Update

So my mamma's results came back, she came up negative for the worst case of lupus, but positive for lupus, still don't know what kind but she has it. My roommate said he was going to be home but he never came home. So he's leaving supposedly, Friday, which in my eyes he's already gone because he's been sleeping at his new place and all his stuff has been gone since Monday. What ever! I got my bonus and it's going straight to my parents so they can pay my car insurance, it's under my father's name. I feel like royal shit, this strike is wearing me out. I walked for 45 minutes yesterday to get to my friend Ann's car to get a ride home. Not fun in the cold, immune system not good. Don't be surprised if I blog later on how sick I am. Christmas is almost here and being an atheist I'm going to go give support to my family. Go there and be with them. That's how I see it, a night of getting together and eating a lot of food. Mia is looking into her bedroom furniture and she'll be moving in soon. We're planning a New Year's Eve party at our place and well I'll let you know how that goes. This time of year saddens me. It reminds me of my brother Martino who passed away 11 years in January and of course January is a hard month for me too. 1994 Christmas was the last Christmas we had together, when he surprised his girlfriend and all of us that he was taking her to Mexico. She jumped on him like a little girl as the excitement sparked out of her. Much did we all know it was not a great trip. He left January 10th I think, and died there on January 16th, he never came home. He died 8 days before his 31st birthday. Well now typing this hurts my heart and the emptiness seem so much deeper. New Year's Eve in 1994 was the first time I didn't get to spend with my family, my brother had his girlfriend and well spent it with her and not the family again a first. 16 days later he died. I hate this time of year!!!

An arrrrrrrrrrrg moment

I came home last night and I see between my roommate and his friend on the couch a canon digital camera still in it's box. I thought it was my roommates friend's camera.

"Bought a new camera?"

The friend hesitated. Then my roommate says it's his that he gave him the money for it, but they are returning it for an exchange because what they wanted to do with it they can't with that camera they had right there.

My mind and blood went nuts!!! I thought he was struggling and wasn't even able to afford to give me half of next months rent. He said that he couldn't afford to pay the new apartments rent and give me half. When Mia is moving in mid January, so he should be paying me the half on next months rent, but only claims he can now give me $100 that his girlfriend is going to loan him. So hmmm... let's see you can't be responsible in making decisions and money and you rather dick over your roommate who you consider like a sister by accepting an offer on an apartment and give your so called roommate who is like a sister to you 2 weeks notice to find a roommate and well let's see here, she can't get one till mid January, but you claim you can't afford to pay both the new apartment and our rent...hmmm... So where the fuck did the money for the digital camera come from. HIS ASS?????

Just an arrrrrrrrrg moment to share.

To Bonus or Not To Bonus... that is the question

I'm sitting here at my desk exhausted. Feeling dizzy as my heart is racing a.k.a "not feeling well". Last week HR had sent me an email with a list of employee names and she wanted me to hand write everyone's name on an envelope. Bonus???? My name was on the list. Thing is I heard that it's a letter they put in that envelope. The envelope with a letter and a BONUS??? Will mine say thank you...blah blah blah... NO BONUS? or thank you ..... Blah Blah Blah here is your percentage raise and what your new salary is and looky here because you've been so great we feel you deserve this bonus now go ahead and pay off your car. Hmmm wondering. My review went well so I wonder if they would give me a raise and a bonus or either or I've only been here since August. My review did say that I did clean up the mess that was left from the previous person who had my position. I'm liked very much here, but does that even matter??? Wonder if anyone is getting a bonus. I know my receptionist is getting a raise, you can thank me for helping her show her how to help get her out of the gutter and back up to the surface. I helped her with organization skills and helped boost up her confidence. She had given up and well was not performing to expectation until I started to manage her. Oh well, we will see. I think we might get the envelopes some time this week. I'll let you know.

My Mamma

So I get a call from my sister the other day that my mom is positive for lupus. They have to do further testing to see what type she has. Her cholesterol is real high and there's all other sorts of things that aren't going well for my mamma. Why is it always raining?

