Can You Handle It?

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Beating Around The Bush

My horoscope reads today “There’s no beating around the bush with a love interest any longer.”

Can anyone out there help me out? What the fuhh?? Can anyone tell me who my love interest is? I mean it’s already in my face I have no damn luck with any man that I was ever interested in, is ever interested in me. So, at this particular moment, I have no interest for any damn body. So when I get a horoscope like this it just fucks up my whole day. DAMN IT!

I always say it, but sometimes I get bothered by it. You know, not having a guy who you think is remotely attractive, not interested in you in any shape or form. Like what is up with that? What is it that all you men are afraid of? I’m not asking to get married. I’m not asking you to inseminate me with one of your precious jewels to have a child. I’m not asking you to be my boyfriend. All I’m asking is to just hang out. Have a good time, go out and have fun. All I want is some company. I’m tired of all that shit, men who I'm attractive to who don’t even know I exist. But then I turn around and say,

“I’m fine by myself. Been by myself for ever and I can keep going. I’m fine.”

But am I really? I’m not ugly, I can tell you that and no, I’m not conceited. I think I’m a pretty woman. I’m funny, independent, outgoing all that crazy good stuff. So what’s the problem men?? What the fuck is your problem, are you to scared to give a nice girl ehh ehh I mean woman some damn company? There’s no harm in that buddy! If you men out there start having feelings for a girl, just let it take its damn path. Don’t be afraid. It’s ok to care for someone, love someone and want to be with someone. We only have one life to live so take advantage of it. If you just want to be a player then pick some hoes. Just don’t forget the good girls out there who would just like a little of attention too.

Understand Me

I was thinking. Thinking about the Miserable Thing. Everyone, and I mean every single being knows someone or hears someone talk about their sad sorry life. Some people do it for attention and some of them make it sad so they can be somewhat interesting to people. Me? Well, I blog about my life, it just might seem like a sad sorry life, but I don’t define it as sad, miserable or bad or tough. I just call it life. Isn’t this what life is all about? I also like to share my life not because I want them to feel bad for me; because I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me at all. I want people just to respect me, respect with what is going on in my life and understand where I’m coming from. My stories molded me and that’s what you get. So don’t feel bad, just relate or have some good advice. Say something nice and don’t try to top your problem with mine, I’m looking for someone to confide in not to compete sad stories. I’m not saying people do this to me, but I realized that people do it in general to people. I’m very observant. I’m like my cat, always around and my ears move to where there’s noise. I can pay attention to what I’m doing and listen or watch something else and sulk it all in. There’s a lot of people out there who just tell there friends.

“Oh please, you are so dramatic!”

They only say that because what they really want to say is…

“You are so idiotic, grow up.”
“I’m tired of your retarded drama.”
“Pah lease.”
“You won’t get any sympathy from me.”


All that good stuff and more is what they really mean. We all have our bad days, but in general the bad days have me. I try not to sulk in them, well that’s because I really can’t remember them. I only remember them when I’m in them. I remember what they bad days make me feel. Once that day goes, the anger is still inside me, but the action fades away in my mind, but the feeling… well it’s still there. Like a scar. I crack jokes here and there, not because I want to laugh and feel better, it’s because it’s natural. I’m just a naturally funny person. My mother’s cousin Adela in Palermo said that the camera should be on me (I was taping a lot in Sicily); she said I was very animated. I would be talking about a serious matter and they would fall off their chair. I put things to ease and I like that. I just wish I can entertain myself naturally some how. Ease myself. Did you ever get so mad at something and it gets you so mad that in the end you can’t even remember what it was that got you so mad, but that fire just is burning up inside building higher flames? Well that’s me with my life. Scarred! So just try to respect and understand me.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Fill Me In...

I was by Anne’s house yesterday, I was getting ready to leave, when we saw Ty Pennington’s show come on. I had said how I wish they could do all that for me and well they can’t because I live in an apartment not a house. Then I would have to have a sad story. So Anne said that wouldn’t be a problem, because I have a miserable life so far. She didn’t mean anything mean by it, I didn’t take offense to it at all. All it did was make me think. Think about my life and wondered what it was that everyone saw. Yeah sure, there’s this empty feeling inside me that I don’t know how to fill or ever know if it will be filled, but I’m used to it. I’ve lived this long with it and will go on with it. So this morning I emailed Anne and asked her about my life.

