It's the day after the empty day. I tried to ignore the yesterday but thought I would be mad the next day because I did ignore the empty day. I tried to go on with the day without shedding a tear. I succeeded until...
I felt sick. Though I tried to fool my mind I didn't fool my inner soul, my body. It was worn. Tearing apart as I tried to ignore it all. Inside knew what the empty day was and reacted. I decided to go over Drea's that way I wouldn't be alone and let my inner soul overpower my mind. We orded Chinese food, which I rarely do. We ate, watched 24 and a bit of the golden globes. CSI Miami came on and we watched. I finally left around 11:30. I entered my apartment feeling lost. I took my layers off and put them on the chair in the living room. I started to feel it, my guard went down I couldn't try anymore. It was time. Time to let it out. I looked at my cat and she looked right into me. She saw my pain. I picked her up and hugged her. I looked in the mirror in front of us and watched my tears bathe my face. I sat on my bed and it started with a light headed feeling and my chest caved in, my right arm was limp next to me. It seemed as if I was having an outer body experience. It was like I was watching myself from above me. I sat there and had my mournful cries. I was weak and finally made it inside my bed. I just laid there with no sleep. I swear I really tried to not hurt so much on that empty day. I lit a candle (a tea light) earlier. Put it in a heart shaped silver candleholder. That was when Drea called and told me to come over. I didn't want to blow out his candle that was lit by his pictures with a piece if his eucalyptus and when he was alive he had those little silver cubes with all the initials of his name. It was all there. I didn’t want to disturb it, but I couldn't leave with it burning. I blew really hard and it didn't want to extinguish. I tried six times and still there it was lit. I called Drea and asked if she wanted to come to my place instead. I told her what happened, she really wanted to stay home. So I made another attempt to extinguish the tea light. Drea heard the loud and powerful blow. It didn't work. So I said it allowed that it doesn't want to shut off. I took a second deep breath and finally it went out.
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Hope you’re doing okay. In the 11 years that Martino crossed over, I have never had a dream about him or if I did, I have never remembered it. But last night, on his birthday, he came to me. I was going to see him. I think Al was with me. I was very nervous. I got to your house (not your real house-it was different). It had a lot of steps to the front door (stairway to heaven?). Your family (again-people I’ve never seen, but in my dream they were your family) was sitting on the porch, drinking, laughing, having a good time. Martino's sister (an older woman with short blonde hair) said to me “go ahead, he’s upstairs”.
On my way up, Martino came down and I said “it’s been so long. You look the same”. He got down on his knees and he put his arms around my waist and said “I love you and I couldn’t imagine my life without you”.
That’s all I remember.
On the 16th on my way to work, he was of course totally on my mind and a song came on (i have Sirius):
"Meet you in Heaven". A gazillion songs on satellite and that's what came on.
Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you. Further proof that he's with us and there is life beyond this world.
I also have a small request. The next time you go to your mom's, could you possibly scan the photos from the album Martino and I made together and send them to me. I only have a handfull of photos of him. Or you could bring the album back and I'll scan them and give them back to you.I'd like to make a memorial video. Thanks.
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