I Thought About HIM Today II

He probably doesn’t even think of me at all. Isn’t it crazy how a person could live inside your mind and you don’t even exist in theirs? “HE” has his own life and I would only see “HIM” every once in a while. It’s been that way for five years. He obviously doesn’t live in the same state as me, so I would only see him if he were here or I was there by him. In 1999, when we first met and where we met ,was of course out of the ordinary. That’s where I want to keep it. It makes it more meaningful but at the same time doesn’t mean anything anymore. Well to him. That’s all because he has his own life now and always had, but it’s more there than here.

It was a long while, maybe even a year since I last seen him. We stopped talking over the phone and emailing one another. At first I didn’t have feelings for him until that one day when I saw him at a birthday party in September of 2000 that we were both invited to but didn’t know either one would be there. He walked in this huge club and I pulled on his jacket as he walked by, he hugged me, excited to see me. He told me he would be back that he had to go talk to someone. I told him I would be right where I was standing. He went up to VIP and when he came back down, a hurdle of people embraced him in their whole. He then walked away with out saying goodbye. A friend from work pointed out that he was leaving. I was so heated. My friend from work started to laugh at me and told me that he could tell that I like “Mr. I’m Leaving With Out Saying Good Bye”. I told him that he was crazy and that we were just friends and that my blood was only boiling because he said he would be back and left with out saying goodbye and I don’t like it when people do that. It fucking rude. Later on, Lily, Val and I were hanging out by the bar. My back was leaning on the bar as I faced them while they faced the bar. Lily almost gave me a heart attack when she screamed out that he was back and he was by the end of the bar. I didn’t give two flying fucks.

“Go over there and talk to him.”

“No! He knows where I am, he can come and talk to me if he wants.”

I was pissed, why should I chase after him? Anyway he was only a friend who I would talk to over the phone and email. It goes further than that, and it’s because when we first met we connected in away I’ve never felt with anyone before. I didn’t know it was the beginning of something different. I turned around and ordered Lily a Cosmopolitan and as I did from my peripheral vision I saw him bending over the same way as I was and ordering a drink simultaneously. Wicked. Positions changed I was facing the bar and my friends had their back to the bar. There was a crowd of people behind me that my friends were people watching when I had felt someone grab my hand. It was “HIM”, his eyes holy shit grabbed my soul. I couldn’t understand what I was feeling. His smile made my heart alive. He was so happy to see me. He apologized that he had a call and had to run out of the club before. So you see, he never said good bye because he never really left. That was the night, we both, well I know I definitely did, started to feel something.

Ok so after a year which is now 2001 of that enchanting encounter, my friends Lily and Breanna went out the night before Breanna’s birthday. We were all supposed to go out on her birthday, but she was too excited and wanted to go out the night before too. I get a call from Breanna begging me to go out with them. I couldn’t go, I was sick and I had told her that if I went out that night I wouldn’t be able to go out for her birthday the next day. She was upset but got over it, knowing I would sacrifice my soul the next night instead.

It was the next day and Lily called me at work dumbfounded.

“Are you sitting down? Guess who we saw last night?”

I said his name. I didn’t even give her a chance to finish her question. She was amazed that I knew.

“How the hell did you know that?”

“I just know… I had a feeling he was here, I felt him.”

“But, it’s been like a year since you’ve seen him.”

It’s a crazy feeling that I thought we were destined for each other. We are, but not in this life time.

Yuh Know?

It was late and I was tired. I had no choice but to fold my clothes that I just rubbed my face on to keep warm that I just took out of the dryer. The television was blaring the discovery channel while I dreadfully folded. Cara was taking her clothes out of the dryers and as she was she would fold them. I just throw them all in and fold them at the table. Cara’s daughter was running around the entire Laundromat, making us nervous. Lia is the cutest little girl who you just want to squeeze the shit out of her. OK not literally! Cara’s husband was walking in an out of the Laundromat, he wasn’t feeling well so he decided he wanted to go home.

“Simon! Simon!” Lia called her father by his first name.

“I miss you!” Lia said with the warmest eyes looking up at Simon “I miss you!”

“I miss you too!”

She says the craziest things at particular moments. Lia is a friendly little girl, who trusts everyone and I mean strangers too. It’s cute, but at the same time dangerous. We live in a suspicious world and it’s hard to judge people.

“Lia! NO!, stop touching the ladies bag.” She didn’t listen to me as she attempted to grab the bag again.

“LIA!!! I SAID NO!” She ignored me and put her hand in the woman’s brown paper bag. Simon yelled at her and grabbed her slightly brushing his hand on her face as he went to smack her hand.

“Lia, you don’t do that, it’s not nice. You have to listen.”

The woman sitting on the plastic bench with her small paper bag in her hand says “Oh, its okay, she didn’t mean any harm by it.”

I was embarrassed and horrified. I hate when Lia doesn’t listen to me, she does it all the time. She hears you but she’s not listening. Cara gets all nervous when Lia doesn’t like listening to her. She loses her patience and let’s out a little cry.

“She drives me crazy.”

“She’s only a little girl Cara, but she really needs to start listening. I wonder how she’ll do when she finally goes to school.”

Lia just wants to do her own thing and maybe it has to do with how cute she is, she thinks she can get away with it. I think at times she’s afraid of me because I’m very stern with her and don’t let her get away with anything. I can’t help it, I love her like if she’s my own niece. I feel that I need to discipline her, it’s just the way I am with all children.

Simon tells Lia to put her coat on that she’s going home with Daddy.
Lia doesn’t listen. Cara finally gets Lia in her coat and gives her a kiss on her cheek and hands her over to her husband.

“I’ll see you later.”

“Oh, it’s fine, it’s OK, she recognizes me, it’s not like she’s never seen me before. Yuh know?”

This woman was still sitting on that cheap plastic bench watching the discovery channel. She felt that she needed to express herself to me. Why? Because she was drunk!. She kept her coat on and held on to her small brown paper bag as if it was keeping her warm. What did she mean by she recognizes me? Does this woman think she’s seen Lia before and a different time or is it just her being drunk? I think DRUNK.

“If I had two sodas, I would have given her one, but I don’t have two sodas.”

“Oh that’s OK. She doesn’t need any soda, she already had some before with her pizza.”

“Yeah I’m waiting for my food here, it’s from that Italian place across the street.”

I noticed that I really couldn’t understand her slurs especially over the damn loud ass television that was broadcasting murders in France that they were investigating. Three women were killed on a train in a matter of three months, well that’s what I think they said, three months. I was lazy, I didn’t feel like folding my clothes. I was wishing for a miracle, for a fairy to come down and wave her fairy dust and poof they were folded. I didn’t want to hear about anymore deaths. I was really depressed about it all. Today, I saw the number 80,000. That’s the amount of all the dead people from Tsunami. The last thing I wanted to watch while folding my clothes was the investigation of true murder cases. They would reenact the entire story line of all three murders and show the dead bodies.