Me:

Hey,
Last night when I was driving home, I was thinking about what you said. About the miserable life thing. The only miserable impact I canthink of is my brother’s death and a thought came to mind... I waswondering how people really see my life. So fill me in : )

Anne:
I am sorry for that comment. I didn't mean for it to sound as bad as it did. I didn't mean to say that your life is miserable. Miserable people don't have a great family like you do or friends that want you around. Miserable people don't have all the love you receive from your family and friends.
What I meant to say is that you've had a tough life. In all the years I have known you there has never been a day where you haven't been sick or in pain. Even in HS you appeared to be happy but there was always some lingering of pain in your eyes, a tiny bit of sorrow that you carried with you. When your brother died that sorrow overtook you and it has yet to let you go. I wish, more than anything on this earth, that I could take some of your pain away. You're heart, your lungs, your ovaries, your knees, your sorrow - I would take all that pain from you if I could, just to see you smile, really truly smile; not for the happiness you show for others good fortune but the happiness you should feel for your own.
I'm sorry if what I've said has upset you in any way. I just love you so much. I value our friendship; we are sisters.
Ok, now I have to get back to work before I start to get watery eyed. I lost my voice again this morning so I'm down to a whisper. How are you feeling?
Me:
I wasn't upset at all, and I knew what you meant.. tough life. I just was wondering how people saw me and what you saw that I have missed to make it rough. It's weird, I don't even feel I have a rough life,because I always thought this is what life was and got immune to it.Yeah I'm sick as a dang dog.

I had a weird dream about my brother last night. He was checking up on me. He called me on the phone and asked how I was doing. I asked the same and asked where he was, he ignored my question and just chatted with me. I then realized he was in a building that I was standing outside of. I looked up and saw him in the window and we started to talk and he told me to go to the corner. I had asked why and he said that they have the best vibrators, they go for like $3000 and I said with that money I want a computer, but it was weird that he said vibrator (must stand for something else), he handed me a whole bunch of change and I said where are you going he didn't answer but we spoke with our minds then and I said to myself oh you're going to work and he said in his mind yes. He was wearing a Barret (hat) and his camouflage pants. It was just so weird, but he was checking up on me and gave me a whole bunch of coins from the window.
do you think you can give your mom a call since i can't make calls, and ask her what does it mean when you dream about a dead person giving you money, but it was change (coins)

Anne:
I'll ask her when she calls me.

Me:
k i hope she calls you today. thanks.

Anne:
She calls me everyday!!

Me:
lol but with my luck today she won't call. I'll bring my cell phone in with me when I eat lunch and ask my mom but i won't tell her about the vibrator part, because that shocked the shit out of me lol and Idon't want to shock the shits out of her.

Anne:
See that's what worries me, you think that life should be like that but it's not supposed to be. You deserve so much happiness, so many wonderful things.

Me:
but I do have wonderful things. I have you and all my other friends, I have my family, I have my precious nieces and nephews, I have a voice that makes me feel so good when I sing and I have beautiful memories of all the people I've lost in my life, though I miss them very much it's only because I was so fortunate to have them in my life. So big deal, I'm not rich nor ever 100% healthy. But I'm alive and have everyone around me. The pain I carry inside, well honestly yeah it has to do with my brother’s death, but not only his death, I've lost a lot of close people in my life and it started when I was very young. You can be dramatized from that as a young kid. Plus, I know there's something in the past that I've blocked out and for the life of me probably will never remember what it is that scarred me. But I try not to even think about that and just try looking forward to eachday as it comes, yeah it always seems things don't go right for me,but though people might not believe in it, it's just mal occio and one day, I'll be free from that, don't know when but one day, and that's what keeps me going.

Anne:
If that's what you think, don't you want to find out what it is your blocking? Wouldn't you want to go talk to someone who can help you deal with it? Don't you think it would alleviate some of the pain you walk around with?
I know you are so blessed with a great family and friends that love you. I said that from the beginning. I just want you to be happy. Again, not the kind of happy you feel for someone else but the kind that you feel when the good things are happening to you. When the spotlight is on you and it's your shining moment. Understand?

Me:
honestly i don't think it's a good idea to find out, I remember that one time with what happened with my uncle, but who knows if there was any other time and if he ever went further and to tell you the truth I really don't want to find out, because it will kill me and make me feel a lot worse.

Anne:
Actually, it makes you feel better. Listen, I denied what happened to me for a long time. When I finally said it and dealt with it, it was like the sun was shining in on me again. It hurts, boy does it ever to relive the bad things that took place but after that pain comes peace.

