven't been feeling well, but that's usual for me and I just live with it.

My new roommate who's actually lived with me for like 7 to 8 months just told me the other day that her mother needs her to come back home. Again, I am stuck looking for a new roommate in a short notice. It's stressful and I try not to stress, but how can I not with everything else that is breaking my heart. I have a job, yes, it pays my bills and that is all that can be said about that. This time of year brings back pain and I thought it would get better as years came by. On the contrar other bullshit has to happen and make it worse. I get real sensitive this time of year. I think about my brother Martino who passed away, it will be 12 years in January, and you would think I would feel a bit better about the whole thing, but it's something that never goes away. So at this time of year I'm alot more sensitive to things than usual.

I did have a happy moment that briefly came into my life, that was quickly taken away, hence another heart break. I actually met someone. Someone who I felt comfortable with. Someone who actually took all the stupid pain away or should I say made me forget about the pain. It felt good. It felt good that person was there to hold me and to give me what I needed. No strings attached, he would put his head on my chest and he actually told me that my heart beat was beating so normal. Much does he know my palpatations went away when I was with him, he brought calm to my insanity of pain. The sad part was, I really liked him, I developed feelings for him, but I refrained to tell him, I thought we both agreed to the no strings attached deal and take it day by day. I was afraid to like him, because like I said I thought it was no strings attached and I knew as soon as I did tell him, I felt that what we had would go away, and it did because as soon as I was ready to do so his ex came into the picture. Intuition could sometimes be a bitch. His ex started to feel lost with out him when she found out he was with me, and it's only natural to feel the way she did, which was, oh I miss him and I realize that he is with someone and I can not take that, I want him back. So there he went right back to her. He claims the two months they were together, they fell for another, but the reason he first broke up with her wasn't enough for him to stay with me and start something new, something he was released from stress and so comfortable with. He did have feelings for me but I take it wasn't enough. He had rather gone on to the challange of fixing things with the girl he thought he fell for two months ago that did things I feel shouldn't have gotten a second chance. Now I'm here typing it to you.

I'm in Florida visiting my family. I thought I would be happy and part of my saddness would go away, it hasn't. I can't stop it. I want it to go away. I want my Aunt to miraculously heal, I want my parents pain to go away and for them to live for an eternity. I want my friendship back with the man who briefly took my pain away and made me happy. I want my passion of singing to finally rise, I want my health to be in tip top shape. I just want to be HAPPY.

The Anger Inside

The Anger inside me does not escape. It's a problem. It's not a problem to get angry, it's only an emotion that is part of being a human. My problem is that it never escapes me. One thing can get me so upset and it turns into anger. It always ends up that after one thing it's always another and that is why it never escapes me. It lingers inside, like if my body wants to dwell on it. I need to get it out. Even if I think about the situation it brings me back to the exact feeling I had when the situation happened. The feeling is strong and stays. Then when I get upset or mad it just brings back all the things that have scarred me from anger. It's all a psychological thing it happens to everyone, but they probably don't even realize it. That will happen until I have resolved that problem that has made me so angry, but I can't seem to get rid of it. I'm sick and not only is it because of my low immune system, I think it has a lot to do with the stress that enters my life that I try to ignore that it is actually stress and then there is the anger that is stuck inside me. It wears me out. I need to go somewhere and just relax, I need a flush. I need a cleansing. I need help.