My Dream

I don’t know if it was this morning or last night that I had this weird ass dream. Well I’ll tell you a bit of it, because honestly I can’t remember the sequence of it. All I can tell you that it had to do with a hotel, that supposedly was an old house turned into a hotel that my aunt owned long ago as her home. I went to the basement and found all old things, like my aunts dolls. It smelled too. Like an old basement. When I went down the stairs it was dark and there was only a shed of light on a few items that I could see like the dolls, there were so many things around. My mom and my cousin (who is the daughter of my aunt who owned this house) were in my dream talking about how they went on one of those thingies. I guess we went skiing, because in my dream I saw a mountain full of snow and well people skiing. So instead of the lift we saw one of those little I can’t remember what they are called right now, but a buggy on wire in mid air. They were talking about how they wouldn’t ever get back on one of those things again because it scared the shit out of them. I told them it was no big deal that I go on them all the time, but I was referring to the real lift and not that closed in bullshit buggy. So we saw all this from a window. I think before all that I was on some sort of school bus or a piece of shit ragged bus. One of my other cousins was with me and when we went into this house/hotel, we felt at home, but we had to figure out if we wanted to share a room with two twin beds or get our own rooms, since we over heard (by the way there was no one there) people discussing how they were going into their own room. My cousin had a crazy idea of a king size bed and I told her that they have one. She got so excited so we ended up sharing a room instead of getting our own. In my dream, I felt that there was a special someone there and that in my heart I could feel him in the hotel somewhere, but I don’t think I ever got to see him.

Tonight, in real life, my cousin who was in my dream who shared a room with me came over. My roommate had rented, well he has net flex, some movies. We watched Blade Trinity together; me, my roommate and his girlfriend and then my cousin came toward the end of the movie and ended up on my comp to check her e-mail. When the movie was over I joined her. She was looking up Junior Bridesmaid dresses. I’m her maid of honor. I’ve been the one going all over with her looking for dresses I can’t believe she’s getting married my little cousin. It’s such an honor that she picked me as maid of honor.
Anyhoots, so after looking at some dresses we decided to go into the living room and watch the other movie my roommate had. We watched Maid In Manhattan.

Let me tell you, I thought I was going to vomit. There is no way in this fucking world someone so rich and famous could fall in love with just a normal being who has nothing as soon as they lay eyes on them. It was a fantasy dream movie. It actually made me sick and well depressed. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I had my days when I was actually talking to someone who was famous. I could forget him now though. He got married. Asshole! It was 1:30 or so in the morning. My cousin had to walk home and well I was worried so I told her to call me on my house phone and talk to me while she was walking home. She finally went through her doors and we hung up. I went on line to check my mail. I remembered part of my dream and called her back and told her

“Remember that dream I told about earlier today?”

“Yeah”

“Well isn’t it funny that tonight we sat and watched a movie about a maid in a HOTEL.”

“Yeah, that’s weird.”
“Well okay, I love you, I thought to tell you that.”


Well I know I started my blog with Today, but it was actually yesterday because I got a phone call last night while typing this and couldn’t finish blogging so I continued today. I went to MyJellyBean.com to look up some definition of my dream. Here it goes.

Hotel
Hotel dreams suggest the dreamer needs to learn a new way to think about an old problem in order to solve it.

Ski
Dreaming that you are skiing, suggests that you are pushing yourself and putting your mental and/or physical ability to the test. You are your own fiercest competitor. Also see "Ski Lift", below.

Ski Lift
To dream of riding a ski lift predicts happiness and prestige through hard work. If you fell off the lift in your dream, there will be difficult obstacles on the road to achieving your goals.

Basement
To dream that you are in a basement, symbolizes your unconscious mind and intuition. If the basement is clean and neat, you are happy and well-adjusted. If the basement is dark and spooky or messy and dirty, you are unhappy with your life right now.

Doll
Dreaming of a doll means someone is being dishonest with you in real life.

Bus
To dream of a bus means you've been going along with the crowd and need to start acting on your own decisions. If you missed your bus in the dream, you may feel that others are leaving you behind socially or emotionally. You are having difficulty in achieving your personal goals. To dream that you are in a bus accident, signifies that you will find yourself in an embarrassing situation.

BUT I DIDN'T!