I spoke with my mom, who spoke with my sister, who called me to tell me that according to Sylvia Brown seeing coins in your dreams means they are telling you they are with you, there for you, always around you.

Me:
Well I know he is, I just really wish he was rather alive than dead,but he will keep me strong and hold me up. Thanks for getting the answer for me. Call Ty maybe they'll give me a house!! LOL

Friday, March 25, 2005


DANILO Posted by Hello

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Can I Get Some Sleep Here Please? (Rome, Italy)

Sunday, March 7th (Still in Rome, Italy)

The next A M we had to prepare ourselves, because Zio Matteo (My father’s bro) was picking us up at 12:30pm. I had a bowl of cereal with soymilk. All groceries I bought. Zio Matteo finally arrived and we ate pranzo (lunch) by his house with Zia Franca. Lunch is a big meal just like dinner. We chatted and then I went on line to blog and chat with some friends on AIM.

Once again time flew and my stomach was empty. Dinner was ready and we ate again! Zia Franca’s brother Mimo and his wife Adriana came over for dinner. They all chatted after we stuffed our piglet face and I chatted on AIM again! What else was I going to do? I said all I could to the elderly and left to talk to my friends in America. We, and I mean my parents and I had a flight the next day to Palermo, Sicily.

Freaking crapper. I couldn’t sleep all night. Zio Matteo put a twin mattress on the floor as Zia made the bed for me in their bedroom where my parents would sleep. So, my parents and I slept in the same room. What a mistake! I thought I was in the middle of a war. With my mother blowing loud farts and snoring so loud I thought the ceiling was going to give. I wanted to get up and get my video camera and record this destruction. Once my mother stopped and made peace, I realized that it was morning and she got up, I fell asleep and as soon as I did, some damn dog outside started barking with a megaphone. I got up and demanded for a gun. Of course I didn’t get one.

The Day After The Funeral

Saturday, March 5th (Rome, Italy)

The plan was to go food shopping today. My mother came into the living room where I slept and yelled at me telling me that it was late! Like it was my fault! No one tried waking me earlier, how the heck am I suppose to know what time it is. My cousin GianLuca and Danilo were already over the house. I had to get up because we had to have lunch. GianLuca and Danilo went to the travel agency to check on either flights or a train ride to Palermo Sicily while I was getting ready.

My mother spoke with Zia Franca on the telephone. Zia Franca found a flight, but my father thought it was too expensive. I was ready, my cousins returned and told us about the prices then we decided to all go. Me, my father and my cousins, to talk to the travel agent before we went food shopping. We went, we spoke we made reservations to depart Rome Monday returning Thursday 191 Euro, about $255 American dollars. My father called my mother on Danilo's cell phone. The travel agent told us to come back Monday to pick up the tickets and we could pay for it then. GianLuca waited in the car. Danilo was parked illegally. Happy with the reservations we thanked the travel agent as she pulled her blinds down. My father asked if they were closing and the travel agent replied that she was hungry. In Rome they close up all shops at 1pm till 3:30. That my friend, is their lunch hour. Don't you wish we had it like that in America? Don't go wishing on a star yet, my cousins get up at 5am and don't get out of work till 8pm.

The supermarket was about 15 to 20 minutes away. We arrived and took a shopping cart from this couple that were leaving next to us. They asked us for "uno euro". Their shopping carts were the ones you lock after your use and then you’ll get your money back. You had to put one euro in it to unlock the cart. My cousin GianLuca gave them the money and we were on our way. Man was it crowded in there. We filled our cart over the rim. I took my debit/ATM/MasterCard out and paid. 150 euro later (200 bucks out of my checking account).

Once we arrived to Zia Giovanna's I started to cut open the bags with a small ass scissor. They tied up the bags so our groceries wouldn't fall out on the ride home. GianLuca left to go walk the dog. I prepared lunch. GianLuca was upset because my aunt said it was going to take to long to cook the fresh ravioli’s I bought. GianLuca was starving, he left and supposedly ate out.

I made pasta with garlic and extra virgin olive oil and fresh parsley and then made spinach with extra virgin olive oil garlic and lemon. I put some olives in a bowl, my aunt had cheese and fruit already on the table with the wine and soda, bread and salad. We all ate lunch like a big happy family, well except for GianLuca. He sat in the kitchen. He came back when we were about to eat lunch. I probably had 3 glasses of wine, let me inform you these glasses are small.