“That’s terrible, the man who killed these women. Yuh know?”

I just nodded my head. Why me?? Why did this drunken woman have to strike up a conversation with me when all I wanted to do was go home and lay in my bed and tell the whole world to fuck off for the night? I sort of felt bad for her though. She looked lonely and I guess she just felt the need to have a conversation to make her feel better. She had salt and pepper hair up to her shoulders. It was so frizzy, it made her half up pony tail look messy. Her face was bare without any make up. The lines in her face seemed to tell stories.

“I’m 59 pushing 60.”

My goodness my mom is older than that and this woman makes my mom look like she’s a kid. We spoke about the murders on the television. I had said how there is no way you can trust anyone and it’s just not safe out there.

“I know Lia, didn’t mean any harm, but you have to teach her not to trust everyone out there especially strangers, you never know what they can do.”

“Yeah I know, yuh know? When I was a teenager things were bad, but it’s worse now. When I was young I use to be a swimmer, yuh know? I swam all the time. I would pay a few dollars and go in a pool all night, yuh know? I’ve always had…”

I interrupted her. “Ear infections?”

“Yeah yuh know? It must have been all those children going in the pool, yuh know? Do you like watching old movies? Yuh know?

“Yeah I like classic movies, don’t get around to doing it though, who has time?”

She started to name some actors. I really couldn’t catch them with her slur, she wouldn’t stop talking.

As she pointed into her bag the drunken woman said, “If I had two sodas I would have given her one, but I don’t think she could have this beer.”

“Oh no, not beer.”

“Cara this woman is drunk.”

“Holy shit she is?”

“Yup and Lia had her hand in her bag.”

“Uhh I’m going to kill that little witch.”

“She only a little kid, hopefully when she goes to school she won’t have that problem.”

“Yeah and the teacher better teach her how to be good.” I and Cara laughed. We disappeared into our own little conversation and the drunken woman started to talk to the Laundromat worker. He stood behind a plastic booth, it seemed like if he was hiding in a bullet proof booth, what the heck was he scared of? He never came out of there, the carts were all over the place, he didn’t keep the place systemized. The drunk woman had her red scarf on and the only thought that came to my mind was that her food must be cold by now being here for 2 hours and it waiting for her at the Italian place across the street and then I thought wow she’s getting ready to leave I hope she’s OK, yuh know?

I Thought About HIM Today

I thought about him today, the man my friends told me I was in love with before I even knew. Well, that I think I was that I might have been that I still am but not sure if that’s what it is and was. Not sure. I thought I was over what ever it was and am feeling. I told my mind and heart to. It’s not listening very well. The thought of him just comes out nowhere every once in a while. It’s always different. Sometimes I get sad and get mad that nothing ever happened. Then there are times when I can’t stop smiling and just wonder what if. Then it’s the High School feeling you use to get, where you can’t catch your breath and your heart starts skipping beats and tries to catch up on the ones it missed by beating so hard and fast. The tingling in your entire body that numbs everything around you and just lifts you up with the butterflies rising into your throat from your stomach. The, I’m in another world zone, and all of sudden have visions as if you were the third party watching yourself and him the way you were when you were in each others company. Reminiscing the deafness, when you stared in each others eyes and even when you kissed how everyone would just magically disappear around you. How you fit so perfectly in his arms as if he was made for you. How it just feels right.

What Happens??

Drea’s father doesn’t know that Drea has a boyfriend of 5 years. He doesn’t even suspect that she has a social life at all. Drea goes to work early in the morning and comes home to have dinner with her family and then goes into her bedroom and watches television all night, while having secret phone calls with her boyfriend on her cell phone. Drea’s mom Angelia knows about him though. It’s a big secret between mother and daughter.

“I don’t understand, you’re almost 30 and your dad doesn’t know anything about Kane? You’ve been with him forever. Why don’t you just tell him.”

“Absolutely not, I’m not going to tell my dad anything. When we get engaged, that’s when I’ll bring Kane home.”

“You are fucking crazy. Don’t you think your dad would rather know the person you’re about to marry? I mean you don’t think that’s weird, to bring Kane over one day and be like hey dad this is my fiancé Kane? Don’t you think you’re dad will have a canary?”

“No. He’ll be happy. That’s the way it goes in my family.”

“Ok, but I still think you are crazy.”

Zoey crosses her legs and puts her hands in between them. She slides her left hand into her right hand and all of a sudden… it rubs and makes a loud fart noise.

“I swear I didn’t fart!! It was my hands. Look… look … look at me damn it I’ll show you how it happened.”

Zoey and Drea had a good laugh and rolled the windows down on Drea’s piece of shit four wheel Flintstone vehicle.

“But it doesn’t smell you freak!!”

Drea was the type of girl who would put gothic like make-up on and put on tight club clothing and go to all the after hour clubs. She had long brown hair that would hit her ass. She was always hanging out with a certain group and she would make time for her other friends when all that slowed down. Zoey would see her at clubs, they would hang out for a minute say their hellos and dance to one or two songs and then go back to their own clan. It wasn’t till Zoey actually moved next door to Drea that they got close and became the best friends they are today. Drea did a whole 180 transformation. She stood home now in an old T-Shirt twice her size with jogging pants with her long hair put in a sloppy halfass ponytail bun with remote in hand. At times she goes over a friend house just to hang out for an hour or two.

Zoey wants to know “Is this what happens when you get a boyfriend, you just stop your social life and let go?”

Too Many People

Here I am worrying if anyone will come over New Year’s Eve when 44,000 people just died across 11 nations. People are digging through the earth with their own hands to bury their beloved ones. I never watch the news or read the newspaper; all it’s filled with is all the bad shit that goes on. I can’t watch the news on the television set, I can’t read the newspaper my soul starts to shake and my tears shed for the loss of these innocent people lives that were swallowed by the mouth of death. There’s nothing you can do about Mother Nature and that is the sick part. I can’t imagine being strong if I was a survivor. To dig a grave with only my bare hands and cover my family and friends even a stranger with the rich soil that destroyed their living life. I wake up to the sound of my stereo and all I hear is the count of how many people have died. I just want to stay in bed and wish for it to all go away, like if it were just all a demonic dream, the malevolence of the earth that we call home doesn’t feel so safe anymore. Where has all the good gone? I feel empty and the suffocation of the depression that has conquered me has me not worrying about New Year’s Eve and the celebration, though I never really liked celebrating for personal reasons and NOW everyone around me is still talking about how they are going away and how they would love to see the ball drop in Times Square. People going to black tie parties, spending all that money on one night when it feels most of the world is mourning. What ever! I understand people want to try and go into the New Year with positive thoughts, but you don’t have to make a big extravaganza about it.