Today my friend, I started to clean my yard again. Well this time I had the choppers/clippers you know those big scissors. I already had whacked all the weeds and my body is still reminding me all about it, but today, I think I got bit by every Tom, Dick and Harry bug out there. Ohhhh and the thorns, those mother fuckers hurt like a big fucking bitch. My yard is between these two houses. On my right is a Polish family who have a grandson who’s probably around 8 and on my left hand side is an Italian family who have two boys one who is 5 and the other is like 8 or 9. When I whacked the shit out those weeds, I found so many toys, even a damn potato, I thought I was growing potatoes; I was so excited for no reason. It was the kids throwing it to one another across my yard. Why can’t they toss money around? That, I would not return. What is in my yard is mine now.

The polish boy next door, I mean I know he’s a kid, but gosh I just want to toss him across to the next neighborhood. Here I am doing my yard work, getting the work out of the year and HE KEEPS calling for me with his accent.

“EHXCUSE MEEEEEEEEEEEEE”

At first I was fine with it, but after a billion fucking times in a matter of half a minute it starts to burn a fucking hole in my head. It starts sounding so damn whiny. He’s up to mischief that little boy. I can see it right through him. He’s a wise ass and he thinks he’s smooth about it. He puts that I’m a foreign boy who doesn’t know better act. Well that shit is not going to fly my way. I can’t get any work done with this kid asking every damn second if I can get something for him that I chopped off or whacked. He then insults the little 5 year old next door.

“DUMB ASS”

How I wanted to rip him a new asshole. Who does this kid think he is? I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have any patience. I told him that it wasn’t nice to say those words, he knew and just smirked. So after, I give this kid all the branches in the world I had clipped off the trees. I hated it, but I took most of the dead ones off. The back of my yard looked like a jungle. Once he started up I told him that I would take them away from him and then 5 minutes later he calls the poor 5 year old a dumb ass.

So besides every freaking second with the

“EHXCUSE ME”

he knew he was busting my balls. So I decided to tell him that I can’t do it I have a lot of work to do. This kid just wouldn’t stop.

The 9 year Italian boy comes out side to greet me. He asked me if I had seen his turtle because he had found two in my yard and now one was missing and think that it ran away. So I told him that if I found it I would let him know. I told him it might be here in the back (a.k.a. jungle)

My yard is now lumpy. It has a few good piles of whacked weeds and clipped branches. My very first pile that I had created a few days ago was only two feet away from me. Alas, the turtle came out of the pile. I couldn’t believe it. It’s like it knew we were talking about it. I screamed the little Italian boy’s name out and I told him I found his turtle to come over the fence and get it, but he had no shoes on. So I had to grab the sucker myself. Mr. Wise Ass sees me giving the Italian boy the turtle and squeals for it. I told him that it wasn’t his and it belonged to the other boy. He pouts. That made me feel so glorious. That disappointment in his eyes that showed me that he didn’t get his way. It was beautiful. So the Italian boy puts it by the other turtle’s side. As he did that, I thought about the day I was whacking the weeds when something moved in the jungle (the mighty jungle the turtle sleeps tonight). I thought it was a mouse and had my roommate come to the yard and check out the situation. I thought I was going to shred the mouse apart and get squirted with its guts. It never happened.

Little Mr. Wise Ass has the nerve to tell me if the turtle comes back into my yard to give it to him. I said that I couldn’t, that it belonged to the other boy and that would be a question he would have to ask him. See, he didn’t ask me he told me to give it to him. Unbelievable. Can I snap his neck? He sat down with his back towards me. Glory halleluiah. Ok atheists don’t sing that do they? Ok well then what about I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it, I’m about to lose control and I think I like it ohhh yeahhhh. Well this little up to no good boy kept bugging the fucking shit out of me and while I was trying to rake up all the fucking thorn branches from my rose tree, he decides to put in his

“EHXCUSE ME”

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh “

“WHUT HAPPENED?”

“I GOT A THORN IN MY LEG”

“OH IT MUST BE IN REAL DEEP”

My fist down your throat is going to be deep you annoying little fucker, it’s your fault the thorn is in my leg, stop bothering me fucker.
Well that’s what I wanted to say. But I didn’t!

