Men have biological clocks too. Oh it’s not the kind you think. Yes and the word THINK is the keyword. Men’s biological clock is for THINKING!! They don’t do any thinking till their biological clock tics, and the age differs with all men. At a certain old ripe age, they think to themselves…
“Holy shit, I think I want to commit.”
“She’s the one.”
“Hey guys, I think I’m going to stay in, I’m done with the club thing.”
“I want a kid.”
“I don’t think I should be sleeping around anymore.”
“I’m young at heart, but it’s time to be a man.”
“I should really start cleaning the house.”
“I should put the toilet seat down when I’m done.”
“I should put my dish in the sink when I’m done eating.”
“I should not leave my dirty clothes on the floor.”
“Enough about me, what about you?”
“I love you.”
“Excuse me, I’m lost. Would you mind telling me how to get to…”
There are so many more. So ladies if you are unsure of your man or your friend or brother just know their biological clock is either broke or not ticking yet.
Friday, February 11, 2005
Thursday, February 10, 2005
What Does It Really Mean?
I don’t know why, but I’ve been having dreams for a while now that my mom has been cheating on my father. The first dream that I can remember was catching her at a place and finding out that she was cheating on my father with another woman. I cried and cried so much in my dream and was torn. I had cried as if someone just died. Then I had more but can’t remember the details. Last night, I had a dream that we were in our old house and my dad was in bed and I had asked him where my mom was, and he didn’t know. I walked into the laundry room which was in the garage and got a message that she went to the movies. I was furious. My mom at the movies? Why? For what? WITH WHO? I knew she was cheating on my father and I felt remorseful for my him. I approached my mom by the dryer and asked her, well really screaming “Who did you go to the movies with?”
She told me to shh and was about to tell me and we got interrupted. I knew right there and then it was with another man and I cried. Cried like if I was mourning once again. It felt so real that when I woke up I was still mad at my mother. My mom is 62, my dad 71, they live in Florida and that’s it. Never would either one cheat on each other. So why do I keep having these nightmares? What does it really mean? These mysterious dreams wake me up scarred, and the haunting part is, that it never happened.
She told me to shh and was about to tell me and we got interrupted. I knew right there and then it was with another man and I cried. Cried like if I was mourning once again. It felt so real that when I woke up I was still mad at my mother. My mom is 62, my dad 71, they live in Florida and that’s it. Never would either one cheat on each other. So why do I keep having these nightmares? What does it really mean? These mysterious dreams wake me up scarred, and the haunting part is, that it never happened.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
I Will Be Found
My four year old niece is just amazing. The most intelligent child I’ve seen so far and it’s not because she’s my niece. There’s something exceptional about her. When she was just a few months old my sister had her in a high chair and put wooden Velcro fruits on the try on the high chair. My sister would separate them and mess them around so they would be scattered. My niece would put them together and put them to the correct other half making a whole fruit. It was amazing to watch. I had said
“She’s a prodigy child.”
So now at 4 she has and has been for years having full conversations. She makes up her own songs and cries to movies. She even has a boyfriend. They hold hands. How cute. I had called her on her birthday, February 1st, and sang Happy Birthday and told her how much I love her, she didn’t say anything. Before she got on the phone my sister was telling her that she can only go over the neighbors for 10 minutes. So when I was done singing and confessing all my love for her she stood quiet.
“Hello, Elizabeth? Did you hear me? I sang Happy Birthday and said I love you.”
“Yeah, I know… but I really have to go now, I only have 10 minutes to go play over by Tom’s.”
I almost fell. I laughed and told her I loved her again.
I can’t really remember if it was before her birthday or after, my youngest brother calls me and when I’m usually on the phone with him he sometimes sings one of my songs I wrote, well only half of the chorus. He sings it so often, my niece picked it up. He put her on the phone and they both sang to me. Now, these lyrics are sure not for a 4 year old to be singing. I almost cried. The greatest feeling about it is that she understands what they meant. From that day on, I tried to remember the song I wrote many years ago. I couldn’t remember for the life of me how it started or the rest of the lyrics. I had to call my brother back a few days later and we both were boggled. Then he said something that triggered just a little of the past. I went nuts to look for the lyrics. I finally found the original that I wrote years ago, the page was already turning yellow and felt so soft. I tried to sing it, but the melody wasn’t there because my brother had the wrong melody and that of course was stuck in my head, it only made it harder to remember what I did with the lyrics. So a week or so later, which ends up being last night, I went looking through my tapes that I had recorded myself singing. You know the one that you make up a melody or just try and sing it like ten different ways and don’t record over any of them? Those. So I put in tape #1 and it was my friend Mia. We decided to send each other audio tapes instead of writing letters to one another in High School. I almost pissed on myself. I called her and we both laughed and couldn’t wait to sit down together to listen to the whole thing. Then I went through so many other tapes and was amazed on how I sounded and the memories it brought back, as I sang along in harmony. Then I found it!! I was so happy and kept rewinding it to my favorite part that I like to harmonize. It was the greatest feeling and while doing all that, I realized, I’m not such a bad song writer, lyricist, and of course an amazing singer. Not to sound conceited, but I impressed myself and that gives you such a rush. I was actually proud of myself and at the same time upset that I have gone nowhere with my music when to me, it’s better than all that crap on the radio. One day I will be found.