What's The Point?

I don’t like celebrating New Year’s Eve. My cousin and her fiancé and a few friends are going to Atlantic City. They asked me to join, but it’s not my thing. Plus, I’m broke and I don’t like going out to celebrate New Year’s Eve. My family isn’t here only my brother who lives in the Bronx. Frankly, I really feel like shit and now I don’t want to do anything. Just a half hour ago, I was making a list of what I will make for a buffet. I was going to have some people over (but not to my surprise, because why would anything ever go right for me, they may all not come) and just have a little dinner and maybe play some board games, cards and just be in good company. The list sounded mouth watering, and now I just feel like vomiting.

The List

Hummus (I heard its good luck to have beans for New Year’s Eve)
Shrimp Empanadas
Rice Balls (NO MEAT)
Pasta with fresh chopped tomatoes and garlic and fresh basil everything all fresh except the pasta I have no time to make that
Romaine lettuce with broiled Portobello mushrooms with fresh garlic olive oil and balsamic vinegar
And that was all I came up with at the moment.

But now that’s all crossed off and I just want to be alone. I’m not going to bother everyone and tell them that they have to come over. I hate this time of year. I just want to know if it will ever get better when this gloom full month comes again.

He Took Her Mother Instead

Lucy jolted up and picked up her 9 month old son. His loud cries woke her as her 19 month first born was sound asleep. As she finally put him back to sleep she returned to her bed, noticing that her brother in law Tonino was in a deep sleep in the spare bed in her bedroom. She heard someone opening the door. She called out her husband’s name thinking it was him coming home from the café.

“Roberto, Roberto is that you? Roberto?”

She looked out her bedroom door to find a man 7’ tall wearing a black hooded cape. She was petrified. She started to scream, but no one heard her. She knew she wasn’t dreaming knowing she just put her son down to sleep. The man walked toward Lucy as she started to walk backwards to her bed. She fell back on to her bed and he took the opportunity to put his hands on around her neck.

“HELP!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!” She couldn’t breathe, she was being choked.

No one heard her cries. She heard the door opening once again and it was her husband this time. He ran over to her and felt a gust of wind go right through him.

“Lucy what’s wrong? Are you OK? What happened?”

He held her in his arms as she laid there lifeless. He got up and got her a glass of water and told her that she looked very pale. She told him the story and they were both mystified. They went to bed and where awoken in the morning by the sound of the telephone ringing.

“Lucy, your mother just died.”

I can have his heater

I just spoke with the owner of the co. and we spoke briefly, I told him I was freezing and he offered me his portable heater in his office. HOLY CRAPPER!!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Something NICE

At 9 something in the morning, I got a GIFT. I hope you just didn’t fall off your chair. Someone from work actually gave me a gift. Of course it wasn’t from the owner of the co. it was an employee. I was so happy. Finally something nice. I now know who has a heart here.

Right Around The Corner

Mia and I were coming back from my favorite restaurant. I was looking for parking and around the corner from my house there were a whole bunch of cop vans and all those special vehicles you see on all those CSI shows. Something definitely happened. We were curious of course. So I parked the car and we decided to take a walk over. We actually took the long way over so it didn't look like we were nosey neighbors and made it seem like that we were walking through to get somewhere. The man from the funeral parlor was out on the corner in his long black trench coat. Why do those people always look like they are part of the mafia?

“Hey, what happened?”

He has no freaking clue and only informs us that the whole squad has been there all day long, really 3 hours. He then gestures that everyone was looking over at this one direction. Mia wanted to walk into the blocked block.

I was like “heck no I am not going in there it does not look good.”

Then there was a cop walking towards one of the vans.

“Mia, go ask the cop, is he cute?”

Mr. Funeral Man laughed. She didn’t and we walked the opposite way. We saw a girl in front of her house and asked her.

“Oh, someone got shot, and there was a helicopter flying over the houses for a long time.”

“Mia, someone definitely died.”

So I ask this pretty woman, she was, pretty even Mia agreed with me and we didn’t get jealous. HUH!

“Did they get shot inside or outside the house?”

She turns to look at this older man, it had to be her father and in some foreign language she says

“lalashnik nik”

Well that’s what it sounded like to me.

“Inside.”

"HmmmThank You. Mia someone had to definitely die for them to have the block closed off like that all day and to have all these freaking police vans and trucks.”

We went home baffled. My friend Hope and her boyfriend Nero is another friend of mine calls me when I got home and I had asked her to tell Nero to find out what happened. Well he didn’t find out. I found out later from my friend Ann that someone got killed.

“I KNEW IT!!!”

Then this other dude who was over Hope’s house the other day said that he heard that there was a dispute and shots fired. Well put 2 and 2 together and you get a DEAD BODY right around the corner.

This 3 Month Blow My F'n Ass Probation Shit

This three-month probation is fucking ridiculous bullshit. First, (now that I think about it) was when I came to work one-day sick as a dog. I thought I was coming down with the flu. I was running to the bathroom all day either throwing up or shitting my brains out. I felt weak all my muscles were sore. I didn’t have any sick days; I had no choice but to go to work. Isa my co-worker told me that I looked green. Green? I never heard of such a thing, but apparently I was green. I lifted up my shirt to check my stomach and I was yellow. I guess I was fucking Rainbow Brite that day. I ended up not working for 2 hours of the day. I had no choice but to go home. I thought I was going to pass out. Dizzy spells and all. I went home and laid in bed all day and night. I couldn’t get up the next day, but I knew I still didn’t have any sick days, so once again I go to work. I’m there working, annoyed and sick. I didn’t take my hour lunch so I could make up the time from the day before. I did the same shit the next day. Friday comes. I hand in my time sheet. I was questioned. I explained to them that I made up the time for when I went home early the day I thought I was dying. The office manager coincidently was there and this was not in my favor. I told them I made up the hours I was missing and the office manager said that I could not do that. Fuming!!! I was fuming,

“first of all I don’t have any sick days and I came into work really sick, now I can’t even make up the hours? This is ridiculous.”

My face must have been really red because I felt the blood rushing to my head and get real hot. So that’s number fucking ONE.

#2 For two days last week I stayed an hour extra each night. I gave my time sheet with the extra hours and I was told that I’m not going to get paid for it. Mad as shit, I told them I don’t understand the logic of the rules this retarded company has. I’m sick and I leave two hours early one day and I get docked. Then at another time I stay late because your bullshit work needs to get out that night so I have no choice but to stay. I don’t get paid for that either. What the FUCK??