The Little Retard In Me

Ewww, so because I really don’t have anything else better to do rather than sleep at 1:18am I go on line and play Family Fued on Uproar.com. So much fun. Anyhoots. He had his away message up all day today, not that I noticed, but unfortunately I still have not taken him off my buddy list, which I should. I guess there’s this little retard that lives inside me that is hoping that he would snap out of his “I’m a fucking idiot that can’t be a man” and IM me. I mean a friendship is all I want. What is wrong with me? I say that a lot don’t I? It’s like I hate him. I see that he’s on line and he doesn’t even bother to acknowledge that we spoke and hung out just over a week ago and we’ve known each other for over 13 years. I did give him the send off with the briefness IM, but I think he’s too stupid to understand that I was telling him off and goodbye. It just boggles me how someone can just stop talking to someone. It tortures me to see his name on my buddy list, but something is keeping it there. Like I said the little retard in me. I said my goodbye, but I guess the retard in me still hasn’t let go.

Small Face The Clown

Small Face came over tonight. He has his own little thing going on to make extra money and that my friend is… being a CLOWN or should I say entertainer? He’s the guy who’s behind those costumes, the clown making the balloons, the guy doing the funny dances at a kid’s birthday party and gets paid for it. So, since I’m out of work and he’s my friend, he wants to help me out as I want to help him. He said I was perfect. I’m definitely a clown. I can be a PRINCESS or WONDER WOMAN.

I had my first lesson in balloon making tonight, and I did pretty darn good. Now the thing is, I have to remember how to make them. He’s going to drop off a paint facing book so I can paint all those kids up. I told him that I would practice on my nieces and nephews when I get to Florida. They are all there visiting my parents. Well not all of them but most of them.

I put all the balloons we made in a huge clear recycling bag, that my cat now is scrambling through. There was this one particular balloon we were making and as a joke I twisted it a certain way and said look a mosquito. I had them piled up on my living room area rug. My cat decides to pick the one balloon in the middle of the pile with her mouth and brings it to the futon. I took a sneak peak and noticed she picked the mosquito. How funny is that? If she’s not chasing a real bug, she’s chasing for the balloon one. It’s amazing, how their mind works.
All I kept thinking was this will be fun, but I really don’t want to go to a party where someone will notice me. I mean they see me in a clown outfit twisting balloons and making children laugh. It’s sort of awkward. Heck, if I can make people laugh, it makes me feel good. One of the most beautiful sounds is children’s laughter. A remedy to a lost soul.

This is one of the photos I had taken for my birthday invite I was working on. Obviously because I'm anonymous I cropped my face off 

His friendship came back BRIEFLY

That friend from the past that came back into my life has just left. I said my goodbye to him over IM.

“Well the briefness was nice. I see you don't have time. Maybe we can be brief again in two years. It was nice talking to you Leo.”

I don’t understand why people are retarded. I mean what is so hard with keeping a promise of calling someone when you say

“I’ll call you later” or “I’ll call you tomorrow”

If your intentions are not to call me then don’t say you will. I kissed the stupid man. Maybe I scared him off, but I left it as a friendly thing. We IM’d each other after that and he seemed to be ok. I had asked him to come hang out with me, Mia and Hope at a bar. He said he would let me know, that he wasn’t sure if he had to go into work. I IM’d him if he couldn’t make it that we should hang out another night. He seemed to have liked that idea.

On my way there, I called and left him a message (of course he didn’t pick up) telling him if he wanted to come this is where place would be. He never called me back. I figured he went to work. No big deal. I was just being nice to invite him. I got home around 2:30 in the morning; since I figured he was at work I was going to leave him a message that he missed out on a good time. Much to my surprise he picked up.

“Hey, you picked up”

“Yeah, why not?” (something like that)

“Oh, I was going to leave you a message saying that you missed out on a good time, but you picked up.”

“Really, are you ok?”

“Yeah I’m fine and that’s weird, because I had our infamous drink (Long Island Iced Tea with out the coke and Peach Schnapps instead) and a shot of 252 and two other shots, and I’M FINE!”

I heard him typing.

“You’re typing, are you on the computer?”

“Yeah, are you going on line?”

I laughed “Am I going on line? Ha noooo way.”

“Alright, so then I’ll call you tomorrow…”

and as he was saying that I was saying

“Oh alright…

then he kept talking saying “I’ll talk to you then.”

I continued after my "OH alright" over him “well you have a good night.”