He Came Over (The Someone I Met)

Is it bad of me that the only thing I want right now is his company when I get home from work and just cuddle to watch television? No kissing, just cuddling. Would that make me a bad person? I think not, but the only reason I ask is because I have this feeling that he likes me more than I like him, and the cuddling, you know a little quality time together with him feels as if he is liking me more and more. I know he likes me more than I like him. I know because he told me he has had his eye on me for a long time, that the night we finally got to hang out wasn't the first time he had seen me. He tells me I'm beautiful. He wanted to make reservations for dinner. He told me he was thinking about it the other night and how he didn't know how to choose a place because he heard how picky I am with food. I'm not picky, I just do not eat certain things, like meat and fish, but I do eat shell fish. It's the only thing I'm not allergic too. Oh yeah and I can't have any dairy. So I'm not picky I'm just difficult ; ) How do you think I feel when I have to order something on the menu? Especially when there is so much that does not accommodate me and minimal to accommodate me. But I'm happy with my shellfish no matter where I go, as long as they cook it good.

He is a smoker and that kills me. I think that might be a reason why I'm not into the kissing thing yet. I like the hugging and cuddling, I like the affection. He has tattoos (LOVE THAT) all over his arms and one huge cross on his back bigger than my freaking torso. I'm wondering how he will feel when I tell him I'm atheist. After I gone out with the girls from work last night he picked me up from the train station and when I got in the car I noticed he had a rosary hanging from his mirror. Soooo not me, it felt weird. How will he react when I tell him that it's not me? I'll just take the cuddling for now. He seems like a great guy, I want to get to know him, of course I'm the person who can sense things as soon as I meet someone. I sensed the comfort when I first met him so I went along with it. So here he is, one of my friend's brother who happens to be her twin. When I look at him I see her and that freaks me out a bit. I'm trying to overcome that. What ever happens will happen, friends or a man I will date. We'll,meaning me and all you readers ou there will find out in my future blogs. Ta Ta For Now Chhhhhaaaaa Chowwwwwwww!

My heart

It was him, the man who I fell in love with. I rarely go on my computer at home and one night I decided to download pictures I had on my digital camera. I went on my aol and didn't bother to look at my buddy list. Some time had passed as I watched the percentage go up. I maximized my aol window and looked at my buddy list. I saw his name. I haven't seen his name up in a long time. He got married and well that was the last of him. I called my friend and got her voicemail. I blabbered like a teenager telling her that HE was on line and that I was going to IM him. So I did. We said our hello's and how are you doing and what are you doing and then our I'll talk to you soon. I could not stop smiling, my heart was in my damn stomach, the giddiness overwhelmed me. I felt dizzy, I felt so happy and sad. It's like I fell in love all over again. Then I went on with my life.

A few nights before I had my little chat with the lost love of my life, I had an odd dream.

I was in my childhood home and of course it didn't look the same. My mother was talking to these two brokers who were sitting with their backs facing me. I was in the corridor watching them. One of the men looked over his shoulder slowly raising his head up from his chest. I almost fell back and lost my breath. When he finally showed his entire face I realized that it wasn't who I thought it was and that would be my brother Martino who passed away. I told him that he scared the shit out of me, that I thought he was my brother. I walked away and found my way into the bathroom. On the grey counter I found a large human heart. I had it in my hand it was almost the size of a football. I called my mother over and showed her.

"Ma, look. I have Martino's heart."

"Don't show your sister, don't let her get her hands on it."

My mother wanted me to keep my brother's heart, it was meant for me to hold. Then I found myself in a mansion sized place running up the stairs trying to escape from these people who were invisible. They were trying to take my brother's heart away from me. I ran and ran and ran and that is all I could remember.

I told my mom about the dream and she told me that it's weird how I dreampt that his heart was so big, because when he died he had a big heart. Medically. He is my angel.

Then here we have a few days later a man who had my heart talking to me on line that I haven't spoken to or seen in a long time. I miss having that great feeling and after that dream, I miss my brother the most.