#3 Everyone in the company get a bonus, but I don’t because in 2 weeks it will be 3 months I’m there and your slick ass couldn’t wait till then to give everyone a bonus so you get out in giving me a bonus because of this three month probation shit that you never ever ever mentioned to me till bonus time came. I should have been told in the interview and right before I signed all the paperwork.

#4 I don’t get benefits because I have to wait three months. Ok, I guess I have to deal with that.

“So you’ll get your health insurance in February.” What????? No it’s January. “No, no you started on the 4th you missed the 1st so you have to wait for the next first of the month and wait three months from then.”

Were they shitting me??? Then why the hell did they not tell me to come work then and have me wait till the 4th. Slick bastards again. Mind you I know the owner and his son who also works there for many years. I hope they didn’t do that intentionally.

#5 I’m not staying late anymore!! I’m not going to get paid for it, the only way I’ll get paid is to get approval before I actually do the work and it has to be over 40 hours. We have a 37.5-hour week. Slick bastards again!!

“Oh, are you leaving?” No I have my Eskimo gear on because it’s really cold in the office.

“ This needs to go out tonight.” I ended up staying and hour and a half longer and missed my singing session at the studio. Again I won’t get paid! FUUUUUMMMMMMMING

#6 Privately told “You know those two days we are getting off?” Yeah, Xmas Eve and New Year’s Eve.

“They aren’t paying you for those days” I almost blew up. I was so angry. I’m just going to pretend I didn’t hear that and when I do get my check they’ll hear me.

So since these motherfuckers knew that I wasn’t going to be paid for those two days, they should have at least given me a little something for a bonus out of their own pocket since they know me forever before I started working there. I didn’t even get a card not a damn fucking thing from them. Then you jack me on my hours?? Oh NOOOOO!! This chick is not playing this game.
FUCK’EM I sent an email out tonight to the other company I’ve been wanting to work for. Let’s hope they reply.

The First Day Of Winter

Looky here today is going to be 38/34 Sunny, tomorrow 51/44 P Cloudy and Thursday it’s going to be 57/39 with Rain. Oh yeah I’m definitely catching pneumonia. It was only hmm like 5 below with the wind chill yesterday. Who’s getting sick, please raise your hand. I thought I lost my ears yesterday as I was walking 8 blocks to get home from the train station and not only is my asthma killing me, I’ve been trying not to get sick, though I had a bit of a scare of the flu. It was a false attempt and I know that son of a bitch is going to find its way to me. So I started juicing, vegetables that is. It made me feel better. Now that’s a fucking miracle. I still feel shot!! Everyone here at work is hacking up a lung and the woman behind me keeps coughing up her bronchial germs. She was home for a few days with the flu. I guess I started the trend, you know getting sick. I got sick and tried to fight it and then I was feeling a bit better then everyone and their mother here got sick so I started to feel sick again. It will never end. It’s like a domino effect. So I just wanted to welcome Winter because I LOVE IT SO SO SO MUCH! NOT! So winter, take a looky at me now. I flip you the bird!

Left Out In The Rain

I'm sort of an insomniac. Now you’re probably saying to yourself, sort of? It’s either you are or aren’t. Well, for many years I suffered with insomnia, and just recently I started to get maybe 2 to 4 hours of sleep a night, if I’m lucky. I don’t know if it’s lucky though. When I do fall asleep I have nightmares. I haven’t had one good dream in years. It’s probably about 7 ½ years. Last night, I had a dream of my 9 year old nephew and this guy I dated over 10 years ago for like a month who was 6 years older than me. I was in this house, and it must have been summer time because I think it was a beach house. Everything was white from the wooden floors to the curtains to the couch. The strange thing was this guy was like 18 in my dream; I didn’t even know him at 18. He was sitting on the couch and my nephew came over to me upset. I had asked him what was wrong and he sobbed while telling me his message.

“No one pays attention to me; I’m left out in the rain.”

There’s more to the dream that went bad, but I don’t remember it and I think its better off that way.

TIMREX WEBSTERHALL 

WEBSTER HALL

It was TimRex big night at Webster Hall. December 9th. He went on about 1:49am. My plan for the night was to be home by 1:30am. That didn’t happen. It was Sean and Alberto’s birthday so we went to Sea in Williamsburg for dinner. Isa and I went over to her apartment in the city to get ready for this adventurous night. I had my Diesel jeans and a shirt I just bought that totally showed cleavage. It was awesome. The only problem, my boots, they didn’t go with the outfit.

“Isa do you have a pair of shoes I can borrow for tonight?”

She was so kind and showed me to her bedroom and opened her closet door. Most of her shoes were hanging in one of those shoe holders you hang on your door. There really wasn’t anything that would go except for these real cool dark pink high heals. I think they were a 9 ½ , they fit but my skinny big ass foot was too thin for them. I could walk in them but with every other step they would slip out just a bit. Not very comfortable in the rain. Oh yeah it was raining. GREAT! Isa thought there were going to be too big, but I was determined to have these shoes on.

“Hey Isa, do you have cotton balls? I’m going to stuff them in the front of these damn shoes so they’ll fit better.”

And I did. Isa and I shared a small umbrella as my poor Mohawk was being squished by my hood that pressed down to my face. Ahhh. I had on gold and green eye shadow and bright pink lipstick. My huge lips were just out there. I had on Isa’s earrings. They went perfect with the outfit. It was cold and wet. We took the bus to the train, but stopped at a bank to get some mula before jumping on the train. So we're on the train, and I’m sitting down while Isa is standing above me. I tried talking to her, but she couldn’t here me with that stupid vent above her head. I had no idea where in Williamsburg we were going. We get out of the train and start asking strangers where the heck North 6th Street was. The dude with the cigarette is trying to stay dry under an awning and pointed to were Sea is located. So we go, we thought we were late. We were meeting Geoffrey the Giraffe, Rob, Alberto, Sean and The Transporter for dinner. We get there and no one is there. I call Geoffrey the Giraffe and he said that he was in his car on the way there, when I screamed really loud

“LIAR!! YOU’RE STILL HOME!! I CAN HEAR IT! YOU DIDN’T EVEN LEAVE YET!”

I come to find out later he didn’t lie, he wasn’t at home, he was at someone else’s house. I was still right! I tried calling The Transporter, but he wouldn’t pick up. He was on another call. I automatically thought that these guys were playing a trick on me and they were on the phone with one another scheming. I thought they didn’t want to go to dinner anymore and they had us there waiting and waiting. Isa and I went to the bar. She got herself a Grey Goose and Tonic. I hate tonic I think it has a nasty taste. She asked me if I wanted anything, I said

"No, I need some food in my stomach I am starving."