My family always had a joke to share, it kept up our spirits especially my cousins. They needed something to lift their spirits up and lighten their heart. As fast as we at lunch, time raced. It was dinner. I cooked again and made fresh sauce from the tomatoes I bought. I diced them up and put them in a hot pot with the fresh garlic I chopped up with the extra virgin olive oil. Zia Giovanna threw the ravioli in boiling water. I grilled some eggplant and put them in a bowl with fresh garlic, fresh parsley, extra virgin olive oil and vinegar and of course salt and pepper. As you can see I love to cook with extra virgin olive oil and the oil in Italy is to die for. A salad was made and like lunch, cheese, fruit and wine were on the table along with the olives and bread. When everyone was done, I cooked the steaks. Vegetarian who cooks meat, they all laughed at me.

Tony came home late. As he stuffed his face, I told him I cooked everything, he asked why I wasn’t married. My parents, zia Giovanna and Tony and I sat at the table and chatted as I sipped my wine. It was getting even later; Tony had to be up and about at 6am.


Zia Giovanna took the cushions off the couch and laid them on the floor. The couch had a mattress as big as the cushions. She made my bed as I helped. We then made a bed from the cushions on the floor. She slept on the cushions, when I begged her to sleep on the couch.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Continued

I know it’s been a while, but once I got back from Italy I went straight to work and then… well…. I went out. I thought I needed to go out, try and get myself to smile again, laugh again and to be with my friends again. I got back on Sunday March 14th. I went out and stayed out late three nights out of the work week. I thought if I was left alone, I would break. I really felt that I didn’t get a chance to mourn. I had to be strong for my mother. I had to be there for my mother and father. They finally saw their family they haven’t seen in a life time. My father had a chance to see his cousin Giovanni and when we walked through the door they both said how old they got. 32 years had sneaked up right on them. Ok well not sneak up but they let 32 years go by. Even though Giovanni came to America in 76', my father hasn’t been in Palermo for 32 years.

Let me continue the last story that I didn’t get to finish. Zia Pina.

Zia Giovanna came through and Tony and Tamara’s face came to a calm. Me? Well it’s weird; some people either freak out or just freeze when a crazy situation happens. It reminds me of a time when I saved my niece's life. My mother and I were in the kitchen (this is when I lived at home with them) when my niece Eryn was watching television in the living room. She was wearing a pink slipper pajamas (you know those onesies pj’s that have feet) I will never forget that. My mother was by the sink and I was sitting in one of the chairs facing the wall. My niece Eryn came running into the Kitchen with her back on the wall facing me. I think she was four years old at the time. Her mouth was wide open as her face was stricken with fear. She kept grabbing the top of her pajama’s, she couldn’t breathe. My mother stood in shock then started screaming for me to help her. I grabbed Eryn by her hand and brought her to the other side of the table where there was more room. I went down on my knees and put my right hand on her back and my left hand on her stomach right under the middle of rib cage and pushed in and up real hard. The grape, well I think it was a grape or was it an orange, doesn’t really matter, what ever it was came out flying right out her mouth and landed about five feet away. I saved her life. Till this day, I always wondered what would have happened if I wasn’t home that day. Then, I drift those thoughts away because she wouldn’t be here today. My mother would have not known what to do. My mom is like that, she gets scared and just falls into shock. So back to Zia Giovanna.

She sat there in the middle of this cold brick funeral home with her legs straight out and her coat wide open with family watching with tears. She sat up and they walked her outside to get some fresh air. There was a woman who must have been in charge and informed one of my cousins that they were going to send Zia Pina off and to say our last goodbyes. We did and it hurt. Rosalia and I were last to watch them put a steel covering over my aunt and weld it on, then they put the wooden cover over it and drilled 24 screws on it. I counted as they did each one. Zia Pina had a gold slick cross on her coffin. Her name and they used her maiden name was on a gold plaque with her birth and death date. Rosalia and I held each other close as we cried. I watched them take the trolley to the hearse. Two men picked up the coffin and tried to put it into the hearse, but the trolley was in the way. Rosalia tried to move it, but it was still in the way. It was like if my Zia Pina didn’t want to be put in the hearse. I stood there and watched and sulked it all in. I cried more in the inside than the out. In time they put her shell, because her soul is now around all of us, in.