“She’s a prodigy child.”
So now at 4 she has and has been for years having full conversations. She makes up her own songs and cries to movies. She even has a boyfriend. They hold hands. How cute. I had called her on her birthday, February 1st, and sang Happy Birthday and told her how much I love her, she didn’t say anything. Before she got on the phone my sister was telling her that she can only go over the neighbors for 10 minutes. So when I was done singing and confessing all my love for her she stood quiet.
“Hello, Elizabeth? Did you hear me? I sang Happy Birthday and said I love you.”
“Yeah, I know… but I really have to go now, I only have 10 minutes to go play over by Tom’s.”
I almost fell. I laughed and told her I loved her again.
I can’t really remember if it was before her birthday or after, my youngest brother calls me and when I’m usually on the phone with him he sometimes sings one of my songs I wrote, well only half of the chorus. He sings it so often, my niece picked it up. He put her on the phone and they both sang to me. Now, these lyrics are sure not for a 4 year old to be singing. I almost cried. The greatest feeling about it is that she understands what they meant. From that day on, I tried to remember the song I wrote many years ago. I couldn’t remember for the life of me how it started or the rest of the lyrics. I had to call my brother back a few days later and we both were boggled. Then he said something that triggered just a little of the past. I went nuts to look for the lyrics. I finally found the original that I wrote years ago, the page was already turning yellow and felt so soft. I tried to sing it, but the melody wasn’t there because my brother had the wrong melody and that of course was stuck in my head, it only made it harder to remember what I did with the lyrics. So a week or so later, which ends up being last night, I went looking through my tapes that I had recorded myself singing. You know the one that you make up a melody or just try and sing it like ten different ways and don’t record over any of them? Those. So I put in tape #1 and it was my friend Mia. We decided to send each other audio tapes instead of writing letters to one another in High School. I almost pissed on myself. I called her and we both laughed and couldn’t wait to sit down together to listen to the whole thing. Then I went through so many other tapes and was amazed on how I sounded and the memories it brought back, as I sang along in harmony. Then I found it!! I was so happy and kept rewinding it to my favorite part that I like to harmonize. It was the greatest feeling and while doing all that, I realized, I’m not such a bad song writer, lyricist, and of course an amazing singer. Not to sound conceited, but I impressed myself and that gives you such a rush. I was actually proud of myself and at the same time upset that I have gone nowhere with my music when to me, it’s better than all that crap on the radio. One day I will be found.
DAMAGED
I love to people watch. The one thing I always come to find is that everyone is damaged. Their soul is damaged. It shows on their surface. It’s either they’ve had a hard day and try to close their eyes to get a few mins. of what they call a nap, but they still don’t look at ease. Then there are those people who just look like misery took over them, their saddened face trying to hide the tears that want to soak them completely. Then there are those people who think that they’re the only one person in the world with problems and just want to give you shit because they’re in a bad mood they can’t ever get out of. Of course I will not forget the people who are just plain old crazy. Not one truly happy soul has walked across my path nor walked along in my path. Am I supposed to feel bad for these people? NO! But I do. I always wanted to just ask them, why do you live your life the way you do? Who is waiting for you at home? No one? A friend? Family? The love of your life or someone you can’t stand? And then there are those people who just stare. Stare right at me as if I can’t see them doing it. I wonder how they see me. Sad, mad, insane, tired or just different. Does anyone ever look at me and have empathy and feel bad for this damaged soul? Some may and some just don’t give a fuck. It’s me who has empathy for everyone around me. I always wanted to have powers to fix all the damaged souls, but I am only human.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
No Pill Going To Cure My Ill
So, I’ve been trying to fight off this stupid what ever it is, I’m thinking it’s a freaking upper respiratory and sinus infection, and it’s NOT WORKING. I’m getting worse by the minute. I had gone to see a Holistic Doctor. $143 later walking out of the place, I was told that I have a legion on my upper lung and my stomach is shot. She said I have a lot of nerves, stress. What the heck am I really stressing about? I’ll tell ya, it’s me getting sick and me getting sick is making me sicker. Make any sense? Ok roofnucker, read it again. Any hoots. My lungs, according to the Holistic Doctors words, looks like smoker lungs. I do not smoke, so you can see how bad it is. She said it’s not good. I’m taking these meds and all it’s making me do is shit more than I already do. That my dear is not a problem. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my regular MD. I’ll let you know what he says.