So then we sat on a large swing. I ended up hitting people with the swing as they walked by. This restaurant has one of the best atmospheres. The Transporter was the first boy to arrive. The other freaks arrived 15 minutes later, which seemed like an eternity to my hunger pains. We ate! I sent my shrimp dish back to be cooked. It didn’t taste good, as if it wasn’t cooked all the way. So as I ate my Spit on the Shrimp dish, I finished my Pomegranate Mojito. Took photos of everyone around the table. We left.

We parked a block and a half away from Webster Hall. Again walking in the rain with my pink cotton filled high heals. We meet Mia at the door and walk in. We’re on stage and the music is nuts. Complimentary drinks till 1am. Yay! Everyone drinks up, I only have one drink, my tummy was bothering me from the food. I was playing match maker. The Transporter and Isa. They seemed to like one another, Isa really liked him. You know how men are, they see friend they haven’t seen in forever and totally forget about a girl. So he tried to split his time, but then… yes there is a but then… his ex seeing girl or what ever she was shows up. Isa is heart broken and I’m pissed off. At the end of the night he apologizes to Isa. So everyone is drunk, but me. I love that, I get to see how retarded they all get and end up becoming the designated driver. I keep asking TimRex when the hell are you going on. He didn’t have a clue. There were two performances before him and I was upset with them.

I keep telling TimRex "that should be me and why the heck in the world do they have that piece of shit singing?"

He agreed. He went on, the crowd’s reaction blew the place up. The crowd didn’t give two shits either for the other two performers. I was so proud of Tim I almost cried. Took more pictures there and now have them downloaded on my comp to always reflect on the night. Isa, ran into a cab without me knowing while Rob and Sean were wrestling outside the club in the garbage. Mia slept over. I went to the bathroom to wash my face and once I got back to my room, Mia was laying down half asleep asking me

“What time is it?” I answered. “It’s past 4, its 4:19am.” She looks at me and says Oh and instantly turns her head and starts snoring. I almost fell from laughing so hard.

MY ARM!

My left arm is killing me. It feels like it lost all its strength. It’s that kind of pain. Do you think it’s because I got upset today? Hmmm… oh you’re asking why I got upset today and how yeah it’s not a surprise. Well when I walked in today this is what I heard, “You didn’t submit your time card Friday.” Oh yeah I had forgotten and remembered when everyone was already gone. Hence I asked if I was going to get paid for the two extra hours I stayed last week. NOPE! First it’s the bullshit retarded no Bonus three month probation shit and now it’s the NOPE!! getting paid for the extra two hours I stayed last week working on a stupid budget that 4 people were working on that kept changing it because they all had there own viewpoint of how it should be. I can’t understand who would make up the stupid rules in the “by the book” shit. They must have been some greedy bastard who once owned slaves in their past life. Where the fuck is my stapler? Or should I throw my keyboard at them? Now my arm is hurting. Isn’t it weird how stress can affect you? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

END OF SEPTEMBER. ONLY ME!

Only me, why does bullcrap have to happen to me? I was nice enough to let a friend (well actually she’s my friend’s sister) stay at my apartment because she didn’t have anywhere to sleep. She was moving into her new apartment and when she went to the front door the person wasn’t home to let her in. I guess this person must have changed their mind about having her move in. Too bad, they didn’t inform her. She told me she was going to sleep in her car, so like the big jackass that I am, I told her she could stay by me till the next day till she can find out what happened. What happened was the woman didn’t want her to move in and she just completely avoided her. I ended up having a guest for 3 weeks.

She would buy me things, especially food. She would come into my apartment and have soy milk and 3 boxes of cereal in a shopping bag. That’s because she had asked me one day what type of cereal do I like, I told her that I really don’t eat cereal but if I do I like Frosted Mini Wheats and I like Fruity Pebbles and I like Banana Nut Crunch. I really don’t eat it and if I do it’s with soy milk. I thought it was just a common question, not that she was going to go out and buy all three and a big jug of my 8th continental fat free soy milk. She knew about my intuition that I was into psychic things and astrology. So she installed an astrological chart program in my computer. If you give me the day, place and time you were born I can give you your astrological chart, and let me tell you, it’s some what accurate. I was absolutely excited about it. You see she was an astrologer and she lived each day by it. If something went wrong she said she knew because it was in her chart and it was something about Mercury being in Scorpio. I then e-mailed everyone to reply with all their info so I can do their charts. So I did. I had nothing better else to do. I was home for about 5 months unemployed. I worked for a company for 7 years and they consolidated to the father company. That means bye bye to my company. Some people were distributed to the father company and some were distributed right back to their home. I was stressed out, my unemployment checks were about to cease and my Cobra was about to end. I had no money. None. I started to get depressed and sick. I thought I was losing my mind. It gets worse.

Valery, that’s her name. She also claimed to be a massage therapist. She knew how stressed I was so she offered me a full body massage. She had her table at my apartment. So I was like what the heck that would be nice. Valerie was over weight. She was at least triple my size. So when she was massaging me (for two hours), which I didn’t feel a damn thing, because my body was just shut down from stressing out. She also did Reiki on me. All which did not help. When she was massaging me, her big boobs would touch my body, but honestly I didn’t think anything of it, because I just thought it was because she was over weight and to get to certain parts on my body she had to lean over the way she did. She would tell me stories about her friends back in Atlanta and how she appreciated me because no one ever treated her nice. Her friends back in Atlanta weren’t as nice. I told her that they weren’t true friends. She would give me gifts, and I thought it was her way of saying thank you for letting me stay here.

It was the second week she was sleeping in my living room on her massage table when she confessed she was gay. She told me that all those women she talked about were her lovers. I told her I knew, she asked me why I didn’t tell her. It was because though I knew intuitively I thought what if I was wrong and offended you. So I kept it to myself. Again I didn’t think it was a big deal. Then from that point on she felt that she needed to be more open with me. Valery expressed how she got her first orgasm at 11 when her friend’s sister answered the front door one day and she fell in love with her right there and then. Valerie would tell me about how she would give love to these women and how she wouldn’t get any in return and I’m talking about sexually. The thought of it made me sick, because it just painted a nasty picture in my head. Valery was too open now; it sort of made me a bit uncomfortable. I really didn’t mind her being gay, but you can keep all your sexual experiences to yourself. She told me that she masturbated because it helped release stress. I did not need to know about an over weight lesbian touching herself. Eww.

Ok so now it’s out in the open well only to me that she’s gay. She was still ashamed of herself. She never took care of herself. One day I gave her a hair cut and plucked her unibrow and showed her how to style her hair. I thought that it would help her feel better, I tried telling her to dress differently that she wore things that just made her look bigger and that she should dress more feminine. I told her that she should eat healthier and that I had no problem cooking the healthy meals I’ve been cooking the past 2 weeks she’s been here. Then doom day came. I got an email.