Another One Bites The Dust

Last night, Monday, December 12th, I was sitting on my couch watching Las Vegas. My roommate was ironing his shirt and pants in the living room. I sensed something was wrong, but ignored it. He looked sad, to himself, withdrawn. I asked how his day off was, and he said it was fine. He finishes up and puts my mothers old ironing board back in its place. He leaves the living room and goes into his bedroom. Three minutes later as I was being a bum on the couch he tells me he has to tell me something.

"This man came into the store and told me about an apartment he has in his house, it's a really good deal and I want to take it before the holidays."

Okay this is when I had to tell myself, "CiaFai? Calm down, don't flip the fuck out, be calm about it."

He continues.

"I don't want to worry about fighting and disturbing. Like when I fought with Mia, I was wrong and then when me and Monica fight it disturbs you. I don't want to disturb you and I don't want to be disturbed."

"You're not disturbing me, you and Monica don't fight anymore."

He had it stuck in his head that he wanted to move out. I didn't care, he was ready to move on but the only reason I was upset was because of the time limit he gave me. He tells me he is leaving and wants to leave before the holidays. Which means, Christmas, December 25th. 13 days before he wants out. Actually he wants to leave before the 13 days as he said "before the holidays." He told me that he already found a bed that he found a good deal on for $500, that him and another friend we both know have gone shopping and bought some things for the new apartment and he has it over his girlfriends house. Now, my blood was boiling. I had to keep calm. No fight No fight I kept telling myself. So that means he's been planning this, and hasn't told me till now, you just don't do things like that. It's not like he lives in a horrible environment, that I'm so intolerable to live with. He's being a sneak on this and he blew up his spot on it. I have a quick mind and I do not forget the way someone treats me wrong. I told him he had to wait till I found a roommate, that it was going to be impossible to find someone in two weeks. He said he'll ask around, but didn't want to miss out on the apartment. I told him that he needed to tell this man that he has a roommate and needs to give me time to find another roommate. He's more worried about not getting this apartment because I probably need time to find an apartment. Tough shit he didn't care about me when he told the man he wanted the apartment. These are thing you talk through with your roommate, you give a heads up and not a two week heads up.

Come on who makes decisions like that?? He left and later on he came back into the living room as I was sitting there trying not to stress and ignore what just happened and watch television. I looked at him and decided to act on this situation, again with a calm matter.

"So, how long have you known about this apartment?"

"Oh, I just found out two days ago."

"So, you found out two days ago and you already went shopping for your new apartment, hmmm it's real funny how you did all that and never mentioned anything to your roommate." He's been my roommate for 2 1/2 years. I treated him like a brother.

He got frustrated. Hello, if anyone should be frustrated it should be ME!! "Oh I only bought" and it just sounded like blah blah blah after that. For goodness sake he already had a bed picked out knew the price on it and told the guy on the spot that he wanted the apartment. This is no spontaneous thing that happened, this is something that has been going on that he has neglected to tell me. He's been keeping his purchases at his girlfriends house, that means he's hiding it from me. I'm no fucking fool. So I'm taking my time in finding a roommate, actually I already found one, Mia. She wanted to move into the city. I didn't want to break her dream in moving into the city. I called her up and asked her

"What are you doing?"

"Looking for apartments."

"Why don't you put a hold on that and move in with me?"

I filled her in and she agreed to move in. She can't move in until mid January. I get to live with my best friend, but now it's my turn to take time on letting him know what is going on. I'm going to make him squirm. He didn't want to pay for January's rent and have to pay January's rent at the new place because he can not afford it and is afraid the man will give away the apartment by then, I doubt it if he supposedly just asked him three days ago. Come the fuck on!!! He tells me that this man is a very nice man and he knows him from shopping in the store he works in. If Mia found an apartment already I would have been fucked. Yeah I have someone to move in, so why should I be so mad? Well it's the point of respect and treating me with it. If you are an honest person you would not put them in the predicament he put me in. Thank goodness for Mia, but if she wasn't there, I would be here typing as my hair falls out of my head. So what? I have the right to get upset.

All Employees Must Wash Hands

So there I am shitting in the office bathroom. I hear the door open, and I have a good guess of who just walked in, but I sit there and mind my own business. They pee flush and then walk right out the door. She didn't even wash her hands. Ewwwwwwwwww!!! That is why I always take my napkin all the way to my desk as I'm wiping my hands dry. I wash my hands grab the napkin and dry them as I'm walking out and turn the knob with the napkin. I don't get those people? What is wrong with you????