We went to the cemetery and they put her flowers outside the mausoleum, my Zia Pina was going to be put in a wall. One of the workers brought Zia Pina all the way up and pushed her in. I watched and then watched everyone around me. I felt everyones pain and ignored mine. I was overwhelmed. We didn’t want to leave, but we had too. My mother’s pain ripped my heart and knowing that my mother will never see her sister again is killing me slowly and dreadfully. We all picked a flower from the arrangements and put it up high were Zia Pina’s body lives now. She will forever be in my heart and thoughts. She will always be alive in me.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Rome (Zia Pina)

I’m in Rome right now, typing on my uncles computer. This is what happened on Friday March 4th.

I’m sitting on my cousins bed. She excused herself and went to the bathroom. It was pretty cold last night. I slept in bed with my cousin Tamara as her husband slept in the kitchen where they have a pull out divano(couch). I coughed a lot last night and I was hoping it wouldn’t disturb anyone. Her husband had to get up at 3am. I’m assuming he had to go to work and I’m hoping he’ll be at the funeral later on today.

My cousin Tamara finally came out of the bathroom and found me writing this in my little red leather book. I told her about my blog and how I’m anonymous and told her how much I love to write about what is happening around me. I guess it's no secret now that I'm Italian, well actually Sicilian. She smirked and I put my little book into my sleep over bag.

It was raining, it’s cold. My Zia(Aunt) Franca, which is my fathers brother’s wife (my father’s sister in law) told me that this miserable weather has lingered for over two months now. I asked for the sun to give a visit, but the day continued to be gloomy and only to become gloomier. Tamara and I walked down three flight of stairs, I had asked my cousin how the heck she didn’t get dizzy walking down these stairs. She said “Sono abituata” translation “I’m used to it.” After my dizzy spell the slight rain wet my coat. I quickly put my hood on as I walked towards the car. Tamara started her car and told me to get in while she threw the garbage out. They have these big steel dumpsters all over the streets that the garbage men collect every day. They have trucks that back up and have an attachment that picks up the dumpsters. Five minutes later we’re by her mother’s house (Zia Giovanna), where my parents and Zia Giovanna and Zia Franca and my three cousins Tony, GianLuca and Danilo await. Tony who is 30 and Tamara 28 are brother and sister, GianLuca 27 and Danilo 24 are brothers, sons of Zia Pina who just passed away. My cousins were already in Tony’s car as my cousin Tamara pulled some manoeuvre and parked behind Tony. She got out and rang her mothers doorbell. Then we waited. Zia Giovanna (Tamara and Tony’s mother) lives with Tony. Zio Paolo died many years ago. Tamara recently married Ernesto this past June or was it two June’s ago. I can’t remember. She lives about five minutes away.

My two cousins GianLuca and Danilo have no one now. Their father passed away a year and a half ago and now, on March 1st my Zia Pina was on the phone with her son GianLuca and she dropped the phone, GianLuca called out for her but she didn’t respond, he knew there was something wrong. He called the ambulance and sped home. He found his mother laying face down on the floor with blood creeping through the cracks of the tiles. She broke her nose when her face hit the floor.

She was gone.

A massive heart attack had taken my Zia to the unknown world.

I sat in the car as Tamara spoke with her brother and cousins. The front windshield was bathed with raindrops. I kept thinking to myself, “Aren’t they getting wet?”

Tamara told me to get out and join them. I told her I was cold as I got out. The rain was actually not bothersome, it wasn’t raining as hard as I thought. Something told me to turn around. I saw my Zia Franca, parents and Zia Giovanna one by one exiting the house. We waited long enough. Zia Giovana got in Tamara’s Fiatt and I sat in the back seat. Tony, GianLuca and Danilo got back into Tony’s car. My parents and Zia Franca went in Zia Franca’s red Honda Civic, it doesn’t look like the ones we have here in the states. All the cars here are very small. Smaller than our own compact cars. The streets are tight and there is no way a car bigger than a Jetta, and that is too big, can get through.

We drove to the funeral home. I was getting nervous as we started walking the gloomful streets. My hood hugged my head protecting me from the rain. I had to be strong. I had to, for my mother. She hasn’t seen her sisters in 25 years and now she is about to see one of her sisters, Pina, in a coffin. That made me nervous and the utmost miserable feeling in my heart. My mother seemed like a confused little girl. Behind her eyes seemed buried in sorrow. The pain made her pale. I wish I could hold her in my arms like a baby and rock her to sleep. My heart was ripped out of my chest leaving me empty. We finally approached an area that seemed like a short tunnel. This is where my mother embraced her cousins Rosuccia and Sal that she hasn’t seen in 30 years. The strong embrace followed by mournful tears, found my heart and dragged it on the wet Rome streets. I was introduced as the daughter. Gave a kiss on their left and then right cheek. My parents couldn’t let them go. Another person to hug and sob was to come soon. My mother’s friend from childhood, Rosalia, whom I met three and a half years ago when I was last in Rome. Rosalia called me the “Americana” and hugged me, held my hand and was by my side most of the time. She said “Hai cambiato.”, which means “You’ve changed.” Though happy to see one another again at a gathering of my aunt’s passing we felt pain.