I’m going to walk in and tell him, “Upper respiratory and sinus infection.”
Then after my full physical, because I’m due for one, he’ll say, “Ehh… once again… you have an upper respiratory and sinus infection.”
I’m going to ask him if I can get some MRI or something better than an X-ray done on my lungs, because I am tired of getting this shit more than twice a winter. Two winters ago I had 5 upper respiratory infections and he thought with that funny look on his face, that it was not a very good thing. Duhh OF COURSE IT ISN’T! Last winter I don’t even remember how many I had, but one of them turned into a bad case of bronchitis and on top of that the flu. Thought I was being called by death. It sucks big hairy balls.
I’m going to walk in and tell him, “Upper respiratory and sinus infection.”
Then after my full physical, because I’m due for one, he’ll say, “Ehh… once again… you have an upper respiratory and sinus infection.”
I’m going to ask him if I can get some MRI or something better than an X-ray done on my lungs, because I am tired of getting this shit more than twice a winter. Two winters ago I had 5 upper respiratory infections and he thought with that funny look on his face, that it was not a very good thing. Duhh OF COURSE IT ISN’T! Last winter I don’t even remember how many I had, but one of them turned into a bad case of bronchitis and on top of that the flu. Thought I was being called by death. It sucks big hairy balls.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Suffocating
I found anger. I found it living deep inside me. Anger built from no one understanding and not listening to me. I just want to cry because that is what it feels like inside me. An ocean of cries and me being drowned in it. What is it that is so different about me that no one can get? Why do I have to repeat and not finish my sentences? Why am I loved so much? Why do I have answers for everyone else and nothing for myself? I’ve been fooled. I’ve been fooled by my own self. I thought I was strong. On the contrary I’m not and far from it. I have to stop! I just smudged the word strong. Today, I’ve had an even now I’m enduring pain in my ovaries. Why am I cramping? I shouldn’t. I don’t have my period and haven’t for over 3 years. Is it the birth control pills I swallow every single living morning fucking with me? Is it that? Making me feel the way I do? Is that what has been prescribed to me to blind me from my strength? A man across from me watches me as I write in my black paged book. Why? Can he see? See what’s really going on in me? Can anyone see it? I live each day as it comes to me. I’m going on with my life.
Is it really the death of my brother of ten years that is ruling my life? Is it true that I did not grieve properly? I thought I did. Why is it so wrong for it to still hurt? Why does pain make time stand still? Am I really an undiagnosed Posttraumatic Stress victim? I don’t know. Is that what it is? How do I throw away all the negativity that has been glued on me? Why must evil hover over me? All I’m surrounded by are the dead. I was told death walks with me. What is grieving, really? Yes, everyone has their own way, but what is it really? The curse of no love and no money. The life I’ve lived and will live till I… till I what? I don’t know. Where’s the happiness? I know it’s in here somewhere. I can feel it, but this anger, emptiness, pain and loneliness has conquered over it. I need to dig it out, buried under all that. Do I honestly need to see a therapist who will tell me the same thing I would tell myself? I’ve had much practice at it. Being the therapist. Is that what my career is supposed to be? What happened to my music? Its swims in my veins. It’s taking to long to happen. Will it ever? It brings me down.
How to get butterflies to flee inside me for a man that I can never be with! He’s gone on. I’m slowly. There are days when I’ve let go completely, but then some stupid memory flashes in my mind and my heart starts to flutter. How do you erase someone? But that’s just another thing put on my over filled plate. It’s wobbling and I have to control it. I was thinking, that maybe I just need to go away somewhere alone. Go somewhere where everyone is a stranger to me. Faces I’ve never seen ever. You know, find the woman, the little girl that I lost long ago. I can try and find them among the other lost strangers.