I realized I was talking to dead air. He hung up right after he said

“I’ll talk to you then.”

Ahhh I hate that shit, that was so fucking rude!!! I do not tolerate that. He didn’t even say bye. I hate that bullshit.

So I tried to go on line to tell him that it was rude. I couldn’t get on line, my fucking Verizon DSL was messed up. I took it as a sign. He must have been talking to some chick on line and it was more important to chat with her rather than talking to a friend for two minutes on the phone.

Well I never got that call and that was the middle of last week he said he would call. So I tried IM’ing him again and well he never replied. I called him that other night leaving a message if he wanted to get something to eat, he never called back. I thought he might have been busy. On the contrary but in my mind somewhere, I was also thinking he was avoiding me. So I IM’d him tonight.

“Are you going to talk to me?”

He never replied. So time past and I wrote him again.

“Well the briefness was nice. I see you don't have time. Maybe we can be brief again in two years. It was nice talking to you Leo.”

He never replied, so this was my goodbye.

Till They Die Out!

It’s hot as fuck, and tomorrow is supposed to be even hotter. Mia came over tonight and helped with my photos. I posed. She took the photographs. Now that’s a big help. I’m going to run to the photo shop tomorrow morning and get these sons of bitches developed as quickly as possible. I hope there’s at least one that I can use for my invite and I hope it’s not too late for everyone to get the invitation. I would be so bummed out about it. Since my life seems to be sucking right now this will make it worse, you know, that not a lot of people will show up. I don’t even have the guest list set up. I’m going to have to do that tomorrow too. Why is it that every year when it’s close to my birthday, I get so depressed? Well I can tell you why last year and this year’s reason. Drum roll please… it’s because I had no job and now again have no job. I mean I know a lot of people think they have no luck in life and it’s all miserable, but it just seems to me that each year is getting worse. I am waiting for one good year. Where I can be happy with my life. All the other years, well it took me I think 5 years after my brother passed away to celebrate my birthday again. It was too hard for me knowing he wasn’t here for my birthday and well my birthday didn’t seem so important enough to me anymore. Uhh… here I go again writing about depressing shit.

I’m trying to go to Florida to visit the family. I can’t get tickets until my niece’s mother gets back to me. Cia Fai??? I had gone to the beach and well now have a decent tan, so when I get to Florida I’m going to work on my Sicilian roots and become black. I can’t wait to eat my mothers cooking. The funny part is when I get there; I end up doing a lot of the cooking. The beaches there are so beautiful. The sand is like baby powder; you never burn your feet on it, because it always stays cool. People bring the volleyball and play by the nets. I once asked to play with strangers, and it was so much fun. I used to play in High School for four years. I loved it! I still have the trophies somewhere. My coach always loved my serves. She called it the bomb serve. It would go up really high and come down real hard out of nowhere. I once left the imprint of the ball on a teammates arms in practice one day. I almost broke another girls nose on my team in practice one day too. My serves came down real hard. I miss those days. Beach volleyball is different though. I think it’s harder. It’s harder to move around, but diving for the ball is so much easier. I tend to do that a lot at the beach. I can’t wait to play volleyball.

When I get to Florida, I know my parents are going to give me that speech about moving down there with them. That is a conversation I do not need to have. It will only make me more upset. I don’t want to live there at all. It’s nice to visit and that’s about it. I’m going crazy here at home, but I can just hold out till my birthday party and then out I go. Florida here I come. Then I’ll miss home miserably and want to go back. I’m going to miss my cat too. I wish I could take her with me, but those airlines want so much fucking money just to bring a damn pet with you, when it’s not even taking up a seat, plus my cat might not take the flight very well, so I wouldn’t want to put her in that predicament. Speaking of my cat, she was scratching on my bedroom door wanting to come in while I was getting my photos taken. This cat loves me so much she came right up on my bed with me and well didn’t want to get off. So of course I ended up taking a few shots with her. She is so precious.
Animals, it’s crazy how they can love you so much no matter what. They will never leave you. It’s like the perfect relationship. My cat always follows me around and well she knows when I’m not feeling well or depressed. She comes to my side and just looks at me as if she understands what I’m going through. I just want to squeeze her, but she doesn’t like that very much, so then after squeezing her and give her kisses she leaves to another room, but comes right back. I love my cat. I just wish one day I can find that kind of love she gives me in a man. Wishful thinking I know. Heck as long as there are stars out there I will be wishing on them till they die out.

