Stress is....

Stress is a fucking killer. It will make you think you are insane and either drive you to being a dumb ass or just a zombie. The other day, as I got off the phone with Ann I walked pass the mirror on the wall behind my computer. I already knew my eyes were red and puffy and my hair was a disaster. So, I didn't bother to look in the mirror but envisioned myself grabbing my hair and grabbing a scissors and chopping my hair off. When I was on the phone with Ann I found myself on the floor in my bedroom using my pajama shirt as a tissue for my nose. As I lifted my shirt to my nose, I felt like a skeleton. I also realized it when I was on the computer earlier that day, and in the middle of an aggravated breakdown I took my hands off the keyboard and made a fist with each hand and had them side-by-side. My hands looked so small and boney.

Mia thinks I should see someone. A therapist, that is. I’m totally against those people, because I know my mind and know myself. I’m usually everyone’s therapist. She said it would be good for me to talk to someone who doesn’t know me and can’t judge me. I was thinking more of helping find what I’ve blocked. I’ve been contemplating on swallowing that pill Mia gave me. She says it calms you down. I’m also against that. I have it on top of my stereo’s speaker just incase I have a crazy breakdown. I didn’t know it was there till I cleaned up my room the other day. I had my baby blue feather earrings hiding them.

Lately, I’ve been falling into a phase. At first I was angry that I lost my job, (news flash… I still am) confused and just not feeling well. I’ve tried to do things that make me happy, like surround myself with my friends and family or go to the studio. At the end of the day when I get home, it all waits for me and hits me as I open my door. The wind gets knocked out of me every single time I open the door. My bed is haunted. It calls for me and has its arms open. I avoid it till it’s real late, or should I say early in the morning, to go to sleep. That only keeps me up and once I do fall, I have nightmares. I had a communion to go to… I know… I know I’m atheist, but it was family, I have to respect their beliefs. I was having this horrible dream about being in a store that my friends wanted to try some clothes on; they left and went into the dressing room with out telling me. Like if they were avoiding me, I wasn’t part of the clique. I got upset, but waited outside for them. They took forever so I decided to walk around and found myself in a lounge like bar. I saw my purse hanging on one of the chairs and grabbed it. I opened it and searched for my cell. It wasn’t there. I was so upset. Mad at my friends because they left it there unattended to only avoid me. I started to flip the fuck out. Most of the people left the place; I tried having the people who worked there look for my phone. I called my cell with the lounges phone. A guy picks up. He couldn’t have been any older than 17. I yelled at the kid and told him that he had my phone that he better give it back. He wouldn’t give it to me because he supposedly bought it off some guy at the lounge. I was mad. He said he paid 20 dollars for it. I told him to come back and I’ll give him 20 bucks for my phone so I could have it back. He was being a dickhead and said he would call me to let me know. The fucker was going to call me?? How the fuck was he going to do that when he had my phone. He then said he’ll call me when he was almost there.

I had a strange feeling he wasn’t coming, so my nerves were shot up to the fucking sky. I saw this little boy outside with a saw machine full of blood. He put it to the side and people were trying to help him. They all ran when they noticed he was killing people with it. One girl escaped the lounge. And she ran passed by the front doors of the lounge with patches of hair missing and her face full of blood. It was all distorted, as her skin was peeled off. I wanted to get out. I wanted to get my phone. I was trapped. I was a hostage. My friend Ann who appeared out of nowhere, walked out the front doors to escape. I screamed for her not to leave and was afraid she was going to get killed. This little boy would kill anyone who left. I watched all these people get killed and was mortified. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to run, I wanted out. I wanted to grab the little boy and kill him. I wanted to grab that saw machine and toss it so fucking far. I just wanted. I then found myself sitting on a corner of the Manhattan streets with the rest of the people from the lounge including Ann. Cops everywhere. This one guy walks by with a cigar in his mouth and points right at me and nods his head as if he is identifying me. The voice in my head said are you going to buy me a new phone? That won’t help me. I won’t have any of my numbers. I knew he could hear me. I watched the cocksucker pass us by and walk away.