I got an email from Valery confessing. Well to put a long email into a short one, she confessed her love for me, how she had fantasies about me and how I was a Queen and oh how she wished to be my king. She was IN LOVE with ME. She didn’t fall in love with me in the three weeks she was here, she fell in love with me according to her email the first time she met me and that was about four years ago. I was mortified. I’m straight; I’m no where near being gay. I couldn’t stop shaking. Disgusting thoughts came to mind. Oh my, when she was massaging me, her boobs leaning on me, her hands all over my body for two hours, this woman was in her glory, she was probably having orgasms giving me a massage. All those gifts were because she was trying to win me. She really thought she could make me gay? Was she out of her mind? She probably even masturbated thinking of me. She was very into it, you know masturbating. Then I had to do what I did. I told her to leave. She cried. I didn’t care. She made me uncomfortable in my own home. The email was more gruesome and I honestly don’t want to tell you more about it, because I’m already starting to feel sick. The first thing I told my roommate when he got home was that Valery needed to leave, he didn’t understand so I let him read the email while I was over by the sink washing dishes. He called over to me and when I looked at him he was like what is wrong with you? You’re so pale. I answered him well of course, I feel real sick look at my hands they can’t stop trembling. He said that he thought there was something weird about her. He told me that one night he went to go take a shower and noticed she was washing the dishes and there were only 4 glasses, so that would take less than a minute to clean up. When he got out of the shower he noticed that she was standing in front of my bedroom door. He was like Hey Valery, good night and she grunted. He told me she was standing in front of my bedroom door isn’t that sick? I believe in ghosts and I feel them, I always felt like there was someone standing in my door way when I was in bed trying to sleep, but I thought oh it’s nothing just the ghost (She said that she would put sea salt on all my mirrors to get rid of the ghosts, she never did it) There was one night where I actually sat up to look and I saw her there, and she turned and walked away. I thought maybe she was just walking by. It wasn’t!! She was probably standing there watching me and fantasizing. Well she is no longer at my home and I no longer associate with her. I’m still sick over it. Only Me.

MIA

She made a wide turn. “Uhhh… now what?” She went to jail.

Mia cried and cried and cried and well you know cried. Her boyfriend Jack(wod) just got out of the car in the middle of the street. They were on the way to her house from a party. She drank and he drove. She slapped him in the face because he said something immature, like always. So he just got up and left her in the middle of the road and started to walk. He didn’t give two shits about her at that particular moment. It wasn’t a hard slap, it was an “I can’t believe you just said that”slap. She had to move the car or get hit by the moving traffic. Mia quickly moves over to the driver side and made a wide left turn. It was a pretty wide turn obviously because she was driving while the sea shot out of her eyes. She wasn’t even driving for more than half a minute when the sirens went off and the dick of a cop pulled her over.

Officer Dick found her crying, he had no heart. She told him that her boyfriend just stopped in the middle of the road and started walking away. Mr. Dick was watching this all go down, he knew, he was just being you know like his name a DICK. He didn’t give her a warning, he didn’t care that she thought she was doing the best thing to get the car out of the middle of the road and he surely didn’t care about her nervous break down. He locked her up. Jack(wod) didn’t even go to bail her out. He knew she was arrested and he decided to go all the way back home in Queens. Mia lived in Long Island and Jack(wod) was supposed to sleep over. This argument they had in the car was all because of his immaturity. He’s younger than she is by a few years. She’s too attached. Once her sister Flora bailed her out, Jack(wod) didn’t even want to talk to Mia, he had the nerve to tell her he was mad at her. They’ve been going out for over a year now. He didn’t give two shits that his girlfriend was in jail because of his stupidity and she was arrested because of him and he didn’t see that.

“Can you fucking believe him, I swear I’m taking him off the insurance. He fucking went home. Who the fuck does that? He couldn’t put his little argument to the side and come get me, come comfort me, I got arrested for goodness sake, I think that’s a bigger problem than the little stupid argument we had. He couldn’t look pass the argument.” Mia’s consoling friend replies. “FUCK HIM!! Why the fuck do you have him under your insurance anyway?, he has his parents. Uhh this gets me mad”. Mia is to kind, too generous. In her mind, it’s her boyfriend why not have him under my car insurance, I love him, he loves me. Much does she know he’s a DICK.

Mia and Jack(wod) made up. She swore that this was the last time and that she didn’t want to be with him. She fell for his “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again” line. He told her that the only reason he didn’t bail her out or hold her hand for days was because he didn’t know what to do. Mia’s friend told her “What is he FUCKING STUPID? He didn’t know what to do? What kind of an ass is he?” Mia's response was “I know I know, but we’re going to try and work this out.” Now Mia’s consoling friend is a confused friend.

Mia had a 9am court visit. Does she get her license back??????

I Through Out My Sunflowers Today 

I Threw Out My Sunflowers Today

This big sinus headache is making me dizzy and giving me blurred vision, everyone and their mother has either a cold or the stupid flu. It’s so cold outside, and it’s not helping my headache. Yep, I think my teeth are going to fall out. I’ve come to giving myself reflexology. I have thrown out my wilting sunflowers that shared its place with the eucalyptus (my brother's favorite) I put in a vase on my desk. Some one once told me that the meaning of a sunflower is LIFE.

So it’s the 16th, a month from this day marks 10 years that my brother past away. This is not helping my headache. This is the time of year that sucks big balls for me. It never fails. It’s like clock work. The weird part about it is that I feel like I have no control over it. I just get real depressed. I don’t think all the holiday cheer around me helps, though that might be the trigger. I don’t celebrate, I haven’t since he died. Honestly now it’s more about not believing in any of it. When I lived with my family we always celebrated. The last time we all celebrated was in 1994 and it was our last family holiday that we were all together. It’s a crazy thing when I think about how many years it’s been. I can’t get over how the last 10 years have just past me by. It hurts. I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago because a part of me died with him. I always wonder what I would have been like if he never died. Where would have I been now? Would my family have moved out of New York? When someone dies, there are so many unanswered questions that will just eat us up inside. You look at life so much differently when you lose someone close to you especially if they are your sibling.

He left on vacation and never came back. Well, he did but in a coffin, did that just put a knife in your heart? Well not only did a knife stab me in the heart but it also slaughtered it. My poor brother suffered and it just gets me mad. He died the morning he was suppose to come back home. He was and will always be a good man. He had a pure soul, an unforgettable soul. He was the type of man that everyone wanted to be friends with. He will forever be young as I grow old always wondering… just wondering. As I grow older I realize how much a like we are. So much a like it’s haunting. When I meet new people I keep thinking they know my brother, but they don’t, how could they? He died 8 days before his 31st birthday. My grandmother died 4 days before her birthday. Will I die a few days before my birthday, is this a trend?

He went to Mexico with his girlfriend.