I’m standing here now on the train engulfed into the corner. I feel hidden amongst this over crowded train with people who are going to work. What is wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? I don’t know, I thought this is what normal was, nothing wrong with being normal, right? I put on my new contacts this morning. I can see clear now. I’m hoping it’s time now, for me to see things clearer, distinguishing all these faults that make me me. Dissecting them and get rid of all the crap that doesn’t belong and sew it back up and make the brand new me. The me that’s meant to be here. I’m exhausted from being tired. It’s weakened my soul.
My childhood isn’t so much of a memory. I don’t remember the hanger that went through my pinkie. I don’t remember going to Europe at 4 years old. I don’t remember falling on a suit case buckle and being rushed to the hospital. The doctor told my mother that I was very close in damaging my uterus. It went inside me. Shouldn’t I remember something like that? A child bleeding in pain from her private part. I don’t. I don’t remember always cracking jokes and swirling around singing. When I saw the video I couldn’t believe it was me.
I had said “Wow, I guess I never changed.”
I don’t remember any birthday cakes as a child. I found out that I used to take my shirt off and do karate chops and that I always did it. The photograph was evidence. I don’t remember a lot of things, but I do remember those things because my mom told me when I was an adult all about it. I hardly remember elementary school, lucky enough to remember JR HIGH, but I do remember hitting a home run. The ball went over the fence. I remember almost breaking my knee in gym class in JR HIGH. I was on first (Kickball), I went to steal second and when the girl kicked the ball, it found its way to my feet and I did a somersault. I landed on my left knee. I remember hearing a big loud bang and my gym teacher coming over to me telling everyone to step away.
“Are you ok?”
I thought I was fine until I had to get up. She put me in her office and put ice on it. I remember that.
And here I am, suffocating under a pillow of questions. My life is the way it is, not only because of how my brothers death affected me nor is it the sleepless nights, nor the feeling buried in me for the man who’s not for me. It’s not only all the love that everyone gives me. It’s not only me not being fully satisfied at my job nor my music not being heard the way I want it to be, to be that singer hidden away in the closet. It’s all in one.
Is it really the death of my brother of ten years that is ruling my life? Is it true that I did not grieve properly? I thought I did. Why is it so wrong for it to still hurt? Why does pain make time stand still? Am I really an undiagnosed Posttraumatic Stress victim? I don’t know. Is that what it is? How do I throw away all the negativity that has been glued on me? Why must evil hover over me? All I’m surrounded by are the dead. I was told death walks with me. What is grieving, really? Yes, everyone has their own way, but what is it really? The curse of no love and no money. The life I’ve lived and will live till I… till I what? I don’t know. Where’s the happiness? I know it’s in here somewhere. I can feel it, but this anger, emptiness, pain and loneliness has conquered over it. I need to dig it out, buried under all that. Do I honestly need to see a therapist who will tell me the same thing I would tell myself? I’ve had much practice at it. Being the therapist. Is that what my career is supposed to be? What happened to my music? Its swims in my veins. It’s taking to long to happen. Will it ever? It brings me down.
How to get butterflies to flee inside me for a man that I can never be with! He’s gone on. I’m slowly. There are days when I’ve let go completely, but then some stupid memory flashes in my mind and my heart starts to flutter. How do you erase someone? But that’s just another thing put on my over filled plate. It’s wobbling and I have to control it. I was thinking, that maybe I just need to go away somewhere alone. Go somewhere where everyone is a stranger to me. Faces I’ve never seen ever. You know, find the woman, the little girl that I lost long ago. I can try and find them among the other lost strangers.
I’m standing here now on the train engulfed into the corner. I feel hidden amongst this over crowded train with people who are going to work. What is wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? I don’t know, I thought this is what normal was, nothing wrong with being normal, right? I put on my new contacts this morning. I can see clear now. I’m hoping it’s time now, for me to see things clearer, distinguishing all these faults that make me me. Dissecting them and get rid of all the crap that doesn’t belong and sew it back up and make the brand new me. The me that’s meant to be here. I’m exhausted from being tired. It’s weakened my soul.
My childhood isn’t so much of a memory. I don’t remember the hanger that went through my pinkie. I don’t remember going to Europe at 4 years old. I don’t remember falling on a suit case buckle and being rushed to the hospital. The doctor told my mother that I was very close in damaging my uterus. It went inside me. Shouldn’t I remember something like that? A child bleeding in pain from her private part. I don’t. I don’t remember always cracking jokes and swirling around singing. When I saw the video I couldn’t believe it was me.
I had said “Wow, I guess I never changed.”