We walked through the tunnel and were no longer sheltered from the rain. The cold wind hit me as I tried not to tremble. It was my mother who walked through two large black steel doors. She saw someone walk by in this big open space with a coffin. She turned to me and said she wasn’t ready. My absent heart cringed. We stood out in the rain and discovered my Zia’s flower arrangements on the floor outside the two large black steel doors. They laid on the left hand side. The largest one was beautiful. An array of gorgeous flowers with a ribbon that read “I figli” which means “The children”. My mother searched for the flowers we ordered the day before. My cousin Danilo informed my mother that they would be at the church and they wasn’t any of the ones she was looking at. We all stood out in the rain for about 5 to 10 minutes.

My chest was caving in. I was afraid, afraid for my mother. I didn’t know what to expect. My mother got ot the coffin before I did. This is what I heard. I’ll translate.

“My sister, my sister Pina.”

“I’m here, I’ve finally come to see you.”

“Can you hear me? Say hello to your nephew for me.” She meant her son, my brother.

“I’ve finally come to Rome sister, and I’ve found you here dead.”

She hugged the coffin and laid above her sister. She kept sobbing and talking to her deceased sister. I felt a bullet go through me. The tightness of my chest took my breath. I felt weak and cold. My body felt like it was falling, but I had to be strong. I held my chest and hurled over covering my eyes and mouth with a tissue. I tried to hide the pain. When I caught my breath I went over to my mother and laid over her back holding her tight and cried along. GianLuca stood far from his mothers coffin, he was holding it all insides. My 27 year old cousin left with only a younger brother Danilo who will be 25 in April. Danilo never left his mothers side, adjusting her sleeve caressing her face holding her hand and crying, slowly dying inside. Here in Rome they put a small gift, package in the coffin of the deceased personal things. It was wrapped in paper that was covered in hearts. He put a sewing needle (she’s a seamstress), her glasses, a photo of her when she was younger and a wedding photo and other personal things he couldn’t remember he put.

Her coffin wasn’t like the ones we have in the states. Neither was the funeral home like the ones we have in America. When you walked in, it was all open and cold. The interior was all brick with four openings two on each side. A coffin per each 4 openings. They were put on a hand truck, as everyone stood around. It looked like Draculas coffin. My Zia fit so tightly in it. She wore a beautiful dress that she only wore one time before and that was for Tamara's wedding. A veil covered the entire coffin as it touched her folded hands. Rosuccia had a red rosary that they placed into Zia Pina's fingers. I don't believe in those things, but they did. To watch them put the rosary between my Zia's fingers was painful. How they all put some effort to lay her to rest. Stories were told over my Zia's coffin, then it was time for my Zia Giovanna to talk to her deceased sister Pina. She cried, more like a howl. My mother went right by her side hugging her as Zia Giovanna said,

"You're going to leave me here, all alone. What am I going to do?"

My mother replied that she would never leave her. Then my Zia Giovanna went into some sort of shock. Her body went stiff and her head fell back as her eyes were rolling back. Everyone's face was struck with fear. I quickly went over to the other side of the coffin and grabbed my Zia Giovanna. I think there were four people holding her from behind, I grabbed her by the collor of her coat and told her...

"Zia respira! Respira Zia!"

"Guarda a me Zia, guarda nei miei occhi "

Translation

"Aunt breath! Breath Aunt!"

"Look at me, look at my eyes"

They found a chair and sat her down. I went behind her and held her head up. Tamara and Tony flipped out, they kept calling out for her.

"Mamma, Mamma, Mamma"

They didn't know what to do. I put my frigid hands on her face, trying to wake her up. Rosalia came over and sprayed some perfume up my aunts nose. Rosalia is a nurse. She finally came through. I was afraid for my mother, I only saw my aunt and was blinded from my mother. I didn't know where she was and I was hoping she wasn't falling too. They opened up her coat and try to get her some air. I told everyone to move away she needed room, to let her get some air.

The rest I will type when I get back to America. I’m going to Sicily tomorrow. It’s pass midnight here and everyone is going to bed.