On Christmas day he made an announcement “Annnnd we’re going to MEXICO!!!!” He said it with great happiness. His girlfriend jumped on him like a little girl would jump on her daddy who just bought her a pony. That memory is embedded in my mind. She was so happy. So was everyone else. We were all happy to see my brother happy again. He was going through a lot. He went through a divorce and lost his daughter to his ex wife’s new husband. It tore my brother’s heart up. It wasn’t a good divorce for my brother, he took it very hard. He then lived back at home with us, and honestly I am glad he did because I got to spend more time with him before he died. No one knew he was going to die. He had a HEART ATTACK!!

His life turned around when he met his girlfriend. Once he was happy in love again, his life ended without asking him first.

He bought her diamond and ruby heart earings that she still wears till this day. She never takes them off. I went with him to the jewelry store, another memorable day. We were walking down the avenue and he had his arm around my shoulder, and now when I think about it, I cry. We were getting real close again, he was being the big brother and protecting me. Our family is very close. We’re not just family we are each others best friend. That’s the way it should be in every family but unfortunately it isn’t that way. That’s what makes this even harder, you know having a really great relationship with my brother. I always looked up to him and still do, he always had an answer to everything I inquired. He was cool, eclectic, beautiful, strong and full of love. He would do anything for anyone, take the shirt off his own back for you. My whole world disappeared January 16, 1995 and I’m slowly finding another one. I’ve lost myself in my real world and just settled for the world I’m in now. Though I’ve met so many wonderful people that I can’t live without, I’m still hurting and missing my brother. So I throw away my sunflowers because they died today.

I Needed To VENT So I Sent A Few E-mails to my friends

Ok... so I know I'm jumping the gun, but at this particular moment I feel really mad and it's making me sick. Isa, she is someone who works with me, just told me that she saw a bonus in her direct deposit last night that it was more than usual. It went into her checking. So I checked mine, called my bank and discovered I didn't. So either they are just giving me a check and didn't put it in direct deposit or I didn't get anything at all. I mean is it because I was only here since Oct? That would be pretty fucked up, because though I'm new here so is everyone else.Everyone else has been here like for 9 months, I mean commmmmmmmmme on you don't have to give me as much but at least a little something if you're going to give it to everyone else.

OK... I'M STILL JUMPING THE GUN, BUT NOW I KNOW THE RECEPTIONIST GOT IT TOO AND SHE'S ONLY BEEN HERE FOR LIKE 5 MONTHS, ANNNNNND SOMEONE WHO WAS HERE ONLY A MONTH BEFORE ME GOT IT TOO. SO KNOWING THE OWNER 7 YEARS, THIS IS A SLAP IN THE FUCKING FACE TO ME. I AM LIVID. I FEEL LIKE CRYING, I MEAN I KNOW IT'S A BONUS I DON'T HAVE TO GET ONE, BUT WHY THE FUCK DID EVERYONE ELSE GET ONE. PLUS, THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE WHO STARTED ON THE SAME EXACT DAY AS ME, I CAN'T ASK HIM,"HEY BY THE WAY DID YOU GET A BIT MORE IN YOUR CHECK TODAY?" I HATE THE FUCKING HOLIDAYS!!!!

I SWEAR I THINK I'M GOING TO VOMIT BECAUSE THIS BIG AXE IN MY HEAD IS FUCKING ANNOYINGLY TURNING MY STOMACH.

THE WAITING IS DRIVING ME TO A FUCKING AGGITATED NERVE. I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN THEY HAND ME MY CHECK THAT IS DIRECT DEPOSIT, AND IF THERE'S ANOTHER ONE WITH IT. I ASKED THE GIRL WHO WAS HERE A MONTH BEFORE ME, "IS IT A LOT OR IS IT JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING?" SHE SAID "YEAH IT WAS A LOT MORE" I AM GOING TO REALLY START TO FOCUS ON THIS OTHER JOB I HAD MY HOPES HIGH FOR. WEIRD, LAST NIGHT I HAD A DREAM THAT I WAS HELPING THE OTHER JOB WITH THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL AND I HAD ASKED WELL HOW OLD DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO ENTER THEY SAID 25 I WAS LIKE WHAT HAPPEN TO 28? THEY SAID OH THAT'S ONLY FOR TODAY TILL 8PM. SO I WAS LIKE OK CAN I TRY? OR DO I HAVE TO GET ON THE END OF THE LINE? THEY SAID NO, WE ONLY HAVE 4 YOU CAN TAKE THE 5TH SPOT RIGHT HERE, AND THEN SOME DUDE COMES IN THE DOOR AND STARTS SINGING. THEY JUDGED HIM AND GAVE HIM A 1. I WAS LIKE OK I'M READY THEY SAID NOPE. THE 5TH ONE ALREADY SANG AND I WAS LIKE BUT YOU GAVE HIM A 1, I PROMISE YOU THAT I AM THE ONE FOR THIS. THEY SAID "NO YOU CAN'T TRY" THEN I WAS PISSED OFF I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND. THEN I WAS LIKE WHAT ABOUT GIVING ME A JOB BUT THEN THERE WAS A WOMAN AT THE TABLE WHO I SUPPOSEDLY WORK FOR (BUT OF COURE IN DREAMS IT'S SOMEONE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW) AND I JUST WALKED AWAY WITHOUT GETTING AN ANSWER. SO I WAS IN A SCHOOL HALLWAY AND UMAY, THE GIRL I WORK WITH TURNED AROUND AND SAID "THE ONLY REASON THEY DIDN'T MAKE YOU SING IS BECAUSE THEY TOLD ME THAT THERE WERE PRETTIER GIRLS THAN YOU THERE" I FUCKING FLIPPED. I WENT BACK OVER THERE AND SAID FUCK YOU, WAIT AND SEE WHEN I'VE SIGNED A CONTRACT AND I WILL!I'LL BE A FUCKING SINGER! AND NOW I COME TO WORK TO THIS BULLSHIT.OH WAIT!!!! I JUST SAW ACCOUNTING, THEY ARE HANDING OUT THE CHECKS....DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!!!!!! I ONLY GOT MY CHECK!!!!!!!!! THAT'S IT. THE GIRL WHO WAS HERE FOR A MONTH LONGER GOT TWO CHECKS. I'M GOING TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS. PLUS UMAY(MY TEAM MATE) DIDN'T GET ONE EITHER, SHE'S BEEN HERE FOR 10 MONTHS, BUT SHE'S PART TIME.(SHE COMES IN 9 TO 5:30 AND WE EVEN STAY TILL 6. SHE'S PREGNANT SO WHEN I FIRST STARTED SHE CAME IN AT 11. SHE HAD REALLY BAD MORNING SICKNESS BUT THAT'S ONLY TWO HOURS OF THE DAY SHE WAS MISSING BUT SHE WOULD STAY TILL 6 AT TIMES. SO HOW THE HECK IS THAT PART TIME?) WHY? BECAUSE WE'RE ADMIN. ASSISTANTS? WHAT THE FUCK?? THE RECEPTIONIST GOT HERS. IT MAKES NO SENSE. WELL IT'S ONLY A BIT AFTER NOON. I STILL HAVE TILL END OF DAY. I SWEAR IF THEY GIVE ME A BOTTLE OF WINE I'M EITHER CRACKING IT OVER THEIR HEAD OR DRINKING THE ENRTIRE BOTTLE AT MY DESK. HMMM... MAYBE A GIFT CERTIFICATE... MAYBE NOTHING. FUCK'EM!