I don’t remember any birthday cakes as a child. I found out that I used to take my shirt off and do karate chops and that I always did it. The photograph was evidence. I don’t remember a lot of things, but I do remember those things because my mom told me when I was an adult all about it. I hardly remember elementary school, lucky enough to remember JR HIGH, but I do remember hitting a home run. The ball went over the fence. I remember almost breaking my knee in gym class in JR HIGH. I was on first (Kickball), I went to steal second and when the girl kicked the ball, it found its way to my feet and I did a somersault. I landed on my left knee. I remember hearing a big loud bang and my gym teacher coming over to me telling everyone to step away.
“Are you ok?”
I thought I was fine until I had to get up. She put me in her office and put ice on it. I remember that.
And here I am, suffocating under a pillow of questions. My life is the way it is, not only because of how my brothers death affected me nor is it the sleepless nights, nor the feeling buried in me for the man who’s not for me. It’s not only all the love that everyone gives me. It’s not only me not being fully satisfied at my job nor my music not being heard the way I want it to be, to be that singer hidden away in the closet. It’s all in one.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
All By MYSELF
I went out Saturday night with my friends and had an awesome time. Got lost getting there and got lost getting home. I wasn't driving, but even if I was and didn't have any directions I would have gotten us all lost too. We finally got back into the neighborhood at 6am and decided to go for breakfast. When I slipped into my bed the clock showed it was 6:40am. By the time I fell asleep it was already day light, actually it was already getting light when I walked into my apartment from what I saw looking through the blinds of my door in the kitchen to the back yard. Today, I get an e-mail from my friend Sandrah.
S: So, how was Saturday night?
C: It was good. Small and they can smoke there, so I couldn't dance for to long, my asthma kicked in and now I'm suffering even more.
S: Nice. meet anyone?
C: Actually yes I did, but I had no interest. LOL. I met the drummer. He performed with Timmy and the guys from that. The rest where annoying bopping retards and the others were my friends. Hmmm maybe you should meet this guy Geoffrey. You know hang out. LOL. You'll have a ball. He's one of my friends. Kind of resemble Ty Pennington.
S: Why dont u ever have an interest??Yea u mentioned the Ty look-alike - I dont think so lol. As friends sure. we can all hang out.
C: Yeah that's what i meant. He's really fun to hang out with. Well the drummer wasn't really my type, not like I have a type. But he was short and looked very young. I was just having fun. I was dancing with him. Why do I have to always be interested in every guy I meet? I'm just going out to have a good time. If someone does strike me of interest it'll happen on it's own not me going out looking for it.
S: I know ur not looking for it, but everytime u go out & meet someone - he's not ur type lol. Is anyone ever going to interest you? Why dont you try americansingles.com ....?
C: HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NO! NO THANK YOU. I'm fine all by myself. I've got other priorities in my life and it's my music and finding my happiness with my everyday life. I've been single my entire life and I've lived with out a relationship. I'm fine, really. Funny idea, but it's not for me. Time will bring someone to me and when it does I'll be happy with it.
S: Ok :)
And that was it. My talk on not wanting to find anyone interesting. I'm fine, really, all by myself.
S: So, how was Saturday night?
C: It was good. Small and they can smoke there, so I couldn't dance for to long, my asthma kicked in and now I'm suffering even more.
S: Nice. meet anyone?
C: Actually yes I did, but I had no interest. LOL. I met the drummer. He performed with Timmy and the guys from that. The rest where annoying bopping retards and the others were my friends. Hmmm maybe you should meet this guy Geoffrey. You know hang out. LOL. You'll have a ball. He's one of my friends. Kind of resemble Ty Pennington.
S: Why dont u ever have an interest??Yea u mentioned the Ty look-alike - I dont think so lol. As friends sure. we can all hang out.
C: Yeah that's what i meant. He's really fun to hang out with. Well the drummer wasn't really my type, not like I have a type. But he was short and looked very young. I was just having fun. I was dancing with him. Why do I have to always be interested in every guy I meet? I'm just going out to have a good time. If someone does strike me of interest it'll happen on it's own not me going out looking for it.
S: I know ur not looking for it, but everytime u go out & meet someone - he's not ur type lol. Is anyone ever going to interest you? Why dont you try americansingles.com ....?
C: HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NO! NO THANK YOU. I'm fine all by myself. I've got other priorities in my life and it's my music and finding my happiness with my everyday life. I've been single my entire life and I've lived with out a relationship. I'm fine, really. Funny idea, but it's not for me. Time will bring someone to me and when it does I'll be happy with it.
S: Ok :)
And that was it. My talk on not wanting to find anyone interesting. I'm fine, really, all by myself.
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