Company Holiday Gift Giving and Receiving

So this is in our company handbook.

Company Ethics; Associate's Standards of Conduct. Acceptance of gifts in excess of twenty-five dollars ($25) is prohibited. Associates may not accept any gifts, favors or hospitality that might influence their decision-making or actions affecting the Company.

My comment:

Twenty freaking five flopping bucks??? Are you kidding me? So I get this card from a vendor and there's a whopping $100 gift card in there, 4 $25's gift cards. I'm so bummed. Ahhhhhhh. And the email went out to us, because I opened my big mouth and asked if we can accept monetary gifts. I only asked because someone had mentioned it a while back and I know that one day they would find out if I got a monetary gift around the holidays. I'm such a dodo. Ahhhh... I have to give back $75 or do I need to give all of my gift back, I mean come on it's a gift that they felt I deserve. It's not going to change my mind in doing more business with them. I'm not the idiot, well apparently I guess I am because I opened my big dang mouth.

I Met Someone Last Night

Yes you read the title correct, I met someone last night. Shocker! I know. Someone finally came up to me and was interested in me. Yes that is right , he was interested in me.

We, meaning the girls went out for Mia's birthday. We went to a club in NYC. We had a table and drank up. I only had two drinks. One at the bar and then one at the table. Saw some friends I haven't seen in a while and then was introduced to some others. I had my digital camera and took some photos. I brought my hobby out with me. It was an awesome night. I finally met one of my friend's brother whom I totally forgot that she had a twin brother. We were all nice to one another and it was a great group of people having a good time. Eventually we started talking and I had thought the girl he came with was his girl. It wasn't and well I sort of felt a bit of an interest on his side. I thought he was a nice guy and got a good vibe from him. He would laugh at things I was saying, he found me funny. His other friend who I called the molester, had me on the floor laughing. I know I've met this other guy from somewhere else. I asked him if he had a motorcycle and if he once hung out at this one spot I thought I had seen him at. Ends up it was the same guy.

"So, did you like me?"
I laughed, he so rough, that somewhat hard Italian attitude.

I said "NO" with a firm tone

"Did you want to kiss me?"

Again, "NO"

I was dying I wanted to just laugh so hard in his face. He then was very interested in my body. Yikers. I wanted to run.

"Take a picture with me"

So I made him happy. We were all just having a good time.

So to get away from him, I went over to the other guy, my friend's brother. I felt comfortable, because I knew he was my friend's brother, so he wasn't so much of a stranger. I told him to help me. To put his arm around me when we took a picture so that other dude would stay away. We ended up having a great time as I entertained him with my humorous personality. Oh yeah that's right I have one. A personality and it has a great sense of humor in it. So we hit it off, he held my hand and all that. It was comforting. I liked it. I just have to get to know him. We all ended up going to an after hours spot and danced and danced and he would hug me. It felt good. I haven't had that in a while. So I took the opportunity and enjoyed it. He asked for my number and well he already called and I'm going to take this opportunity to get to know him. You never know where this will end, it could be a guy I start to date or he could be added to my circle of friends. What ever it is, I'm glad I met him.

To one of my ANONYMOUS readers

So I get this comment.

Listen blondie, if you dedicate your time to other things than this useless blog you may find what you are lacking in life.We all know deep down inside you are a sweet person. However, its time to remove the bricks and let someone into your heart.I am sure there is one person in this world that would like to get to know you but you refuse to let people in.However, the blogs you write are short of entertainment and more of a bore. I read them to try and understand what is int hat mind of yours. That circus act needs to stop. Anyway....now that I typed something the ball is your court to reply to this mystery writer.

First off why call me blondie?

Second, you want a reply? Read my comment after yours on my blog, though why would you come back if I'm such a bore?

Third, if I'm not interested in someone that doesn't mean I refuse people in my life, I don't want to bother with that one particular person. That doesn't make me evil building a brick wall. Maybe it's the other people who can not accept me having any interest in them.