HOLD UP... BREAKING NEWS...I JUST HEARD FROM THE CUBICLE NEXT TO ME THAT SOMEONE IS WALKING AROUND WITH ENVELOPES AND HANDING THEM OUT. LET'S SEE IF THERE'S AN ENVELOPE WITH MY NAME ON IT. I'M WAITING...STILL WAITING...OK THE FREAK SAT BACK IN HIS FUCKING CHAIR IN HIS OFFICE, HE DIDN'T COME BY MY AGGRIVATED CUBICLE. WE WERE SUPPOSE TO HAVE A COMPANY LUNCH TODAY, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT WE ARE GETTING INSTEAD OF A HOLIDAY PARTY, WHICH HONESTLY I DON'T CARE FOR RIGHT NOW. I RATHER GET A BONUS THAN A FREAKING HOLIDAY PARTY, BUT I PROBABLY WON'T EVEN GET THAT. UHHHHHHH I HATE WAITING.(I KNOW, I KNOW ELIZABETH HATE IS A BAD WORD)BUT I DO NOT LIKE WAITING, OH CRAP HE JUST WALKED PASSED MY CUBICLE ARRRRRG. CAN I JUST THROW MY STAPLER AT HIM? PLEASE??? HE WENT BACK INTO HIS OFFICE. THIS DAY IS JUST RETARDED. DAMN IT I'M THIRSTY THERE'S NO MORE WATER IN THIS TINY CUP. I HATE IT! I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT ABOUT NOW. I LEFT MY CELL RINGER ON HIGH JUST TO BE ANNOYING. SOMEONE CALL ME CALL ME NOW RIGHT NOW!! HOW ODD, THERE WAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT OVER THE LOUD SPEAKER THAT THE LUNCHEON HAS STARTED AND TO PLEASE START COMING INTO THE CONFERENCE ROOM. AWW HOW NICE, LUNCH ON THEM. THAT'S NOT THE KIND OF CALL I WAS ASKING FOR!

ALL I ATE WAS A BIT OF A SALAD (I STOCKED UP ON THE OLIVES)AND A DISGUSTING VEGETABLE SANDWICH WHICH I SPLIT WITH UMAY. OH AND THEN I HAD AN ARUGLA. NO HANDING OUT BONUSES THOUGH, MAYBE THE'LL GIVE IT OUT AT FOUR WHEN WE HAVE OUR HOLIDAY TOAST.

I ALREADY FEEL MY THROAT CLOSING ON ME, I WAS JUST INFORMED BY ISA THAT NOT EVERYONE GOT ONE SO SHE CALLED THEM BASTARDS. SHE SAID IT'S CONFIRMED. WHEN SHE ASKED SHE ALSO ASKED WITH HER HEAD NODDING TOWARD OUR DIRECTION AND ACCOUNTING TOLD HER YEAH THEY DIDN'T AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. SO I’M GUESSING IT’S JUST ME AND UMAY WHO DIDN'T GET IT. UMAY SAW THE DUDE GIVE AN ENVELOPE TO SOMEONE ELSE HERE. THIS WHOLE THING IS NOT MAKING ANY SENSE. I'M GOING TO WAIT FOR 4:30 AND GO UP TO ACCOUNTING AND ASK ON A PERSONAL LEVEL ABOUT IT. WHY IS THIS DAY DROPPING A BIG PILE OF ELEPHANTS SHIT ON ME? HOW COME THE RECEPTIONIST GETS A BONUS AND WE DON’T, I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND. UMAY HAS BEEN HERE FOR 10 MONTHS, TRAINED ME AND EVERYTHING, EVERYONE ELSE HASN'T BEEN HERE AS LONG AS SHE HAS. THE RECEPTIONIST DESERVES A BONUS AND SO DO WE. WHAT THE FUCK?

OK it's 4:08pm no over the loud speaker announcement to go into the conference room for a toast. Delay delay delay...honestly I think I'm not getting anything. Total slap in the face. I feel hurt, feels like there no acknowledgement of what I do. That's what it really comes down to. I'm more mad that Umay didn't get anything. Where the heck is that announcement?

Ok so the announcement was made, now I'm sitting back at my desk finishing the rest of my white wine because I ate to many Pringles. So they made a toast. Woohoo. After that I go to accounting and I find out that I don't get anything because I'm on that three month probation shit, it's only two more weeks for it to be three months, but what really pisses me off is that Umay got jack shit. Kiss my mother fucking ass!!! ANOTHER FUCKED UP DAY!

Jumping from One Thing to Another

Due to the fact that I have not found my check book, it makes me irritable and that has made me weak. Today on the train, being irritable, I wanted to just fling some retarded woman off the train. It’s crazy crowded on the train in the morning, if you get in you’re lucky so once you’re in stay in till your stop. Though you have to step out of the train on 14th Street, because everyone and their mother from the middle of the train have to get off and of course who is stuck by the door? ME thank you very much. Soooo I step off the train and step back toward my left where this inconsiderate bitch of a woman stands. Does she move back? No! So of course common courtesy she should move back and wait till I get back on. Well of course being an inconsiderate bitch she didn’t so I just wanted to grab her by her head and fling her off the train. I didn’t do it because I was so weak from being so irritable.

I get to work; I have to call the bank. I call. Of course their system is down, so they can’t help me. What the Fuhhh?? Why is it when you hide something so no one can get a hand on it, you hide it so well, you can’t find it? Why? I hate that. (My niece Elizabeth said “Honey, hate is a bad word, God doesn’t like that word.” WHHHHAT? I almost threw myself out of the car when she told me this when she was here in New York. God? Oh boy. I told my sister what the heck in the world are they teaching her in school, she’s only three and she’s telling me about using words that are not healthy words? You see I’m atheist. I turned around and looked at my scrumptious niece and said Elizabeth can you not mention God? And she went on this whole shebang on God. Uhh I definitely wanted to throw myself out of the car) I felt like crud, like if a big hex is just lingering over me so I got out of my chair and went to the bathroom to put on some make up. Make up always makes a woman feel better when she’s feeling down.