MInd? Where are you?

The absent feeling in my head keeps me adrift from my heart and my heart is looking for help from my mind. I can’t think straight lately. My thoughts are engulfed with what needs to be done. Like cleaning my fridge. I have no strength to even motivate myself to doing anything, but just think with my heart because my mind is fucking lost somewhere. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been told that I get very talkative when I drink a bit and my emotions are well “HELLO OUT THERE!” not like if they aren’t sober. They just seem to come out louder when I’m buzzed. Well that’s how I feel now, BUZZED. I have my birthday coming up and I wanted to create a beautiful invite of an artistic half nude photograph of me. I still haven’t got around to take the photos. I want to have my party in 12 days. I need to send this invite out now, but I can’t with out the photo. Then it’s the money situation. I have to take money out of my lousy savings. I have to whack the weeds in my yard. I have to find a job. I have to find a ticket to Florida for me and my niece for the 27th of this month and I can’t get in touch with her mother to do so. I started to talk to an old friend again, which by the way has not called me when he said he would. I just get that feeling that he’s avoiding me again. It just might be my over analyzing, but that’s not what my heart is telling me since my fucking mind isn’t here to help clear things. Then it’s my bills and how my unemployment check just doesn’t do it. I feel lost. I feel like everything around me is so far out of reach and dark. Even when I eat, after I’m done I feel intoxicated. There is def. no liquor in there at all. What is going on with my body? I guess I’m just lonely and my heart is feeling it big time that it has pushed my mind out of the way. I think I’m going to vomit.

Why Do I Wait?

So why do we wait, wait for someone who we want to hear from call us, IM us e-mail us? Are we fucking idiots? They don’t give two shits about picking up the phone to call or hit those keys on the board. It fucks up your whole day. Like if you plan your day according to that contact. Like this for instance, I call this dude and leave him a message saying, well this is also with him telling me he was going to call me the other day and never did.

“Hey, it’s me CiaFai, I’m hungry and I was wondering what you were doing and wanted to see if maybe you would want to go out for a bite to eat or maybe some dessert. I promise to be a good girl this time. Call me, I’m home.”
So like a fucking idiot, I wait. I wait for the call back. I sit at my computer trying to figure out how to put other bloggers links on my blog so you readers can read up on them too. I mean I could have just called another friend and asked them if they wanted to get a bite out to eat. But nooooooooooo, I didn’t. I wanted to go with him and why? Who the fuck knows, maybe the curiosity of why he hasn’t called me when he said he would and thought getting together would just be fun. Any hoots, I sit and can’t get the shit to work on my comp so I emailed a fellow blogger to help me. He did it for me and in the meantime my stomach was screaming for its life. I needed to eat. It was over an hour that I called the dude, still no call back. I contemplate on opening the stinky fridge I need to clean. I hold my breath and open the fridge door. Oh look… left over egg-fried rice. So I put it in the microwave for 2 minutes. I like my food real hot. I inhale it and realize as I’m typing this that I’m still hungry, hoping he’d still call. Maybe he’ll call real late. Maybe not, but why do I wait? AND NO… I DO NOT LIKE HIM LIKE THAT! Well not yet.

I AM WOMAN!

There is one thing I do not understand and it’s MEN. What is up with men? I’ve found that there are so many men out there who are not loyal to their relationship. I’ve found myself not wanting to be in a relationship because; I’m sickened by all the cheating I see. It’s all around. I haven’t really met one guy out there who is truly in love and loyal to their mate. Except for my family and besides them the only one that I have really seen that has a true relationship is my cousin and her fiancé. I guess that would be considered family. Why do I make these men make feel that I can’t trust any man out there? Then there are men like this dodo I met the other night. My friend told me that he thought I was cute, and get this… I’m the one who has to make the move to start talking to him. Like he’s fucking 15 or something. The thing I don’t get is he’s to shy to come and talk to me, but he has no trouble approaching other girls. He approaches them and dances with them and well…flirts big time with them, but with me, it’s always a fucking game. Not that I was interested, it’s the mentality that fucking pisses me off. I’m not a teenager. I am a woman! Treat me like one!