Fourth, do not tell me how to spend my time! If this blog is so useless then why did you come here?

Fifth, so my blogs are short of entertainment and more of a bore...then why are you so interested in my reply? My blog is who I am sucker. I know you read this because I told you if you wanted to get to know me take a look at my blog. What kind of life do you have that is so entertaining and grand? Nothing, because if you did you would not be on the internet reading my blog, your fascinating life wouldn't be right here right now reading this.

Sixth, I do let people in my heart... that's why I'm loved and love so much.

By the way, I met someone last night. So much for your philosophy.

Understand what is my mind? Let's put it this way.... You just don't get me!!

Have a Nice Day!

My Readers

I always wonder who my readers are. I know you are out there. I then wonder what they are like and what they felt as they read my blog. So.... hello reader this is CiaFai, how are you? I would love to get your feedback. Don't be shy. I would just like to know what brought you here and what has kept you to coming back. I really don't see any comments. Why don't you change that? Thank you for reading my blog, welcome to my CiaFai world.

They Left

My parents and youngest brother left today. (I started to type this the day the left which was Thursday, December 1st) I wasn't able to take them to the airport because I had to go to work. I slept in my bed with my mother, because I refused to sleep with my brother on the area bed in my living room. He's sick and there is no way I'm getting myself sick. Low immune system and with this crazy New York weather, I am not chancing it. I woke my mother up in the middle of the night because she sounded like she was choking on her own breath. My worst fear, my mother die. It scared me practically to death. Then one night she told me I sat up and spoke in Italian. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that I thought they took the covers off me. Hmm I wonder who I was talking about. Anyway... It was Monday when we finally went to my apartment after being in the Bronx since Thursday. Before heading to my apartment I had to get my cat some litter for her litter box and my parents wanted to go to the cemetery to visit my brother. My parents live in Florida and never get a chance to visit their son's grave.

Like any father who is in his 70's, I kept getting yelled at while I was driving by my dad. Turn here, turn there, go this way, go that way, do this, do that, why do you get yourself so aggravated, you're too close to the car, you're this, you're that. Ahhhhhh!! My fathers mind is slowly going and he's driving mine up the wall. I love him to death. I would give my life for his. It's crazy how much you can miss your parents when they live so far away. We are a close family and to be so far apart kills me. Living with them now would kill me too. My nerves would be shot and I would be balled. I left my parents in the parking lot as I purchased the litter. I get back in and we drive off to the cemetery that was across the street. My father wanted me to stop and get flowers first. He yelled at me for the way I was positioning my car for him to get out. I was only trying to make it easier for him and for myself due to the u-turn I would have to pull getting out of the spot. So as he got out, my mother and I rolled our eyes and said he was a crazy man. He comes back with two bunches of flowers.

"Wow they're still the same. Five dollars. No more, no less."

I watched my father hold onto the flowers, I felt his pain. I felt the pain hit me from the back seat of my car. My mother. I knew this was going to be hard. Before my parents moved away, I would go with them to the cemetery and watch them as I was slowly dying, cry over my brothers grave. The weakness, the pale color on their face. Their scarred soul. I would cry more in the inside and shed a river out. I had to act strong for my parents. I had to hold them up. I had to embrace them when I had no strength myself. I had to understand that they were in more pain than me and I couldn't imagine more pain than what I felt. So that day (Monday) we went back to the cemetery, I knew it was a long time since they've been there last. Someone dug a grave up and piled a hill of soil on my brothers resting place. Thank goodness his tomb stone wasn't covered. It was cold and my father stuck two green metal vases in the ground with the plastic still on it. To watch him, put my heart right into my stomach. He put the flowers in and I poured some water I had in an one liter coke bottle. I had to be strong once again. My father stood straight and said

"Martino, we are here."

Right there and then I grabbed my parents and cried like a baby telling them how much I love them and there we were, crying. They begged me to move down to Florida, that I would live like a princess. I knew deep in my heart that I wouldn't. I couldn't take all the screaming and yelling and the old age. So then three days later they left. I love you MAMMA E PAPA!